Monthly Archives: September 2004

I’ve wanted to write for quite awhile now, but haven’t had the energy or motivation to actually do it. It just seemed like too much trouble. Even now, it’s really dificult for me to write this, and I’m sure all that I want to say won’t get out. I sometimes wish that I had a voice recognition program so that I could just say my thoughts out loud, or maybe have the fabled LJ chip placed in my head and have my very thoughts transfered to my journals. Anyways…
The main reason that I’m typing this is to talk about the dream that I had a few nights ago, or was it last night. Ever since I’ve switched to Paxil, I’ve really lost sleep and my sleeping paterns have been really erradict. Among other things. But anyway, the dream was that I was in a mansion at the top of the stairs and people were comming into the mansion all dressed up. I assume that it was all people that I know, but the only ones I really remember seeing were Jesse, April, Angie, Lesa, and Michelle. There was also another part of the dream where I walked in on a teenage Antonio (Barry & Gabi’s older son) having sex with some girl in his room. And then I was having a sex coversation with him, telling him that he nothing to worry about in high school, because he is part Peruvian, so he automaticlly has the good looks from his mom’s side of the family and he will inheret his dad’s big penis size. I have no idea where that part of the dream came from. O.k. so the most important part of the dream was when Lesa and Michelle came into the mansion. Lesa was looking really hot in the dream; like I don’t remember what she was wearing, but she was really hot looking. And she was really pissed off with me. And I was begging her to help me with something, but I don’t remember what it was. All I remember that I was crying and pleading for her to help me, and she did. And then when everyone was leaving, we got into a fight….it wasn’t a fight per se. But words were said between us and we were both crying. Things didn’t end on a bad note, more like an undecided/wait and see note.
Tomorrow is my last session with Dr. Grace. I have mixed feelings about it, but overall, I guess I am thankful for what help she gave me. Both Dr. Grace and Brickner raved about the new shrink that I am going to be seeing. Apparently, he is the head of the dept. or some top guy. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. Anyway, 3 weeks before my next appointment.
Sometimes, I just think that I need someone to slap some sense into me, or just physically knock the depression out of me. It has been done before by a number of people before. Jesse punched some sense into me in high school. Shawn has tackled me before. Lesa hit me on the head before (but her laughing her ass off kinda ruined that one). Dr. Grace thinks that I want someone to come and save me, and in a way I do. I would love someone to pop up on my doorstep, knock me out, drag my carcas to the beach and drown me in the water until this feeling/depression/hopelessness would dissappear and then breathe new life into me. But I know that I can’t depend on anyone else, that I have to depend on myself to survive. I have to learn how to be happy on my own, how to love on my own, to deal with my emotions on my own. The one thing that I have learned is that before you can count on others to make you happy, before you can count on others for emotional support, before you count on anyone else for love, you have to be able to provide all of this to yourself by yourself. Once you can do this for yourself, then you can do this to others.
On a random note, maybe the job tests were right when they said that I should be a national park ranger. Out by myself in a log post in the middle of the forest, watching out for bears, forest fires, and lost campers. Hmmm, you probably couldn’t get DSL or cable out there. Or hot water.

That is all…

from April’s Livejournal
To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk rejection.
To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave.
He has forfeited his freedom.
Only a person who takes risks is free.

call me

In the U.S.—
Paxil
In Canada—
Paxil
Category
Antianxiety agent
antidepressant
anti-obsessional agent
antipanic agent
posttraumatic stress disorder agent
social anxiety disorder agent
Description
Paroxetine (pa-ROX-uh-teen) is used to treat mental depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder (also known as social phobia), premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Paroxetine belongs to a group of medicines known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). These medicines are thought to work by increasing the activity of the chemical serotonin in the brain.

