Monthly Archives: January 2001

Evil In My Eyes
I consider myself more evil than good. It is a fact about myself that I have somewhat accepted. Although I have done good things and deeds, I feel that the evil things that I have done outweigh the good.
For one, I have continuously used love has my play toy. Just getting sex is too easy for me. But to conquer someone’s heart and to then crush it; that is an evil challenge that gives me a thrill and a pleasure. I have romanced and seduced many different kinds of ladies. From demure virgins to aggressive sluts, I have gone after them all; winning their trust and love, only to destroy it in their faces. I have even seduced a gay man into falling in love with me, offering everything he had to me. It made the killing of his heart that much more sweeter.
I also believed in the act of revenge; no matter how long it takes and no matter what the cost. I have let the hatred for those who have slighted me simmer in me and fuel me, sometimes for years. And then when the time is right, I strike. Strangers, friends, family; I care not about them or anybody who is in my way. So long has my revenge is complete; that is what matters.
I have loyalty for no one except for myself. There have been times in my life that I have tossed away friendships; just for the reason that I had no more use for that person. People have come up to me in times of need, and I have turned away from them with no remorse or with no second look. Even my own brother, I have abandon in his time of need.
The words “good” and “evil” are terms that society determines on it’s whim (Teacher’s note: Nope. Sorry.) If society deems my deeds and actions has “evil”, so be it. I care not, for in my eyes I am serving myself; and in my eyes, that is “good”.
(Teacher’s Note: Well, as a homage to selfishness, I suppose this works, but as a response to the question, it doesn’t. You haven’t really investigated
you opinion –why do you believe yourself “evil”? What is the definition – not a “whim” as you say – and you contradict yourself – “evil” is “good”? Sophistry. Writing looks ok – some verb form and spelling stuff, but that’s minor…)
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Cook some real food to eat
Clean my computer
Organize my photos
Take new photos
Be happy
Go outside
Current mood: calm
Current music: The Sundays – On Earth

I can’t find the right colors that I want….
I know that all of this is just another attempt to sidestep the issues that I really should be doing. But that’s the way of humans. When something happens, we tend to do things to change ourselves to avoid the topic at hand, whether it’s to get a tattoo or to dye our hair. ANyway, the mix is slowly sucking me in and I think that I want to turn the lights off and just be sucked into it.
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ARGH…..I really need to clean up my photos. I have so many, and most of them are crap anyway. Maybe I should burn them to a CD and then clear the whole folder and start all over.
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What to put for my bio….
Actually I had this little story in my head about how I changed to this journal. Maybe I’ll use that for my bio.
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I need to make some kind of order of the chaos that I have. Maybe I should deal with one issue, one question at a time and just work from there. That actually isn’t a bad idea, except I don’t know where to start….
I wonder if I should try to stay hidden anymore. On live journal that is. It’s not like I’ve done a good job of hiding anyway. Damn Live journal and my addictive nature. **sigh** I guess it could be worse; I could be back on Evercrack.
Yes, I guess I should give up on the hidden issue. Let me go modify my journal
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Argh….I really need to fix my computer set up. Actually, I just need to get a chair; right now I am using the little drawer that came with the desk. Of course the cheap bastards didn’t provide a chair with the desk. just like they didn’t put a shower curtain in the shower. Actually, what I need is a cordless keyboard so that I can type from my bed, but the only ergo keyboard that I have seen is the logitech one that comes with the mouse, but I don’t need another mouse, I have like 3-4 already for some reason.
Listening to House Nation on the radio. Someone asked me how could I listen to house music; that all it is the same repeating beats and there are no words to it. I think that it is that there is so much you can do with just those beats. It’s like you can go from drum and bass to techno to happy house to ambient. And then the fact that it is all linked together from song to song; there is no stopping for the next track, it just flows to the next track. I just get lost in the beats and can let the music just take control of my body. Like today, I was driving to the bookstore and they had a house mix going on. I had the radio up all the way in the van, and one of the speakers is right next to my leg. I swear that I was just losing myself to the music, and I could feel it through the speaker in my leg. I almost got in a crash a couple of times. All I wanted to do was to find a huge ass speaker and just lay on it feeling the vibrations and the beats off of it. I really feel like putting some clothes on and going out to see if I can find something still going on. But I don’t have any money. **sigh** Maybe next paycheck.
When I woke up from my nap, My computer and my phone was unplugged. I wouldn’t have done it; I wonder if Matthew came in and did it. If he did, I wonder why? It was kinda creepy.
Guess I’ll run my cam, even though I’m on a 28k connection right now and the lighting in my room seems to be worse than in Park Merced. But I’ve always had bad lighting. I’ll have to fix that later. I can’t wait until the network is up and I can leave the cam running longer. I don’t know why I want to do this, except that I want people to see what is going on in my boring life for some reason.
I also need to decide what to do for my photo shot tomorrow. I think that I will take some shots of myself and play with B/W and sepia settings. I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I am using the camera more and am slowly learning. Maybe I’ll walk down to Borders and read up on photography.
There is so much lock up inside of me, and yet I can’t seem to release it. Am I worried about other people reading it? If that was the case, I would be writing it down instead of typing it on here. I guess I could make it private, but I’ve always thought that private entries defeated the purpose of an online journal..
Why do I want to be alone? Why do I have to do things by myself? Why do I have to shut myself off by myself?
Current mood: awake
Current music: Listening to House Nation on Wild 94.9

