Monthly Archives: August 2004

I’m not sure if it is the depression or the prozac, but I feel worse than before. Actually, I don’t feel too depressed, but I have been listless and with no energy the entire day. I don’t think that I stayed up too late on Saturday, maybe to 1am (which is early considering that I usually stay up to 4am). I woke up early around 7-8am and then slept on and off the rest of the day. I also don’t remember much about what I did Saturday, except that I did go out for a walk and I bought dinner at Safeway. Also, Barbara came back from seeing her son in Colorado. Anyway, prozac can cause some people to become sleepy and tired. If I am this way tomorrow at work, then maybe I’ll start taking my pills at night.
Tomorrow is the first week without Tim. **sigh** I am really going to miss him. But I still have Mark and I will have Danny, so that is something. Hopefully there will be clear sailing for the next three weeks. I’ll be working late for the next two weeks, so that should keep me busy and from being depressed.

I put up a new photo gallery here. It’s actually something that Lesa put together and mailed to me recently. Some of the pictures are ones that I took and have sent to herr over the years. But has I look over all of the pictures, especially the ones that I am in, I look at my smiling face and wonder if I was really happy when the picture was taken, or was I just putting on a face for the camera. It’s sad too because most of the pictures, I hardly remember. It’s like there is a fog covering my brain when it comes to these memories.

The Doctors have asked me if I have been sleeping well. I haven’t and Dr. Grace gave me a leaflet on insomnia. And I guess that is part of the problem. I’ve cut down on caffiene and am trying to goto sleep earlier and get a healthy sleep pattern going (Although I have failed miserably the last two nights). However, that is only part of the problem.
The other reason why I can’t sleep is because I am so hot, or rather that my body temperature is so hot. I don’t have a fever or anything (Well, I don’t think that I do) it’s just that my skin gets so hot that it heats up the bed and I can’t sleep. This is with my mink blankets off of the bed. When Suzanne and I were together, she would comment about how warm my body would get when we were laying together in bed. I kinda doubted it because I have always been one that gets cold easily. I mean I rarely wear shorts and will wear a jacket in pretty warm weather. My mother always said that I was cold-blooded and needed to take iron. Anyways, now when I sleep in my bed, I am in constant search for a cool place to lay in. Eventually, I warm up the entire area of the bed. I wish that I was back at Park Merced, then I could sleep on the hardwood floors. Or if I lived alone, I would go out and sleep on the kitchen floor or in the bathtub.
Maybe it’s because I have no one to keep warm at night and my body heat has no place to goto…

A question that always comes up in my theropy sessions is if I’ve had any thoughts of killing myself or doing bodily harm. I always say no, but the truth is that I do think about it alot. Driving home from work on Friday, all I could think about was my body being cut by invisible razors and blood pouring out and flying behind me has I sped along on the highway. Even now, without consciously thinking about it, I can feel where I would like to cut myself. I don’t know what that would acclomplish; releasing the pain inside of me maybe? Regardless, there is some barrier, some line in my psyche that I won’t cross and won’t cut myself or harm myself physically. But what happens if that barrier fails me?
Dr. Grace brought up the question “What if I am being depressed on purpose?” or something to that effect. Is it alright for me to be depressed like this? Is this normal?

I have this feeling that my psychologist, Dr. Grace, wants to hit me with a heavy, inanimated object of some kind. It’s a feeling that I think that all of my friends at one point or another have wanted to hit me with a sledgehammer, or a desk, a bible, or whatever object is in reach.
Dr. Brickner on the hand, just says, “What? The prozac isn’t working? Just take two.” But in Dr. Brickner’s defense, she is cute.
What else? Being phone stalked at work. Went to another one of Tim/Mark’s softball game. That should score some points with Dr. Grace.
Currently watching The Three Musketeers, the Disney version with Kiefer and Sheen in it. It’s pretty cheesy, but Tim Curry is just delicsiously evil in it.