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I am not having a good week. I wonder if it has to do to the fact that I ran out of Prozac this week. Basicly I’ve gone from not having any feelings and being “dead to the world” to back to being moody and depressed. Should the effects of prozac wear off that quickly? Anyway, I see the Dr. Brickner today, so she can drug me up on some new drugs. I think that I’m going to make this a journal weekend and just write away. Just not going to do it right now at work (too early for me to break down in front of the new guy). I just took a look at the last 10 songs that I listened too. Man, what a mix of different things…
Jay-Z – Excuse Me Miss
INXS – Let It Ride
Norah Jones – Be Here to Love Me
Beastie Boys – Futterman’s Rule
Trisha Yearwood – Down on My Knees
Spice Girls – Weekend Love
Green Day – Poprocks
The Fugees – Ready or Not
Johnny Cash – So Doggone Lonesome

I am hating my theropy, just for public record. This has been the biggest waste of time and money. Now I know why Tony Soprano gets so pissed of at Dr. Melfi(sp?).
AAARRGGGHHHH!!!
I really was in a muderous rage this morning. I wanted just to lash out and break stuff in her office. Such a waste…it is only a matter of time now before I kill myself. I swear, I am so ready just to end it. What’s the point of theropy if it doesn’t help. If I just around and around in circles. God, why can’t she just drug me up or electricute me and cure me? Or just knock some sense into me, or just slap the depression right out of me?

…is that it is easier for me to get drunk. After a horrific commute home (the one bad thing about living in Pacifica is that if there is an accident on Hwy 1, then the entire hwy is backed up for at least 10 miles) I decided to get some booze to relax and celebrate payday. O.K., so a lower alcohol tolerance isn’t necessarily a good thing, but it works tonight.
I still have homework to do for my doctor’s appointment tomorrow; Relating Automatic Thoughts To Primary Emotions. Your Enviroment is influenced by your thoughts, moods, behaviors, and physical reactions…or something like that. Anyway, I’m supose to think of a situation and remember the automatic thoughts I had, the primary emotion behind those thoughts, and what thinking errors did I use (the thinking error list) Also, it will be my last session with Dr. Grace, which I am not too happy about. I’m already not liking the new theropist that I’m suppose to see next month, and I’m a little aggrivated over the fact that She didn’t tell me that she was going to be leaving after two months. Then I have an appointment with Dr. Brickner on Friday. While she is cute and very pleasant on the eyes, the last two times I’ve seen her, she hasn’t even had my records with her. I also have to fill out the survey on her. At least she’ll be able to prescribe me a new anti-depressant. She can just pull out the wheel of drugs and give it a spin. I’m hoping for paxil or lithium. I guess I should get my homework done.

So has part of my dealing with depression, I have started to listen to “inspirational” songs on my way to work in the morning. Not a tape or a CD of someone telling me, “I deserve good things, I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am an attractive person. I am fun to be with.” (to quote Stuart Smalley). No, I’ve just been listening to my CD’s on the way to work. However, instead of listening to sad love songs like I used to do, I’ve been listening to “uplifting” songs, like Wind Beneath My Wings. Except that I’m not listening to Bette Midler. No, I’m listening to Christina Aguilera. Yes, I’m listening to Christina; excuse me X-Tina **eye roll**. The point is that I am listening to these two songs (lyrics below) in an attempt to give myself some self esteem and to help with my depression. And it’s not working. But I can’t stop listening to these two songs. I think the real point that I wanted to get is that after 2 months of theropy, I don’t feel like that I have made any progress with myself. I know that I have to stick with it and I plan on doing that. However, I guess that I thought that I would be showing some kind of progress. Some kind of visible or measurable progress. I don’t consider keeping myself busy and working late everyday at work real progress. I’m still the same depressed, lonely, suicidal, pinning for his ex-girlfriend (<----just for the record, it took me 5 min just to type that), waste of air, sorry sack of bones that I was before I started. Anyway, I should get back to work. And Oprah, I am STILL PISSED AT YOU. O.K. X-Tina motivational lyrics...

