Monthly Archives: August 2000

2 bowl cereal – 1/2 Fruity pebbles, 1/2 Frosted Flakes; 2% milk
5 glasses water
1 serving beef ramen
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I should be happy cause i’ve moved back to S.F., but this is a monday and heaven forbid that things would go right on a Monday. First of all, I still have no money. I was expcting my check to already be deposited into my account. But I just checked my account and I have no money in it. AARRRGGGHHH!!!!! Second, I decided to look at Suzanne’s journal. Big mistake. She tried killing herself last night or was cutting erself on purpose. she did this because I sent a mass email to everybody that I was moving. Well, she says it wasn’t cause of me, but still. Now what do I do. Do I call her and talk to her, but then start the whole cycle of us crying all over again. Or do I turn and walk away, dealing with my problems and letting her deal with her problems hoping that she is alive when we come back together to be friends.
She has this idea that i wouldn’t come to her funeral. I don’t know if I should be hurt or angered by that. I guess both. I am sorry that our relatonship didn’t work out. Maybe I did bail out of it instead of working it out. I totally take all responsibility for us breaking up. But I thought that she knew me better than this. I guess I was wrong. In some ways, she knows me so well, better than myself. But in some ways, she is a total stranger. The only way that I wouldn’t come to her funeral is because I had killed myself because of her. O.k. the boss is here and I nedd to clean up my tears.
Current mood: sad
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I should have put the webcam on. My room is a mess and it might be interesting watching me pack my stuff.
Naw, I would just get horny 40 and 50 yr olds wanting me to take off my underwear and shake my ass for them.
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1 glass – Rasberry Tea / shot of Jose Cuereo Tequilla
2 pigs in blankets w/ketchup and mustard
1 1/2 creamy brocolli tuna helper
1 ice cream sandwich – 1 scoop mint ice cream / 1 Nestle TollHouse cookie / 1 serv. Herseley Dipping Chocolate w/ Krackle pieces.
1 glass – Strawberry KoolAid
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My Color analysis (I Think)
Your Existing Situation
Not only considers his demands minimal, but also regards them as imperative. Sticks to them stubbornly and will concede nothing.
Your Stress Sources
Unfulfilled hopes have led to uncertainty and apprehension. Needs to feel secure and to avoid any further disappointment, and fears being passed over or losing standings and prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads him to make exaggerated demands and to refuse to make reasonable compromises.
Your Restrained Characteristics
An unadmitted lack of confidence makes him careful to avoid open conflict and he feels he must make the best of things as they are.
Becomes distressed when his needs or desires are misunderstood and feels that he has no one to turn to or rely on. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Able to obtain physical satisfaction from sexual activity but tends to hold aloof emotionally.
Your Desired Objective
Urgently in need of rest, relaxation, peace, and affectionate understanding. Feels he has been treated with a lack of consideration and is upset and agitated as a result. Regards his situation as intolerable as long as his requirements are not complied with.
Your Actual Problem
Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of his hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. He is trying to escape from this into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, protecting him from dissatisfaction and lack of appreciation.
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1 snack pack fat free pudding – tapioca
1 piece chicken lunchmeat
2 servings of Doritos Cool Ranch Chips
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Today is not a pretty day. I’m suppose to be moving my stuff to my new temp apartment in SF, but I procrastinated during the morning, and now I’m going through boxes of letters, papers, and other misc. crap that I have collected trying to decide what to take to the apartment, what to store at the warehouse, and what to throw away. So I guess I’m not moving anything until tommorow.
I have pictures of the new place on my website if you want to check them out. What else. Nothing much really. Just been doing alot of thinking…O.K. so mostly I’ve been doing alot of avoiding and I’m just now am starting to think about what’s going on in my life. I’ve got lots to say and to spew, but not right now. I need to get this packing stuff done. I would like to make a trip tonight, but I think I will go tommorow.
Current mood: distressed
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it’s so cold, yet so bright outside
This is what I want; to be alone, right?
I will have another chance right?
I didn’t think so with April, but then I met Suzanne
So that means that their could be someone after Suzanne
Will I have to go through the suffering that I did before
Will I have to put my friends through that same suffering over again.
Heh, yeah right. They are all away dealing with their own lives. No time for Joe anymore.
This is what I wanted, to be alone to solve all of my problems.
So get up, adjust the mask and the disguise, and go out into the world.
While I think up ways of advoiding it and leaving it.
Current mood: depressed
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It’s the sound of me crying alone in the night….
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