Monthly Archives: December 2000

**sigh** Well, I went through the letters and memories of April. I read letters that she had writtten to me and letters that I wrote to her that were never sent. There were also tapes that were for me and a tape that I never sent to her. And of course, there was THE LETTER.
In every relationship, there is a event that is landmark for the entire relationship. For April and I, one of the major landmarks in our relationship was the letter that was written in high school. It was a defining moment in our relationship.
Well, I read the letter and the memories surroundng the whole incident returned and I had a good cry over it. Has usual, the thoughts of getting back together with April came to my mind. Heh. It was a sweet thought, even if highly unlikely. But within the writing of the past, I did find gems of wisdom in them. Too late to help me now, of course. But they are there and I think I might take some of them back with me when I leave here.
**sigh**
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While April has the memories of the past at her house where she can touch and look at them whenever she wants, mine are buried here in my parents house in a memory box locked up in a chest in the closet with the rest of my belongings. 15 min of diiging through to find the chest and another 15 min looking for the key. Now I have the memory box in front of me ready to be opened. The memory box itself has memories of The Bombay Company and the money I spent on things there for my friends and family.
I wonder if I really want to open this up. Do I really want to relive the memories. Part of me want to put the box back, but another part of me says that within the writings of the past are the answers to the future.
**sigh** Without further ado….
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so I did the coward thing and ran away. It’s interesting to note all of the other livejournalist who have run away from their problems instead of facing them. It’s nice to know that among a bunch of hypocrites, that I am not alone.
This is not comming out has I expected. In my head, I had a outline of the stuff that I wanted to say, to try to get my side of the story out. To try to get someone to understand me and why I did what I did.
But what does it matter? I’ve done what I’ve done and there is no taking it back. I willing gave up the greatest thing to happen to me in my life so far. I had someone that loved me unconditionally and I gave it up for the chance that alone I can somehow find love for myself and the strength to conquer the demons that I have.
I think that in the end the demons will finally devour what is left of me and my soul. And then all of you can have have your revenge for the pain and suffering that I have caused to Suzanne.
Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
May your soul
Find the salvation
that you sorely seek.
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The thing is that she loved me so much. I honestly can’t think of anyone who has loved me has much. And although I love her, my love for her paled in comparison to the love that she had for me. And she was the only one who couldn’t see it. Should I have stayed in a relationship that was so unequal?
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Ok. so that rant was probably uncalled for. But I needed to get it off of my chest.
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so when the going got tough, I ran away. So what. The thing that pisses me off the most is all of these hypocritical people who comment on serraph’s journal about me, but they have been scarred and have run away from shit too. Half the guys have seen suzanne’s pic and just want to get in her pants. Well guess what guys, I’ve been in her pants, and guess what guys, it’s great pleasure to tough what she just teases you bastards with her pics. And most of ya’ll don’t have a chance of hell of getting in there, so why don’t ya go lurk else where.
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….
What is there to talk about. I did break up with serraph i.e. suzanne. I’m not going to try and argue against her, since it’s all true. I also did the bastardly act of regifting a xmas gift for April. And I kept $80 worth of xmas presents (clothes) that she got for me.
So what the hell do I have to say. That I’m sorry. Well, yes, I am sorry about the way that I broke up with Suzanne. I wasn’t very…diplomatic about it; if one can be diplomatic about breaking up with someone. And the regift incident is just another example of my unthoughtfulness.
The main reason that I broke up our relationship is because I was scared. I was scared of our relationship and where it was going. Or rather, I was scared of where our relatioonship was not going. I was scared because I did not know where our relationship was going. I saw no future for Suzanne and I. I couldn’t see myself marrying Suzanne or having a family with her. I couldn’t even see myself living with her. Now I know that we had just got back together and had been going out for only 3 months. And not that I was planning on immediately proposing to her. But what is the purpose of a relationship? Isn’t it to find a life mate, a love one, someone you can marry. Alright, you can also just be looking for sex, but if I really wanted sex, Suzanne is the last person that I would be getting sex from. But I digress. What’s the point of being in a relationship if there is no goal or point to it.
And for the record, we never truly established why we were getting back together when we did in September; we just did. And I thought that I could just ignore that fact and just accept the fact that we were back and that everything would work itself out. But I was wrong in believing this.
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Whatever troubles you have
Whatever traps and pitfalls life has thrown at you
Whatever trouble and chaos that you have caused
When all else, there is no place to be than at home with your family around you…
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Current music: Listening to the cats chase each other up and down the stair

I am so tired. Got little sleep last night; but on a good note, Quetzal didn’t get much sleep either has my coughing and gas kept him up too.
Tried to get a computer for my dad on credit, but I found out that I would have to join the school’s credit union. I guess dad won’t mind another jacket for xmas.
I really don’t want to goto class, but I should. Then work for a couple of hours. Then I have other stuff to do that I not looking forward too. But today’s payday, so I guess I should at least be happy about that.
O.K. off to class….
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Had another dream last night that Quetzal and I got into a fight and we both went through the window and died. Maybe I should look up the meaning of that.
Still have this blasted cold. It just won’t go away. I’m sure that if I could take just one day off, them I could get well, but with work and finals, I won’t get a chance. I’ll just wait until next week when I fly up to WA for xmas and get well then
Anyway, I should go and get some more studying done. It’s amazing at the stuff you can get done when you are avoiding other things in your life.
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