The highlight of this day so far has to be the flat that I got in the van an hour before it was time for me to go home. The thing is that there was a flat on Thursday that we just fixed and then this. It was scary though on how fast I changed the tire by myself. It took Peter, Tim, and I forever to get the first flat changed…
Anyway, it was just Amber and I today; Tim asked for the day off to take care of some business and Peter was suppose to have worked a half day, but never showed up for work. It wasn’t a real busy day, but I did have to do a lot of lifting by myself.
Mary took me out to lunch and we caught up on our lives and bookstore gossip. I was glad to see her and to talk to her since I don’t get a chance to visit the bookstore anymore. I’m glad that she had a good time in Guam with her family and friends. She said that her parents are thinking about buying her a house in the city. I didn’t realize that she was rich, but that would explain her always having bank money with her.
She wanted me to go wit her to the movies, but I declined. Mary is nice and everything, but I just don’t feel like I would be good company at the movies tonight. I just want to stay in my room and be by myself. Which is what I shouldn’t be doing. **sigh**
So this weekend, I will probably stay cooped up in my room. I do have a party to go to on Sunday. It is Jade’s Birthday party, I have to be there to represent the Warehouse. I think that I will make an appearance and stay for an hour then drop out.
There is so much more that I should be saying right now, but I can’t….not yet…
Current mood: exhausted
Current music: Hum of the computer

So I decided to watch Shakespeare In Love tonight. I knew if I watched Thomas Crown Affair I would get depressed, because that is/was our movie. And although I’ve been on a Vampire kick with Anne Rice, watching Blade just wouldn’t have the effect that I was looking for. So I chose Shakespeare. Romeo and Juliet has always been my favorite, I have always loved the story and the tragedy of it. And Shakespeare In Love has Gwyneth Paltrow in it, who I don’t necessary love or lust after, but she puts on a great performance. Now Joseph Fiennes, I do lust after. His eyes, OMG, I just love his eyes. I wish I could have eyes and looks like his.
But has I watched the movie, all I could do is think about her and just started crying. so I watched the last 30 min with tears streaming out of my eyes. I miss her so much. I know that I will never get over her. I don’t know if it will be like April, where I spent 3-4 years of my life crying over her. But like April, I will always have a place in my heart for her….
I don’t know how I can go on every day, carrying this pain and grief inside of me. Every morning when I wake up, I just want to stay and hide in my room all day. I don’t understand where I get the strength to get out of bed and to go to work. Maybe I think that at work, I can forget and pretend that my life is ok. But it isn’t; it is just an act that I put on for those around me and for myself….
I can’t do this tonight, I have to go…
Current mood: depressed
Current music: Sound of the heater in my room

I got my computer back from Gateway and they said it was working fine. And they were right. I don’t know what happened, but I’m glad to get sound from both of my speakers again….
Well, I just finish with the updating of software and downloading of e-mail. Not too much e-mail really, just mostly junk stuff. So now that everything is working, I think that I will watch a DVD. Actually, I should start uploading pics of the new place…
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