Was watching an episode of Transformers (the new Transformers, the Beast War crap.) Anyway, one of the robots was this robot named Noble. He was a wolf like robot; good guy, noble an heroic. But when his rage got to him, he would transform into this dragon like beast named Savage, unable to control his temper and he would attack all who were near him. Eventually we find out that Noble/Savage is really Megatron, the leader of the evil Decepticons (are they even called that anymore) and he discards his Noble self and fully becomes his Savage, evil self. But at the end of the show, Noble, who looks dead, open his eyes and we see that there is a spark of life in him.
I kind of feel like this. Today was my karate class. And I sat though the class and listened to all the usual intro BS. After class, this foreign guy, sounded like he was Russian or something tried to talk to me about incomplete. Basically, I’m taking the class over again, and not making up the incomplete. So my incomplete will become an F. He was trying to tell me that I shouldn’t do that, but I brushed him off rudely and stormed out of class. Has I was walking to my car, I was just shaking with rage and hate. “Who the hell does this fuckin commie think he is?” I was so furious. I realized how pissed I was and tried to calm down, but all I could think of was how I hated everything and wanted to hurt someone. I thought about so friends of mine who got married. How could they do that without telling me about it. I thought about Jesse, an old friend of mine. He left without saying goodbye to me. He was suppose to invite me to his mom’s wedding. Wasn’t I his friend? How could he not invite me? I thought of an ex-girlfriend of mine. I loved her so much? How could she cheat on me. I thought of Suzanne, I should find someone and goto the Renfair, just so that Suzanne would get hurt. I just thought of everybody I knew and just thought of ways that I could hurt them. I finally got to my car and just sat there and yelled and cried. Just has this anger attack came on to me, it went away. I don’t know what came over me or why I would think such hateful thought towards everybody that I know. But this is what I’m most afraid of, this other side of me. The one that I fight to keep inside of me. I fear that one day, it will be unleashed again (my rage has escaped me). Every day is another day that I guard my inner thoughts and feelings for escaping out onto the world that I know.
Current mood: moody
Current music: Listening to Dave Matthews on Austin City Limits on TV
A 40-something rediscovering life in California