Daily Archives: April 2, 2003

Gawd, I know how to make myself look heavy in photos…
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I think that I want hire someone to write me a theme song. I think that would be something really cool to have…
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O.K. 8 mins to an all new Angel. Procrastination rules!!!!
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In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to eat the last piece of cake when I woke up last night. But really, I wasn’t going to sleep; I was just laying in my bed. So the cake got eaten and washed down with a cup of milk.

The first dream was me walking along a road. It strangely reminded me of Antioch, near the spot where they are building new houses near Suzanne’s friend, Jason house. Anyway, there was a crosswalk that had a crossing guard The guard was dressed in a yellow and black outfit with this hat that had a black stop sign on the top of it. Has I get closer, I see that this guy is stopping traffic and then letting it go. So I finally get up to the crosswalk and I say hello and we chit-chat for a bit. So he goes to stop traffic and there is this car comming. The guard holds his hand out to stop the car, but the car slowly drives by with out stopping. The guard is blowing his whistle at the car and then the Indian driver (Who looked like the manservant in The Royal Tenebaums) pulls out a black gun and fires at the crossing guard, and then speeds off. I rush out to the street and whip out my cell phone to call 911. The last thing that I remember is that I am trying to stop the blood and there are firemen and parametics around me, coaching me, but not helping.
After my bathroom break, I went back to sleep and had a dream about Suzanne and I. I’m not sure where we were at, but it was outdoors or a window was open, cause there was an outdoor smell. So we started talking, but it quickly ended up with us arguing about the breakup and everything about us. And then it got ugly. I remember calling her a spoiled, manipulative bitch at one point and her calling me a selfish, uncaring asshole. Then we started kissing and had one of the best sex fantasies that I have had in a long time. The last thing I remember with her laying in her arms was her saying, “Now what?” before I woke up.
In a way, I guess I should be grateful for that piece of cake, cause it helped me work out some issues that I’ve had. Granted, I should have had this conversation with the real Suzanne, and not a dream Suzanne. Actually, one could say that I have already had this conversation with her, since it was all about arguments that we got into before (I even rehashed the Brittney/Christina argument we had gotten into one time.) In the end, dream Suzanne threw something that I had said back at me. And if she is happy, then I guess I have no choice but to be happy for her, even if it is not me that is making her happy.
Granted I have no idea if she is happy or not. She could be in an abusive relationship, waiting for me to rescue her from. **sigh** yeah right. I think if anything that bad was happening to her, then April would let me know. I still haven’t read her journal since that time in February when I used Eric’s screenname to read her private entries. Although several times I have been tempted too; as in I have typed in the address, but stop before hitting the Enter button. It was only through the dumbest of luck that I found out that she isn’t going out with the guy she took to the David Grey concert. Six Degrees of Livejournal is such an unpredictable game, non?
So is she seeing the “kissing neck” guy (probably a Renaisance Faire Guy). Or maybe she is actually seeing someone who is an electrician that worked on the same site as she did. Maybe one of her many LJ admirers has flown out to California to be with her. Perhaps she is sitting home every night crying over the mistake she has made, but unsure how to get Joe back into her life (**sniff, sniff** what’s that smell? Smells like crap….) Who knows? But what I do know is that I will stop wallowing in the “Who is she doing?” question. Eventually, I might get pass the “What is she doing?” question. But one step at a time, right?
After work today, I’m sitting in my car waiting for a parking space. San Francisco has been having wierd weather today; Sun into hail into sun into rain, etc. Well it rained for a bit, and then a beautiful rainbow came out in the sky. And I looked up at it and wondered not who is she doing, but what was she doing right now. I wondered if she could see the rainbow and if it had put a smile on her face, like it did mine.
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