Soar
When they push, when they pull
Tell me can you hold on
When they say you should change
Can you lift your head high and stay strong
Will you give up, give in
When your heart’s crying out “that is wrong”
Will you love you for you at the end of it all
Now in life there’s gonna be times
When you’re feeling low
And in your mind insecurities seem to take control
We start to look outside ourselves
For acceptance and approval
We keep forgetting that the one thing we should know is
Don’t be scared
To fly alone
Find a path that is your own
Love will open every door
See in your hands the world is yours
Don’t hold back and always know
All the answers you will unfold
What are you waiting for
Spread your wings and soar
The boy who wonders, is he good enough for them
Keep trying to please them all
But he just never seems to fit in
Then there’s the girl who thinks she’ll never ever be
Good enough for him
He’s trying to change and
That’s a game she’ll never win
In life there will be times when you’re feeling low
And in your mind insecurities seem to take control
We start to look outside ourselves
For acceptance and approval
We keep forgetting that one thing we should know is
Don’t be scared
To fly alone
Find a path that is your own
Love will open every door
See in your hands the world is yours
Don’t hold back and always know
All the answers they will unfold
What are you waiting for
Spread your wings and soar
In the mirror is where she comes
Face to face with her fears
Her reflection looked forward on to her
After all these years
However how she’s tried to be
Something besides herself
Now time has passed and she’s ended up
Somewhere else with regret
What is it is that makes us feel the need
To keep pretending
Gotta let ourselves be
Don’t be scared
To fly alone
Find a path that is your own
Love will open every door
See in your hands the world is yours
Don’t hold back and always know
All the answers you will unfold
Don’t wait no more
Spread your wings and soar
Find your road
Love will open every door
See in your hands the world is yours
Don’t look back in the window, you’ll find your way
Always know all the answers will unfold
Oh don’t wait
Spread your wings and soar
Don’t wait no more
You’ve got to soar
Spread your wings and soar
Don’t wait no more
No don’t you wait no more
Spread your wings and soar
You’ve can soar
So what you waiting for
Don’t wait, Don’t wait
Soar
Keep On Singing My Song
Oohhh, Yeah, Oooh Huh
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face
& Nobody’s gonna bring me down today
Been feeling like nothings been going my way lately
So I decided right here and now that my outlooks gotta change
That’s why I’m gonna
Say goodbye to all the tears I’ve cried
For everytime somebody hurt my pride
Feeling like they won’t let me live life
& Take the time to look at what is mine
I see every lesson completely
I thank God for what I got from above
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can’t succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me
But I’m gonna carry on
Keep on singing my song
I never wanna dwell on my pain again
There’s no use in reliving how I hurt back then
Remembering all of the hell I felt when I was running out of faith
Every step I vowed to take was towards a better day
Cos I’m about to
Say goodbye to every single lie
& All the fears I’ve held too long inside
Everytime I felt I could try
All the negativity I had inside
For too long I’ve been struggling. I couldn’t go on
But now I’ve found I’m feeling strong and moving on
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can’t succeed in taking my inner peace
They can say all they wanna say about me
But I’m gonna carry on
I’m gonna keep on singing my song
Whoa, & everytime I tried to be what they wanted from me
It never came naturally
So I ended up in misery, wasn’t able to see
All the good around me
They wasted so much energy on what they thought of me
Simply just remembering to breathe
I’m human, I ain’t able to please
Everyone at the same time, so now I find
My peace of mind living one day at a time
I’m human and I answer to one god
It comes down to one love
Until I get to heave above
I’ve made the decision
Never to give up
Til the I day I die no matter what
I’m gonna carry on & keep on singing my song…..
(They can’t take anything from me)
I believe that they can do what they wanna.
Say what they wanna say
(They can say what they wanna)
But I’m gonna keep on
(Keep on )
I believe it
That they can take from me
But they can’t take my inner peace
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Say what you wanan say, but I’m gonna sing my song
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

So I’m at work and the TV is on Oprah while I am recieving an order. The theme for this year on Oprah is “Your wildest dreams” or something like that. Anyway, first up are 11 teachers and they all get new cars. Yeah, yeah, nothing too special for Oprah. I mean one show that she did on consumer electronics and gadgets, the entire audience walked away with IPods, flat screen TV, PDA, and computers among other things. So she passes out boxes to the audience and tells them that one of them is also going to get a new car. BTW, the car is a new Pontiac G6, comparable to a Jetta, I guess. Anyway, she tells the audience to open their boxes and it turns out that everyone in the audience is getting a new car.
The bitch bought everyone in her audience a new car.
THE BITCH BOUGHT EVERYONE IN HER AUDIENCE A NEW CAR.
We are talking about a 150-200 person audience here, all getting a fully loaded, $20,000+ new car.
I swear the god this is all part of her master plan, forget about Hillary or Bush or anyone else in 2008, it’s going to be Oprah for President. She is just going to buy her way into office.