Monthly Archives: August 2004

I wish that I could wish you a happy birthday in person.
I wish that I could call you up and tell you this.
I wish that I could give you flowers and a present.
I wish that I could assure you that you aren’t getting old.
I wish I could tell you that you are even more beautiful than when I first met you.
I wish that I could watch you blow the candles out on your cake.
I wish I could have watch you read the birthday card I got for you.
I wish that I could hold you and kiss you.
I wish that I could tell you how much I love you.
All I can do is wish you a Happy Birthday and pray that one day I will have a chance to tell you this and more in person, to be a part of your life once again.

Gawd, I thought my life was a train wreck…

It was a beautiful day in the bay area. The perfect day to goto the beach, get some sun, relax, and people watch. But I didn’t because I was afraid that I would see Suzanne.
O.K., how about a drive down to Santa Cruz? Go down to the pier; get some food, walk along the Boardwalk, ride some rides, play some games. Nope, I might run into Suzanne.
Well, how about the Renaisannce Festival at Golden Gate Park. I could go, rent a costume, have some turkey legs and maybe finally buy a cloak. Except that Suzanne could be there…
Dave Matthews in Golden Gate Park…Yeah, right. I will never be able to see Suzanne.
So what’s a psycho like me suppose to do. Goto work. Yep, spend another weekend at work, cleaning up the place and doing alot of unnecessary stuff for hours on end.
God when did I get so pitiful? Have I always been like this? How did I ever have any friends? Did they all just take pity on me?
I think the wierdest part is that I really don’t care at this point. I care enough not to go out anywhere because of an unrealistic fear of seeing Suzanne. Like she would even give me a second look or thought (Or a first one for that matter).
The prozac has gotten me to the point where I am numb and don’t really care. I’m forcing myself to type this for some reason. I’m not sad and depressed, just numb. Is this really better? Am I really getting well or worse?

So much stuff has happened this week…O.K. not really.
I’m just tired and drained from work and the “heatwave” we are having here in the city. I need to get some energy and finish cleaning up this place. There is stuff that I’m suppose to do tonight that I don’t want to do. But I probably will do them. And then tomorrow, I’ll be back here at work. 😛

Part of my problem (according to the Dr.s) is that I worry about stuff that I can’t control or things that are in the future. It’s why it takes me so long to goto sleep at night, why I get sick easily, and it affects my depression.
The one lesson that the last two years have taught me is that in the end, you can’t just depend on others for support and to help you through life if you can’t support yourself. Their love is meaningless if you don’t have love for yourself and vice versa. I loved Suzanne with all of my heart, but it was meaningless because I didn’t love myself, and she left me. And I let her leave.
In order for me to be any good to my friends, my family, and to myself, I need to learn how to survive on my own, to support myself, and to love myself. Only when I learn to hold myself up, to support myself, and to love myself, will I be able to love and support others.
With all of that being said, I am scared shitless of the upcomming week ahead, let alone the rest of the months and years that are comming up. I am so tired and lonely and afraid. I wish that I had friends, or family, or Suzanne to talk to, ot prop me up, to help support and to steady myself, to give me the extra strength and love that I feel that I need. I wish that I had someone that I could talk to.
But all I have is myself…and a bottle of Prozac, to get me through the years ahead; the months ahead; the days ahead. I have to be strong, I have to support myself, I have to love myself. I have to calm the fears inside of me by myself. I have to let the prozac take over, dull my mind and both my fears and my happiness.
I say all of this has I lay huddled in my blankets close to the light of the monitor, as the darkness of my room surrounds me. Alone.

So school starts next week and I’ll probably won’t update for the next week or two.
Friday shit hit the fan when Mark told me that he was quitting that day for a new job that was giving him a $1500 bonus. Later, it turned into Wednesday being his last day. Which still left me up a creek without a paddle, but not as bad. I have a new guy working with me, but he is untrained, and slow, and weak. Oh god, am I going to miss Mark’s strength. So I I’ve been working the weekend, trying to get as much stuff done before Mark goes.
With all of the stuff that has been going on, I’ve been pretty mellow and not stressed out. I blame the 2 prozac/day that I’ve been taking. I’m kinda worried about it, due to the fact that I feel like that I’m lobotimizing myself. It’s not that I’m feeling more sad or depressed with myself, or even happier. I feeling nothing.
O.K., I’m feeling a bit annoyed with my homework assignment, “Relating automatic thoughts to primary emotions.” When I am in a situation, I’m suppose to write about it and analyize it and the thinking error involved. Again, something I think that my psychologist should be doing, not me. Anyway, Dr. Grace is done with her internship/fellowship and is leaving in mid-September. And all I feel is mild annoyance. Not sure if it is the workload or the prozac.

So this is the list of “thinking errors” that I’m suppose to go through and figure out which one(s) that I have. Personally, isn’t this what I pay the psychologist to diagnose. Anyway, I think that all of these apply to me,. but I’ll let those of you that know me decide which one(s) apply to me.

Continue reading →

Been super busy with work.
Found out that my psychologist is leaving next month, so I’ll have to start over with a new one. Semi-disgruntled about it, but too busy with work to really be worked up about it.
I’m suppose to do this thought analysis between now and my next session. There is a list of thinking errors that I’m suppose to figure out with ones I do. If I get a free moment, maybe I’ll type it up.
Also got into another discussion about…
What if all of this doesn’t work; the theropy and the drugs. What else can I do?
Anyway, we got into another debate about the way I am dealing with this by myself. Lesson I’ve learned is that no matter how many friends you have, how many people love you, it doesn’t matter if you can’t love yourself and survive on your own. My love for anyone and everyone else is pointless if I can’t love myself.
Anyway, it is taking an effort just to type this. And I should have been off the computer an hour ago.

one day I will have the strength and courage to end my pitiful existance, one way or another.