Category Archives: Uncategorized

Porch thieves took off with my new air purifier just an hour after it was delivered. I’m kind of hoping it just that it actually hasn’t been delivered and I’ll get a knock on my door in the next hour or so. But did the usual run up and down the stairs, looking in every crevice of the apartment building hoping that the FedEx delivery person was just too tired/lazy to climb up to the third floor and left it somewhere on the other two floors. I did think about sending it to work, but I had seen other packages left on the neighbor’s front door for hours without getting stolen and thought that the issue was over. I was wrong apparently. Annoyed about it, but also exhausted from the week, so I’ll low-key stew about it with all the other issues going on in my life until I pass out and go to sleep.

Morning breakfast at Marvin’s in downtown Novato before going to the visitor center for Leadership work. Was expecting it to be packed since I left the house late due to daylights saving time, but it not packed at all. Guess I’m not the only one affected by the time change.

Sigh…I think I’m ready for my experiment in civic duty to be over. I am just not cut out for it. And not management material to my company, apparently. Depression talking but that’s what I feel. Wonder if this is going to turn into another Follett situation where we get bought out and I eventually get laid off. Wonder about that, but wonder if I will even make it to that point with the 2nd American Civil War looming in the back (more like middle) of my mind. Is it because I’m black that I fear it more than Barry does.

…but I wish I would have got her in this color.

I really should have got her in blue. Wondering if I’m cursed for getting black instead.

This is my “inception “, the central underlying thought in my head. Part of me thinks it is something that Suzanne implanted, although deep down I know it isn’t true. I do wonder where/how/when this thought buried and attached itself to my mind. Was it from something I read; something I heard in a movie or a song, Did I learn it from someone else? Being unable to love myself, it’s the reason I wanted to kill myself. If I can’t love anyone else because I can’t love myself, what’s the point of living. Wanted might not be the right word, as one secret is I always want to kill myself. I’ve just put up enough mental barriers up not to act on it anyone. But it’s the reason that I’ve withdrawn from almost everyone and everything. If I can’t love myself, no point in others trying to love me. I am the only one that can learn to love myself and it’s something only I can do; well obviously I can’t. It’s something I have to do myself and alone. If I am alone and push away any and all other distractions, I’ll have no choice but to focus on the issue at hand. How’s that going for me. In bed in the dark typing this out on my phone. ••sigh••. Maybe it’s time to stop looking for a truth that I will never be able to find and just sink into the lie; lie to myself that I’m happy until I just blissfully believe I’m the lie. If you believe that the lie is the truth, eventually does it become the truth? If it works for Trump and MAGA…

Another lonely night waking up at 3am in the morning. Actually I guess 2am. Going to bed early is not helping at all.

Once again I succumb to boredom and logged onto Instagram. I don’t know why since I can barely see anything on my phone at night. But enough to cut at my mind once again. Seeing her happy puts a smile on my face, even as my mind cries out in pain.

It’s supposed to be cuffing season, right? And yet here I am in my bed, longing to hold someone and keep them warm at night.

I guess I should be happy that I still can feel, even if it’s negative feelings. I don’t want the soullessness on being on Prozac (or was it ability) but would it be any worse than the place I am at now?

I should try to go back to sleep and to my dreams and memories. Frayed at the edges, but still enough to calm and soothe the soul.

The solitude, the social uprooting, it consumes you. Or, to put it a better way, you eat—you down nutrients—but you consume yourself.”

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