Daily Archives: July 18, 2000

“Hey, this is Joe’s livejournal. I decided to take an impromtu vacation. If you would like to leave a complaint or complement or just a message, leave it after the beep and I will get back to you when I return……..**BEEP!**
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God, do I feel like awful. I wonder if I good enough to go to work…
Yeah, I have to goto work. There is so much to do there, and in my work, I can lose myself in it…
**looks around and starts to shovel the waste around him**
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I was warned. Everybody warned me. But in typical Joe fashion, I just politely listened and then walked right into the fire. How many more scars will it take for me to learn. How much pain must I cause before my eyes are open. How much destruction must I cause before I finally see. Such the fool that I am
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I feel the thoughts swirl around me, like some kind of fog that surrounds me. They beg to be released to, to lash out against all that attack me…but although some slip out, I hold most of them in check…
I feel the drugs in my system; In the back of my throat I taste the powder of the medicine. I feel it disapate in my system and I feel it race thru my blood….
Turn off the computer. Turn the lights off. Lay down on your bed. Ignore the sounds coming from downstarirs. Follow the sound of your beating heart. Find that pulse and follow it has it slows down and leads you to….
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foolish tiger…..
It would have been too easy just to fall asleep and dream…
No, on the coldest day we have had this summer, it has to be hot has hell in my room and the neighbors downstairs have to be having a party on a monday night…
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But then, death would be the easy thing to do; the easy way out. And you know Joe follows the college bookstore motto; “We don’t do short, quick, easy, and efficient. We do long, slow hard,and difficut.” No, I must take the blows and suffer in silence and solitude
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And so the end dance starts up once again.
I will play the part of the villian. I like to root for the villians in movies, so I guess the role suits me.
I am the cold and callous bastard (And I am a bastard, figurately and litteraly) who tore open your chest and ripped your heart out. I played with your mind; flocked with your emotions, and danced with your passion and lust.
So come one and come all. I am here with my arms stretched out. Come to me. Come to me, tie me on a cross, and crucify me for the sins that I have commitied. Kill me for the hurt that I have cause and the pain that I have inflicted with my cold and uncarring heart.
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I wonder where everything went wrong. At what point in time did the train jump off of the tracks and causes the major accident that is my life?
Was it seeing her with her hair covering her eyes has she read a book at the counter….
Or was it farther than that?
Was is walking around campus and talking to her during my free period…
Or was it farther than that?
Was it seeing her in the hallway on my first day of school with a blue skirt on and a clip in her hair….
Or was it farther than that?
Was it the awkward pause that we had in the hallway with our friends around us pushing and proding us…
Or was it farther than that?
Was it us holding hand on a hill has firework went off in front of us…
Or was it farther than that?
Was it that first kiss that we shared in front of your house after I had walk you to your house from the bus stop….
Or was it farther than that?
Was it the day that my mother gave up on me and put me up for adoption.
Or was it farther than that?
Can I go any father than that?
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Well, I have to upload pictures that i took at work for the bosses. I want my high speed connection. Blah, AOL dialup sucks.
Listening to Natalie Merchant and 10,000 Maniacs. A somber CD, just what I need right now.
I’ve been told that all I need to do is to start dating and find myself a rebound. The thing is that I’m not a real big dater. I’m not really that interested in getting into the dating scene anyway. But maybe I should put an ad up on AOL and create a profile for myself. If nothing else, I can meet new people.
Anyway. I’ll think about it. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to at least update my profile and check out the chat rooms
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Do I even know what I’m talking about anymore. I am caught in between so many different realities. I guess this rum & coke is not helping me any. Neither are the tears in my eyes. I guess it’s time for me to get some sleep. Perhaps in the land of dreams, I can find the answers I seek.
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