My vacation up to see the family went better then I thought it would. I was able to sucessfully upgrade both my dad’s computer and my brother’s computer. They both now have AMD 2200+ computers with 512MB RAM and my brother’s computer also has a new 120GB hard drive and a new graphics card. I’m glad that everything went smoothly with the upgrades. I had to use my brother’s Best Buy card to get some extra parts, so I’ll be paying him back for those.
With his new computer, my brother was able to play Need for Speed: Underground with no problems at all. I also gave him Halo to play. And I myself got hooked on Need for Speed, esp since I suck at it. I’ve never been that good at racing games. First Person Shooters, Real Time Stategy, and Role Playing have usually been my forte. Still, I’m thinking about buying NFS and getting good at it so I can challenge Eric online.
Anyway, spent some quality time with Eric. He seems better than he was before. Embaressing moment when he took me out to a bar for drinks and I left my ID card at home. I mean it’s been I long time since I’ve been out to a bar, but I can’t remember getting carded. I guess I should be flattered that the bartender thought that I was under 21, but it was totally embaressing to me. Anyway, we went out to the movies and hung out a bit. Good times.
The parents are doing O.K. My mom has lost alot of weight, but she seemed better than usual. My dad also seemed to have lost some weight, but he is doing well. I talked to mom about my theropy and stuff, which was good for me, I think. I am worried about the family, but they are strong, and…well, I can’t used them has an excuse to ignore my own problems.
I did part of my homework and walked around the neighborhood a couple of days. These houses up here are on huge tracts of land, stuff that would easily be in the $600,000 or more here in California. If I could find a job that pays the exact same ammount that I’m making here, I could easily move up there. Maybe find a place close to home to live in. I could rent a 1 bedroom by myself, or maybe even have Eric move in with me. That might be wierd…not really, but I can’t imaging anyone else I know moving in with their siblings.
I am thinking about calling my Aunt Jackie and seeing if I can visit the family out there for Thanksgiving or Xmas. I have a little time to decide on it and get plane tickets. I don’t know, I’m just thinking it’s about time I’ve reconnected with the rest of my dad’s family. They raised me for a number of years, and now today, I know so little about them.
Spent a little time with the box of memories that I have up there. However, my thoughts were on Suzanne, as usual. In the movie 28 Days, Sandra Bullock gets sent to rehab, blah, blah, blah…
Side note, I just now realize that Viggo Mortensen was the baseball player in that movie (I also had the sam realization when I saw him in G.I. Jane.)
…and her boyfriend is this british guy named Jasper. Anyway, when she gets out, and they are trying to work things out and he is willing to change for her, but he’s an ass and they are at the restaurant and then she lifts the horses leg and leaves him. I wonder if I am Jasper. I mean, maybe Suzanne loves/loved me, but things didn’t work out. The only side note is that she really didn’t give him a chance in my eyes. O.K. he was an ass and probably not going to take it seriously, but it just didn’t seem like she gave him a chance. Like he was willing to change for her, all she had to do is to tell him what to change. She just does the horse trick and then leaves him. Does she get with the coke head baseball player and forgive him for jumping into someone elses arms?
There was one point that I think that I had rectify everything between Suzanne and I. I had also retify my withdrawl from my friends and was planning on reconnecting with them. I wish that they had broadband up in Washington so I could have put my thoughts down or had brought a journal to write in. Anyway, whatever I had decided on is lost and I am back to the same place that I was when I left.
My theropist thinks that I should reach out to my friends for help and support. I argue that until I completly cure myself, I should not put my friends throght this cycle of clamming up inside of myself and withdrawing from almost everything. Also this isn’t high school anymore and they have their own families and lives to live and can not spend their time emotionally babysitting me anymore. In regards to Suzanne, I should either uphold the promise that I made not to see her ever again and move on or break that promise and try to repair our friendship. However, to hide away and do nothing but to dream up delusional fantasies and to live in the memories of the past is wrong.
I also need to think about moving out of here. I like it here with Barbara and the cats, however I don’t think this is the place for me. I wish that I could find a place all to myself, like an in-law or something. However, I’m not sure if being alone is the thing I need to do. At the very least, I need to find a roommate that is closer to my age and how doesn’t have a list of medical problems. Also, it has to be someplace sunny, not like the north side of Pacifica, Daly City, or near SFSU.
Last thing is getting my sleep patterns unter control. With Tim gone, there’s no one to cover for me if I’m late. So the plan is to be off the internet and TV by 11pm and have the computer off by midnight…or 12:30. Def. it will be off by 1am. I’m seeing the psychaitrist this week; maybe I’ll ask for some sleeping pills. Also, the prozac is not working at all. I wonder if she will up the doasage or give me something new. I still think that electric shock theropy would quickly cure everything. Just a thought.
A 40-something rediscovering life in California