Time is all we have. If we do not make the most of this time or at least put it to good use then we lose all we have. When someone steals your time they steal the most important thing you have. I first saw this in social work when I was working with the aged, blind and disabled. Those that did not do more or less what they wanted to do became very bitter.
Poverty has no virtue. To live like a martyr does nothing – going without food and necessities on purpose is a foolish move. Starvation may cause hallucinations but it brings no insight.
Wealth also has no virtue. Starting from may college days I observed that people with excess wealth compensate for it by lack of drive and purpose. It is human nature to lean toward the secure. I remember a quote from John Steinbeck that said the rich miss out on life’s little gems. The excessively rich may not miss out they just do not pay attention. Those ‘little gems’ give me immense satisfaction.
As we grow and age we change. Some more than others. No one told me when I was growing up that there were any changes after finishing school and getting a job. My perception was the stepladder career approach was boring so I avoided it. I have met more unhappy doctors and lawyers than happy ones.
Possessions should matter less. Relationships more. I once worked in a corporation where we joked that the boss would go home at night and hug his Rolls Royce because he was so nasty he could not find a person to hug. Thoreau said something like possessions possess the possessor.
Others care less about you than you think – especially those that are not close family or friends. People do not generally sit around worrying about what you are doing. If that is the case then why should status matter so much?
The true barometer is self. We have a built-in baloney detector. We can try to fool ourselves into thinking otherwise. If we keep trying to fool ourselves we become neurotic. Our mental perceptions do match to reality and the conflict can ruin a life. Severe trauma is the only real way I have seen to get out of the trap of neurosis.
Self-satisfaction is many times more important than how others perceive us. Those that deny their own self-satisfaction pay a heavy price as they age.
Laugh, laugh, laugh. If we laugh enough we can consider our lives a success.
Too much self-introspection can put your mind in a stew. The world does not revolve around you. By looking outside yourself you can find much to entertain and satisfy.
Curiosity can be the key. That was mine. When I understood that my curiosity was most important my fragile ego got tough and took a backseat. My interaction with people changed as well. They began to take me much more seriously.
Social Evolution can help make some sense of it all. When we look at the bigger context things take a bigger perspective. Remember that it took 15 million years for our ancestors to walk upright.
If I were to die right now, would I be satisfied with my life? Or would it be an unfilled hole? An excellent question. If we ask if often enough our priorities adjust appropriately.
Challenge and accomplishment can make or break a life. Those that are never challenged or accomplish little miss out. Period. Those that bottom feed or ask for handouts do not understand the destruction it can cause on a psyche. The difference between earning and being given can make or break a self-esteem. To pick a goal and achieve it is one of the highest satisfactions we humans can attain.
The net effect of our life has a direct bearing on how we measure our life. The poor farmer will go to the grave having had a more positive effect on humanity than the wealthy drug lord.

According to Moveable Type, this is entry number 3000. Yay!!!!
Except that last year, it said that I had 6000 entries. Well that was a mistake because alot of the entries were duplicated and triplicated. Anyway, I think that the bigger point is that I have been journaling/blogging online for over 4 years now. July 28, 2000 was my first entry on livejournal. Which doesn’t really make sense since my first entry was on May 20th. Hmmm. Anyway, 4 years later, and a multitude of journal entries over the span of various journaling sites and user names, here I am.
Yay!
I wish that I had something momentous to write about. Some life affirming prose, or a declaration of freedom. But I got nothing. Well, there is a Jessica Simpson rant that has been in my head for the last couple of months. How does she get her hands on all of these songs to butcher. I don’t think that I’ve ever watched a whole episode of her show. Usually, I’m flipping channels and her orange skin kinda blinds me for a sec until I can free it and change the channel. But I’ve listened to her butcher Islands in the Stream w/Kenny Rogers, Take My Breathe Away, and now Angels. And WHAT is up with that elongated neck thing that she does…
I digress…
I’ve got nothing. Been on medication for a month with no effect. I have started walking somewhat, I guess I should make it a nightly thing. Still, I feel the same that I felt a month ago. I don’t think that I am making any progress at all. **sigh** Perhaps tomorrow, I can convince Dr. Grace to pull out the electric shock machine. Or make Dr. Brickner can give me something new to take. I remember that Lesa’s mom used to have the 800 or 1600mg motrin pills. I swear they were horse pills, they were huge. I wonder if there is a prozac doasage that high. Just dope me up with 1600mg of prozac. Maybe I can get the flavored prozac that they have for kids? Get the Starburst flavored prozac. Of course I would finish off the Cherry flavored ones first, then Strwaberry, Orange, and lastly Lemon.
I need to do something special for Tim’s last day on Friday. I’m leaning towards taking him out for lunch/dinner at a steakhouse, cause I’ve decided that I am craving steak. However, this is the check that I pay bills with and I have other stuff to take care of too; I have to pay Eric, I have a ticket (although I guess that can wait another month),my car needs to be serviced, and I really need to goto the dentist. And I think it is one of my mom’s bithdays this month(don’t ask).
I need to goto sleep.
What I need to do is to stop watching romance movies on T.V. I have to realize that I am not Viggo Morteson, Harry Connick Jr., Ben Affleck, Hugh Grant, Benjamin Bratt, Liam Neesom, Adian Quinn, or Bill Pullman.
Or am I Sandra Bullock? I always forget which role I’m suppose to play.

but I just had a vacation flashback. So my parents have DirecTV or DishTV (can’t remember which). Anyway, one of the satelites was messed up, so we called a service guy to come out to fix it. So the guy came out and bolted the dish in place and weather-stripped everything (the guy who originally installed the dish did a shitty job.) So they got all of their channels back, and I guess the service guy gave them all of the channels, because they had HBO, Showtime, and Cinemax.
So Eric and I are watching TV late at night, actually I’m the one watching it and he is playing Need For Speed on the computer. I switch to Cinemax and Busty Cops is on. Now I know that porns aren’t about the plot, but this movie was just bad. I mean the part where all three of the busty cops was a nice eye popper (it was funny watching Eric trying to play his game and watch the TV at the same time), but the “interrigation” where she takes her close off and the next scene she is riding the guy was bad. I mean I don’t even thing that he was inside of her. The final straw was when they went to the Fortress of Bustitude (that’s what it was called) to talk to the Holy Lama, which was in fact, a Lama. When the lama asked them to get closer and to take their tops off, I had to change the channel cause I didn’t want to see any beastiality. Does Skinimax show hardcore stuff. I was actually kinda surprised by the fucking, although they didn’t show any penetration. Anyway, that is the thought that I had to get out of my head. Time to get a little reading in before sleep.

