I had a great intro that I wanted to type out. It was called Previously on Joe the Relationship Slayer…, and then I was going to list highlights from the last couple of months with the breakup. **sigh** I guess it was one of those ideas that looked and read better in my head, because when I started typing it, it looked awful. I wish I had a screenwriter’s handbook; that might have helped it (or not).
Well, I guess I’ve been depressed long enough. The trigger, of course was going to see Suzanne. A year ago when we were happily in love, I had gotten her space for her web site. I charged it on my credit card and that was that. Well a year later, the web host had my credit card on automatic charge and so they charged me for another year for Suzanne’s site. The problem with that is that I needed that money to pay for rent. So I got a hold of Suzanne and told her about it. She sounded kinda annoyed by me calling, but she said to come up and she would write a check for me. So Sunday, I drove up early, thinking that I would just see her before church and just be in and out. Actually, I decided that I wanted to go to church anyway because of the Space Shuttle accident.
Suzanne’s church is a laid back, nondenominational church that is presently located at a high school theater while they gather money to build their own church. In theory, I should love this church, with it’s laid back atmosphere and Power point presentations.. However, in the past I haven’t enjoyed myself. I thought that church started at 10:30, but it started an 1/2 early, so I had to sit in the front. So after the service I go outside and find Suzanne, Kimberlee (her sister), and Ken (or is it Keith). Suzanne is surprised that I’m there, I think. She tells me that she left the check at her house and to follow her there. So I go there and she gives me the check and she also unloads more clothes and stuff that I had left.
It is right then when everything just clicks in my head. There is this look in her eyes, she’s afraid of me. She’s afraid of me. I don’t know what I did, but she is honestly afraid of me. I instantly think back to one time when Cisco, another ex of her’s, came looking for her at the bookstore. OMG, she thinks I’m some kind of Cisco. It would total explain the avoidance, her not looking at me, the annoyance in her voice over the phone. I told her that I wouldn’t bother her anymore and just fled to my car and started hyperventilating and crying before realizing that I was doing this in front of her house. So I drove home, tears streaming from my eyes.
The breaking of the Polar Bear Love Predictor was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Everything just came crashing down, and I retreated to my room wallow in my own pity. Things at work and my roommate Mike didn’t real help. It was pretty ugly, the dreams and thoughts I had about killing myself. Still, I guess I was strong enough not to go through with them; or is it indecisiveness. If I was strong, I would either stop having the thoughts or I would go through with it; either way it would end the suffering that I have.
I really do need to start going back to the gym. The exercise will help me out; if nothing else I can exhaust myself and go straight to sleep. It’s also a good thing that I am too poor to get alcohol or drugs. Or Everquest. An addiction of some kind would be a wonderful way to escape reality.
There are a couple of things about the whole Suzanne situation. I still don’t like the way that we broke up. We had a fight, true; but I don’t think it was big enough of a fight for us to be apart. The biggest mistake was that I did nothing when she broke up with me. She didn’t even get the word out. I just let her go. My heart wanted to yell, bet, plea, demand that she didn’t break up with me. But for some reason, I though that the best thing, the grown up thing, was to do what she wanted. And so I let her go. And in 6 months, she had moved on while I waited, believing in our love; believing that our love would bring her back. But like she said, love just isn’t enough. In a way, it mimics my relationship with God. God might love me, but his love isn’t enough; I need more than that. Arrogant of me maybe, but that’s what I believe.
Well, my mind is slowly coming to terms that Suzanne is not going to show up on my door step or call me on the phone and things are going to get patched up. My heart is another matter entirely, and it’s hard stopping it from going to the window and just starring out, hoping by some miracle, Suzanne will be pulling up in her Saturn. Or that the kitty icon on my cell phone will pop up, indicating that she is calling me. So, although I’m not on suicide watch anymore, my state of mind is still all fucked up.
It really the other part of the puzzle that really hurt me the most. O. K. so Suzanne and I are no more. O. K. She’s moved on, seeing other guys, going out with her girls, spending money, having fun with her life. What I want to know is what the hell did I do that was so awful in her eyes that she would treat me like Cisco. Why would she fear me so? Why would she be annoyed be me so. Honestly, I thought that I would be more of a Jason to her; a guy best friend. I don’ t know what I did that make her see me in the light that she does, and I think that more than anything else, hurts me the most.
Maybe it’s just me and my overactive imagination. Maybe it’s because I am good friends with my previous girlfriends, Kathy and April; I just kinda expected that Suzanne would be included. Maybe after a year or two, things will work out and we can be friends. My friends and those who know best tell me that I will get over her, blah, blah, blah. I don’t know though. Yes, I will move on and stuff, however the way this ended will haunt me for years to come. You are suppose to learn from your mistakes, but how do you learn if you don’t know what the mistake was? What did I do to turn Suzanne against me? I wish that I could take it back, whatever it was.
A 40-something rediscovering life in California