White guy with confederate flag lanyard and flag on car with a Raiders beanie on listening to N.W.A.

I’m confused

The lack of motivation to do anything is real.  Lots of half assery and not caring going on in my life right now.  Finally updated the back-end of this site to the newest WordPress.  The plan was to follow the yearly prompts from the one site I bookmarked along with more Book of Questions stuff and pica from the phone.  Nothing.  I could blame the new job or the weather.  Too much energy to do that, just easier to be meh about it. Is lack of motivation while people kill themselves? Or is killing themselves the last spark of motivation before their life fades out?  **Sigh**  I should take my meds and goto sleep…

The silence of her reply would be deafening if it wasn’t for all my fears and doubts yelling in my head.

I severely underestimated Bay Area traffic at 5am.

itunes.apple.com/profile/horangee

So there’s that.

**sigh**

Onward to other things I guess.

My mind has been my own worse enemy for a long time now and nothing has changed now that I’ve fled to California. Saw Teresa play hockey and wave to a guy and have been battling my mind ever since. Messaging her this morning didn’t really help things. But still to scared to directly ask her the questions I should be asking. Or is this all in my head. Too truly be able to trust my thoughts and live doubt free. A reachable goal or delusional fantasy?

And the drama surrounding my parents still reach out trying to pull me back in completely. I though Eric and I had things figured out. But he is messaging me that they can’t afford assisted care now. What about the house being sold. Are they going to be on the streets? Like always, putting my head in the sand would be the most enticing choice I could make. But it needs to be confronted so that’s what I’ll do…eventually.

My body continues to slowly heal, frustrating me to no end. I just want the pain to end. Which I know my mom probably says every day regarding her pain. Being down here and reconnecting with people is def helping. But I need something more. Whatever that is, maybe I should accept that it might not come from Teresa like I would like it to.

**sigh**. DBT on my own will not be enough, I need to find a group.