Actually, I made a small discovery today. I think that my problem is that I am not passionate about anything. When I get passionate about something, whether it is love or hate, I become more alive and vibrant. But I’ve been on this passive, don’t care admitted and it’s affecting everything in my life. I think that’s why I’ve been depressed and slothful lately. I’m def. goofing off at work and it’s costed me a raise, or at least prospone it. And I can defietly use it. I used most of my money that I had left to buy groceries so I wouldn’t starved and have to life off of ramen for a week. But for the last two days, I’ve been pigging out and guzzling sola like crazy. I def. got to stop that. I mean I’m fat enough has it is. It is so hard to hide my gut, and I have only so many places to stuff it at. So I have $17 dollars left and I need to do laundry? Maybe I can do laundry at Angie’s house before she leaves for Boston. I could goto Suzanne’s but I don’t think so. While on one hand, I’m trying to be friendly to her, on the other hand, I want to keep some distance between us. GOD, i guess it does sound like I’m playing a game with her. I’m not, although today I had a thought that it might be easier. I dont know, I making a consession to my friends by not givving her my new address when I move. I think it’s wrong and it is going to cause more trouble, but I know that my friends are just worried about me and don’t want to see another April episode. I don’t want to see an April episode, although in some ways, I’m feeling the same kind of pain inside.
A 40-something rediscovering life in California