Category Archives: Uncategorized

Rainy day thoughts…

I really should call mom, but my thoughts, stubbornness, and fear once again gets in my way. I tell myself that there was a time when I wasn’t like this, but it’s hard to remember when. Like I’ve make this thought up and I’m gaslighting myself somehow. Hopefully I can get some answers today; though it will probably lead to more questions.

Luckily, I don’t have to pay mom’s cleaning fee for the old place, so my upcoming tax refund is safe. Wonder if I should use it all on the Apple Card, or wait for my bonus to pay the card off. Or just say fuck it to everything and start planning a trip to Singapore to see Eric and the fam.

Going back to mom, I could wait for Eric to come back out here. We definitely have to deal with the situation that we should have dealt with years ago.

Too much time spent at dealerships

So issue with the financing for the new car (approved but not eligible for membership to the credit union) so I had to come in and redo the contract with Hyundai financing. Blah. The interest and payments went up a bit but are still manageable. It actually works out so that the monthly payment isn’t at the end of the month with rent.

I probably should have bitched more or tried to get some kind of upgrade out of it. Maybe get the blue one or goto the limited and get the sunroof and the parking assist. But if they can program the nfc card for me, that will be enough.

Still no name for the Tucson yet, but it will have a name. Can I name it Vanessa like the other cars I named in the past?

With the weather, glad that Eric got me the mats for the car. The cargo cover should arrive today. After that, I think the car will be complete. Maybe some under seat lighting on the inside. Maybe seat and steering wheel covers. Hmm, maybe.

A Month with Vanessa

So I named my 2024 Hyundai Tucson Plug in Vanessa. I think this is the first car that I have named in a while.

So the original plan was to get a Mitsubishi Outlander plug in. But for whatever reason, decided to stop by the Hyundai dealer in Vallejo to check the Tucson out. Usual Car dealer BS, but it was a little cheaper than the outlander, they found me an interest rate under 7% and payments under $650, and got Honda to buy my lease back $500 over the payout price.

Getting used to the size difference between Vanessa and the Civic. But it is nice and roomy, and the inside has some nice features. The plug in aspect is great, even though I’m figuring it out. Since work pays for electricity and I live so close to work, I should only have to pay for gas when I goto SF or Vacaville. But on a work trip to SF, between the battery and the hybrid part, I don’t think I used too much gas, if any. Still figuring out the EV part; certain conditions will turn it on or switch it to hybrid or gas.

Thought I was going to be extra cool and be able to unlock and start Vanessa with my phone, but it’s only for Android. The next version supposedly supports iOS, but not sure if Hyundai is going to roll it out to other cars.

What else? Heater seats are nice. It has wireless charging (but not wireless CarPlay/Android Auto). And with all of the rain we have had so far, thankful for Eric getting me weatherproof mats and the cargo cover. I’ll add pics to this post later.



Like my friends, I am tired of my own bullshit. I’m tired of waking up in the morning. Tired of forcing myself out of bed. Tired of going to work and faking how I feel. Tired of driving home in tears and in pain. Tired of drugging myself with food, alcohol, or the internet to dull the pain. Tired of getting into bed, crying and in pain. Tired of being cold and alone. Tired of being in my thoughts until I pass out in exhaustion. And tired of doing it all over again.

Still, with all of that I’m not tired enough to make a change so I guess I have nothing to complain about. Just continue on the treadmill silently. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right. I must be god damn Superman by now.

My Bedroom

My Labor Is Complete

Adult Achievement Completed!

Plumbers Crack – Successfully took apart, fixed, and replaced garbage disposal with no leaks.

Sunday Breakfast

At Black Bear Diner for Sunday breakfast today. Forgot my journal, backpack, and glasses so a blog post for today. Increased the Ozempic this weekend and I think it’s working. Not sure if I’m actually hungry or just bored and forcing myself to eat. We’ll see how I’m feeling later today.

I wonder if I will ever just be tired of being depressed and disgusted with myself. It’s kind of weird that I’m hate myself but almost wore some sexy clothes today. What’s the point, I never act on the urges or anything. Not sure why I’m wearing the ring and almost used a plug. But I still have to admit I like the feel of the cock ring constricting things. The thoughts are still there even if the body isn’t up to it.

Maybe I should start exercising again. I mean I’ve accepted the mental and spiritual pain, might as well embrace the full physical pain.

Ok the Ozempic is definitely working. Not going to finish this right now.

A nice day out in Larkspur as usual. Probably too nice of a day for me to be wearing a union suit under my hockey jersey. But out in the sun trying to get that vitamin D I supposedly need (Could probably use the other kind too…). Maybe I should goto the street to get some better people watching, but kind of ambiviant about the whole thing. Maybe just take a nap in my car.

Trying to resist the urge to doom scroll or go down a YouTube rabbit hole, but it’s hard. Not easy to just sit by myself without something to distract the thoughts. Not easy at all.

The garbage disposal is not working. Watched a couple of videos on how to take it apart and try to fix it. Put it off yesterday but really should try after I get home. It’s not like I cook that much at home anyway. If nothing else, pay a plumber to fix it. Who needs to save money for my car lease that is up soon.

The car issue is just going to be more sleepless nights. Still trying to acknowledge to myself that I probably can’t afford the Mitsubishi Outlander PHEV I wanted to get. Or any PHEV really. Hard pressed to get a hybrid SUV also. Will probably have to settle for just a hybrid; a Honda one at that. Two plans are circulating in my head. First is to use the EV credit and buy something at the beginning of the year when I can use it directly at the dealership as a down payment. Problem is all of the cars that can use the EV credit kind of suck. They have to be American made and the ones on the list are not good or very expensive, even with the credit.

The bane of my existence for the next couple of months.

The second option is to listen to Lesa and buy the Civic and then use it as a trade-in to get something else. How long would I hold on to it, a year. I could probably pay it off after March when my tax return and bonus kick in. Might be the most sensible thing to do.

Bonus thought is to go full EV instead of hybrid. Reverse charge it by charging it at work instead of home. But would I be able to do my random drives up the coast and through the backroads? And more options for the EV credit.

First things first I guess. I need to make an appointment and get an inspection. Why I don’t think the car’s condition is terrible, I’m already almost 150% above the lease mileage. There is the sticky brake hold button and question about the cig plug. I know it’s already sitting about $2000 for the over mileage plus whatever else they claim. Hoping that I can take the center console apart and clean the brake hold button. Just need the courage and motivation to do it, like everything in my life.

Maybe I should goto Frogs Hot Tubs today. A soak might do wonders for my hip/leg. Or just more time to be alone and let my thoughts torture me? What I really need is a chiropractor or to join StretchLab to get the joints moving around.

Enlightenment or destruction

I’m either going to gain wisdom and enlightenment from this or it is going to be the trigger for my murder spree.