**sigh** Sometimes I wonder why I am even in the class. I guess to make all of the other student look better, because I just suck big time. And it’s not like the other classes that I’ve taken, Tai Chi and Karate, where I can practice on my own. You have to have a partner for everything that you do. Well, I did lean how to do rolls, but I don’t have enough room anywhere to practice at. I wish the old resident apartments were still open and I was living there. The lobbies we big enough that I could practice my stuff. Actually, I miss Moraine; it’s all serious now in the class. Nobody appreciates my sound effects and my exaggerated rolls. Anyway, I do like the class, especially when I’m the one getting thrown. Not that I am a sadist, but it gives me some humility to counter my ego and arrogance by being thrown around the mat like a sack of potatoes. It’s either that or the fact that my pants keep falling off that is the fact that I am the laughing stock of the class.
**sigh** Well, it’s a good thing that I looked at my calendar in my planner, cause I have two papers due next Friday. I am getting worried about my classes. The US History class isn’t too bad. I read ahead, so I can slack off a little in the class. I still need to work hard and do better on this upcoming paper. I still can’t believe that I got a C on that last paper. The Reformation class, on the other hand, is bending my ass over and giving me a spanking of the lifetime. I just cannot get into this class; the topic doesn’t interest me much, I cannot keep up with the teacher and the grad students in the class spouting out Latin and Italian, and the readings are difficult has hell. When the easiest book that you have read so far is the Bible, then you know that you are in trouble. I guess I am just going to mope along and just pray for a miracle. The Beijing class I will know if I am going to worry or not after tonight when we get our midterm take home assignment. Another paper or papers that I have to do; I just don’t know how she is going to grade them and that is the 1,000,000 dollar question.
I also have an appointment to see if I can graduate or not. I was cleaning and I saw something that says that you have to get a B or higher in your major classes to graduate. If that is so, then I am screwed, cause I got a couple of C’s in some of my history classes. If that is the case, then I will seriously think about dropping out of school. I mean I have going to school for almost 10 years now. And I thought I was kidding when I used to joke about being on the 10 year plan for a degree. I am just so burned out and just want to leave. It’s not even like I am going to use my history degree for anything. I don’t want to be a teacher (I just don’t have the spirit that you need to be a good teacher right now) and I’m def. not going to go for my masters. And a lot of my friends don’t have degrees; I think that only Barry and Gabi have degrees….Amanda has one too. Amber only has an A.A. in music and Dan got his degree from a tech school. And most of the one’s without degrees have good paying jobs.
But if I didn’t finish school, that would kill my parents; literally for my mom. I think that the only reason she is living is to see me graduate…O.K. she is staying around just to marry me off and to get some grandchildren. But if I dropped out of school, that would really crush my parents. I think it would come back to haunt me too. I was raised in Korea, and I have to whole “A college degree is a guaranteed job” mentality going on. I talked briefly to Peter about it and he says that I should just stay and get the degree. Suzanne says the same thing, but I am doing this with loans, and I don’t want to be paying off student loans for the rest of my life. **sigh** I guess I should just wait until after the meeting with the advisor before deciding…
A 40-something rediscovering life in California