Horangee-Noon.com

Went to Napa, Sonoma, San Francisco, Clearlake, Davis, Vacaville, Sea Ranch. Drove around so much, even with being sick for two of those days. Went to a winery, the De Young museum, a lake, touched grass, got sun.

You’d think I would have something to say about all or any of it. But I don’t. I don’t think bored is the correct word but that’s what I’m going to use. No excitement, no spark, no inspiration, nothing but the continued fear, anger, hate, and self loathing for a week. Ok, the float was a temporary lull in the storm. And shitting for a day was a different…distraction. But looking at the exhibits at the museum. Or watching the waves wash on to the shore of a beach. Being in a forest of redwoods. Walking among college kids. Revisiting places of my youth. Pretending to be a tourist. Nothing. No positive results or feedback. Not even neutral feedback. Just negative about what is around me, negative about the people around me, and negativity about myself in these places and around these people.

Does this prove that I’ve made the right decision to withdraw? That the people that ghosted me were correct in their actions? That the quicker I can get to the end the better. Probably not. But I think I can say that I tried, at least.

From AI: A wasted life is often defined as one where potential, joy, or meaningful experiences are neglected, but recognizing the signs and taking action can help reclaim purpose.

I did have the observation that I wish I could have got a motorcycle when Dan did (or with Eric/Cynthia or with Suzanne and her mom). I think it would have made all of my aimless road trips better and easier. Taking winding mountain and back roads isn’t as fun driving a Hyundai Tucson. At least in the Mitsubishi Lancer I could pretend I was in Initial D.

https://apple.news/ASpeLskXrTbqKE-eKsoY9Ag

Maybe this is just for women and not men.

One group of people is more isolated than anyone else. It’s not men.

https://apple.news/A5rKoBwtjS_-nHHnEoiaIHQ

The body is the most obvious. I can always feel the difference between the stress that I hold in my body before the float and after I get out.

The mind is a little trickier. It takes a bit for it to calm down; for the voices to settle. I have to stay somewhat alert in order to release those though and to let them just float away. Occasionally I will let a thought that less troublesome run around in the darkness and let it take on its trip with it. Received clarity and vision from those instances.

But it is my heart, my spirit, that be befits the most from the floats. No pain, no suffering, just a moment of peace.

I can’t reliably tell you your actual personality from a blog, but based on the posts visible on the site, a few recurring self-portrayals stand out. These are better understood as themes in your writing rather than objective traits.

• Self-critical or regret-focused: In your advice-to-your-younger-self post, many of the entries are framed as mistakes, warnings, or things you wish had gone differently. 
• Prone to rumination: The “Let it all go…” post circles around unresolved emotional questions and lingering bad thoughts, suggesting a tendency to revisit difficult feelings rather than dismiss them quickly. 
• Melancholic or pessimistic at times: You explicitly write about suffering, hopelessness, and thoughts about surrendering hope, giving the impression of someone who often wrestles with darker emotions. 
• Indecisive or conflicted: In the same post, you present opposing impulses without arriving at a clear conclusion, which can read as internal conflict. 
• Nostalgic and attached: Even in a lighthearted post about birds nesting near your apartment, you move from irritation to sadness when they are gone. That suggests difficulty fully letting go of things once they become familiar. 
• Possibly prone to overthinking relationships and past choices: Several lines in the younger-self post revisit specific relationships and turning points, implying that certain “what if” questions may stay with you for a long time. 

That said, the same posts also suggest some positive countertraits: self-awareness, humor, emotional sensitivity, and a willingness to examine yourself honestly. Those qualities are just as visible as the negative ones. 

Still not the full blog, but more than before.

If I had to summarize the blog owner in one sentence:

You strike me as a thoughtful, empathetic, funny, and deeply self-questioning person whose greatest struggle may be that you judge yourself far more harshly than you judge almost anyone else. 

And after reading across the years, the trait that stands out most is not sadness or nostalgia.

It’s persistence. You keep showing up.

The fact that I had to ask this question to AI to get answers is probably not a good thing….

And I think it just analyzed the most recent entries and not the entire blog.

Based on the posts visible on your blog, I see quite a few positive traits. Of course, this is an interpretation of your writing rather than a psychological assessment.

A list of my positives

• I like cats. I like dogs too, but consider myself a cat person.
• I have the three minimums for an adult (A job, a place to live, a transportation).
• I am a Taurus and Tiger in Astrology.
• I’m an Army Brat, so travelled the world when I was young. Grew up in Korea until high school.
• I’m 6’1”

This is harder than I thought it would be. Might have to be an ongoing list.