My vacation up to see the family went better then I thought it would. I was able to sucessfully upgrade both my dad’s computer and my brother’s computer. They both now have AMD 2200+ computers with 512MB RAM and my brother’s computer also has a new 120GB hard drive and a new graphics card. I’m glad that everything went smoothly with the upgrades. I had to use my brother’s Best Buy card to get some extra parts, so I’ll be paying him back for those.
With his new computer, my brother was able to play Need for Speed: Underground with no problems at all. I also gave him Halo to play. And I myself got hooked on Need for Speed, esp since I suck at it. I’ve never been that good at racing games. First Person Shooters, Real Time Stategy, and Role Playing have usually been my forte. Still, I’m thinking about buying NFS and getting good at it so I can challenge Eric online.
Anyway, spent some quality time with Eric. He seems better than he was before. Embaressing moment when he took me out to a bar for drinks and I left my ID card at home. I mean it’s been I long time since I’ve been out to a bar, but I can’t remember getting carded. I guess I should be flattered that the bartender thought that I was under 21, but it was totally embaressing to me. Anyway, we went out to the movies and hung out a bit. Good times.
The parents are doing O.K. My mom has lost alot of weight, but she seemed better than usual. My dad also seemed to have lost some weight, but he is doing well. I talked to mom about my theropy and stuff, which was good for me, I think. I am worried about the family, but they are strong, and…well, I can’t used them has an excuse to ignore my own problems.
I did part of my homework and walked around the neighborhood a couple of days. These houses up here are on huge tracts of land, stuff that would easily be in the $600,000 or more here in California. If I could find a job that pays the exact same ammount that I’m making here, I could easily move up there. Maybe find a place close to home to live in. I could rent a 1 bedroom by myself, or maybe even have Eric move in with me. That might be wierd…not really, but I can’t imaging anyone else I know moving in with their siblings.
I am thinking about calling my Aunt Jackie and seeing if I can visit the family out there for Thanksgiving or Xmas. I have a little time to decide on it and get plane tickets. I don’t know, I’m just thinking it’s about time I’ve reconnected with the rest of my dad’s family. They raised me for a number of years, and now today, I know so little about them.
Spent a little time with the box of memories that I have up there. However, my thoughts were on Suzanne, as usual. In the movie 28 Days, Sandra Bullock gets sent to rehab, blah, blah, blah…
Side note, I just now realize that Viggo Mortensen was the baseball player in that movie (I also had the sam realization when I saw him in G.I. Jane.)
…and her boyfriend is this british guy named Jasper. Anyway, when she gets out, and they are trying to work things out and he is willing to change for her, but he’s an ass and they are at the restaurant and then she lifts the horses leg and leaves him. I wonder if I am Jasper. I mean, maybe Suzanne loves/loved me, but things didn’t work out. The only side note is that she really didn’t give him a chance in my eyes. O.K. he was an ass and probably not going to take it seriously, but it just didn’t seem like she gave him a chance. Like he was willing to change for her, all she had to do is to tell him what to change. She just does the horse trick and then leaves him. Does she get with the coke head baseball player and forgive him for jumping into someone elses arms?
There was one point that I think that I had rectify everything between Suzanne and I. I had also retify my withdrawl from my friends and was planning on reconnecting with them. I wish that they had broadband up in Washington so I could have put my thoughts down or had brought a journal to write in. Anyway, whatever I had decided on is lost and I am back to the same place that I was when I left.
My theropist thinks that I should reach out to my friends for help and support. I argue that until I completly cure myself, I should not put my friends throght this cycle of clamming up inside of myself and withdrawing from almost everything. Also this isn’t high school anymore and they have their own families and lives to live and can not spend their time emotionally babysitting me anymore. In regards to Suzanne, I should either uphold the promise that I made not to see her ever again and move on or break that promise and try to repair our friendship. However, to hide away and do nothing but to dream up delusional fantasies and to live in the memories of the past is wrong.
I also need to think about moving out of here. I like it here with Barbara and the cats, however I don’t think this is the place for me. I wish that I could find a place all to myself, like an in-law or something. However, I’m not sure if being alone is the thing I need to do. At the very least, I need to find a roommate that is closer to my age and how doesn’t have a list of medical problems. Also, it has to be someplace sunny, not like the north side of Pacifica, Daly City, or near SFSU.
Last thing is getting my sleep patterns unter control. With Tim gone, there’s no one to cover for me if I’m late. So the plan is to be off the internet and TV by 11pm and have the computer off by midnight…or 12:30. Def. it will be off by 1am. I’m seeing the psychaitrist this week; maybe I’ll ask for some sleeping pills. Also, the prozac is not working at all. I wonder if she will up the doasage or give me something new. I still think that electric shock theropy would quickly cure everything. Just a thought.