Can’t find the article where I saw this, but it basically describes what I’ve been doing for years; or at least what I believe I’ve been doing. Walking away from family and friends to reflect and discover who I am and what my purpose is. To find my spirituality and to hear God. To pick a direction, a goal, a belief, a value and to start moving towards it. Something that I need to do and discover on my own, so I could stand on my own. To be equal to my friends and family, not the one weighing them down.
But all I have accomplished is to be lost in the desert for 40 years. That’s how long the Israeli were in the desert, right? If I think about it that way, I still have at least 10 more years before I will be able to leave this self inflicted desert I’ve put myself in. Although if I follow the narrative, I need to accept the suffering that God is giving me; be thankful and happy for it. That might really be the question I’m looking for. I’ve accepted that I will always be suffering, but how do I learn to enjoy the suffering. How does one become a…sadist, masocist? I always forget which is which.
To be honest, I am probably too scared to really see/hear/feel the answer in front of me. Instead of getting to the point of quietness to hear, I fill the void with noise. Whether it’s music or games or videos
About halfway through the treatment and no change that I can see or feel. Next week I’ll be switching to a different protocol which is a less intense, but longer session. But I wonder why they have to lower the intensity. Keep it at the same intensity or crank it up. I want to be Frankenstein on the surgery table with a wire that goes up the roof and wait for a lighting bolt to zap the shit out of me.
Outlook on my phone won’t let me add an event for the date (only goes to 2030). AppleCalendar on the other hand, not only lets me add the date, but will remind me a week before and the day before. And I can send invites to people. While tempting, I’m sure that will probably set off some alarm bells along with some wellness visits by Novato’s finest. Still, this is the closest thing I have for a goal in my life right now.
I really should be enjoying this waffle and bacon at this roadside diner. But instead, just being salty at all the couples being couples right now. So much for having a positive attitude. Should have ate out in the cold to match my cold, cold heart.
So Vanessa turned 10000 miles last week. A little over a month shy of when I first got her at the Vallejo Hyundai dealership. I wasn’t even planning on getting a Hyundai, I had my eyes set on a Mitsubishi Outlander Plug In hybrid. I had test drove one a few months ago and apart for the tiny steering wheel, I was almost set on buying one. Just trying to decide if I would go up a model to get the fast charging or not. The fact that the nearest dealer was in San Francisco was an issue, but I wanted to go back to Mitsubishi since I missed my Lancer.
Anyway, I don’t even remember how Hyundai came into the picture, but I thought I would go and just take a look at one for shits & giggles. Dealing with the salesman was annoying, but I was impressed with the test drive, the internet rate was…not criminal. And the dealer got Honda to pay me $500 when I turned in my lease.
So Vanessa is great for the most part. The plug-in feature has been great, esp since I live so close to work and charging is free. Even if I was still commuting from Vacaville, plugging in would help save gas. I’ve gone 1.5 months without having to gas up. Even if I have to goto SF for work, by time I’m done, I’ve used less than a gallon of gas round trip. And she can be pretty zippy when she needs to be. It’s also nice sitting a little higher in traffic compared to my previous cars. The app is nice where I can warm up or cool the inside before I step out the house or work. Vanessa is roomy in the back seats and trunk space. Having SiriusXM is nice when I’m driving in the back roads and don’t have cell coverage for Apple CarPlay.
But with the good, there are some bad notes. Like the fact that I broke the chain and got her in black instead of keeping with tradition and getting a blue color. I thought I was breaking out of my comfort zone but did not realize just how many SUV are black and look the same. The 1st three months I kept on trying to open doors to the wrong car because they all look the same. Vanessa is def a basic bitch compared to her ancestors.
What else? The app is good, when you have cell phone coverage. Locking myself out of Vanessa and I couldn’t remote open because I didn’t have cell signal. With my boss, it was def an embarrassing moment. Finding charging options are still tricky, even in the Bay Area; I am insanely jealous of the Tesla charging stations and wish I could use them. I have 4-5 charging apps that I have to cycle through depending on where I can charge. The Vallejo Hyundai dealer is another sore spot. Misinformation about what Vanessa can and can’t do, ignoring my phone calls, and totally fucking up my financing among other things. At this point, I goto Santa Rosa for service. Even though it is out of the way for me, the service is 10x better. A few other minor things, like why have wireless phone charging, but not have wireless CarPlay/Andriod Auto?
But all in all it’s been a great first year with Vanessa. She been able to handle the day to day and also the longer trips. She def put on the miles when Debbie/Noah were here in the summer. She can handle trips up/down the coast and up 121 from Napa through Berryessa to Vacaville/Winters. I do think I need to get her some exterior accessories to make her a bit less basic and to differentiate her from the other SUVs. Hopefully smooth sailing for Vanessa in our 2nd year of being together.
Not sure why I thought that scrolling the socials would make me tired enough to fall asleep. Just more sadness and guilt to crowd in my bed and not keep the cold away.
One week of TMS is done and no change. Wasn’t really expecting to see anything until December but a small part of me was hoping it would be an instantaneous change. There was some pain when they were increasing the magnetic pulse, but I think I am getting use to it.
With the season and the rain, I probably should be using my light therapy lamp again in the mornings.
Read an article where some people had tiredness as a side effect of taking Ozempic. Would love to blame it on the Ozempic, but would also like to loose the weight I originally lost when I started taking it. Par for the course of me wasting an opportunity.
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