Quetzal spoke to me tonight. I was in my room with my clock radio on and he came in to get something. He was leaving and he mumbled something about how I could use his stereo. Will wonders never cease.
Anyway, I was cleaning my room, organizing stuff and what not when I found The Letter from Suzanne. I think everybody has one or two things that happened in relationships that can be summed up in one or two words. With Kathy, it is The Chase. With April, it is THE LETTER. Hmmm… Both of those are stories in their own right, but maybe at another time.
Anyway, I read this letter that I have read before. I don’t know what happened, but it was like I was reading the letter for the first time. I was crying by time I had finished it. Just reaffirming yet again what a bastard I can be. I…i don’t know. Suzanne was probably the perfect match for me. She loved me fully and completely. Yet in the end, I didn’t have the strength and courage to love her the same way. I don’t know what happen. I know that I’m a total fuck case, that’s what. Why did I let her go? Everybody said that I was looking happy again. And I remember a time that I was happy. How could I have lost that happiness. And can I get it back. The thing is, I don’t think that I want to get it back. I honestly think that I just want to wallow in self pity and self hatred right now. Well, I don’t know about that. Hmmm. Part of me wants to be alone right now and just drift through life. Another part of me misses the hold and embrace of another, specific Suzanne’s embrace. The other part of me doesn’t really care either way, just has long has we get some sex soon and not have to wait years for it.
Can people fall out of love. Yes they can. If they can fall into love, then it reasons that they can fall out of love. This is what I have done. I have fallen out of love for Suzanne. Or have I? Hmmm. I still love her, but not has much? I will always have a place in my heart for her? These all sound so cliche and uncaring. The problem isn’t with her. It’s with me. I don’t love myself. I don’t like the way I look, the way I dress, the way I talk, and I don’t like the person that I am. Yet, I choose not to do anything about it, except to type away for the benefit of the few people that read this thing. I don’t have the balls or the desire to kill myself and to put myself out of my own self misery. I’d rather just plod on through it alone.
Why am I so afraid to share myself with others. I a way, I’m not, cause has many people work with me, once you get over the “Joe is an evil monster and you best do has he says and stay out of trouble.” and realize that I’m just a pushover, then usually the next topic we get into is sex. But sex is such an easy topic to talk about compared to the emotions and feelings that I keep bottled up inside.
I think that I have done such a good job at keeping things inside of me, that I don’t know how to release them. True I have this to spew out to, but even now, there are so many different thoughts racing through my head that are not getting out; they are just staying inside my heart and my head. I wish that there was some way to plug LJ into my brain so that I could have my thought posted at a moments notice. I’m sure I would figure out some way to block and to hide things still.
So where am I going with this? I don’t know. I guess I started typing thinking that I would try to defend my actions somehow. Like the hell I can do that? Intentionally or not, I played with Suzanne. I pulled her to me and pushed her away once, twice, and a third time. And the last time will be the last time. I will not get back to Suzanne. How could I after all that I’ve done to her? The thing is, she would take me back. All I would have to do is to apologize to her and she would take me back. That is true love my friends. Could I do the same if the roles were reversed? I would like to say yes, but I honestly don’t know. I don’t know who the hell I am. My moods change at a moments notice. I am definitely fucked up in the head.
All that I know is that I cannot get back together with her or anybody while I’m in the condition that I am in. Can I fix myself? I think so. Can I do it by myself? I think so.
With two more friends moving away, I will truly be more and more alone here in this city. I will have to do this on my own. But I am so weak. I can’t even stop myself from drinking caffeine or biting my nails for one day. And I can’t even motivate myself to take a small walk or some other exercise (although, just to defend myself for a second, I have been lifting lots of boxes since it is back to school time at the bookstore and we are getting hella orders at the warehouse.) I have no motivation to work on learning Flash or C++. I have no motivation to start working on karate or tai-chi. No motivation at all. I wonder what is my motivation to live is (Not Going To Kill Myself; god, give me SOME credit).
Well, it’s almost way time for me to goto bed. Tomorrow Friday and it shaping up to be one hell of a day. And I’m sure that I will have lots to think about.
Current mood: drained
Current music: BT – Lullaby for Gaia (on repeat)
A 40-something rediscovering life in California