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Breakfast at Canyon Cafe in American Canyon today. Trying to reset and get out the house on Sunday’s. I should go grocery shopping after, but we’ll see. Kinda want to goto Vacaville, but kinda don’t either; don’t want to deal with 95° heat.

What other thoughts can I spill while waiting for my food? Two weeks until shutdown and I still haven’t reserved anywhere to go. Another week rotting away at home? Possible. Thoughts again about getting a cat; still not confident in my ability to take care of another living creature. The succulents are barely alive.

Have enough energy to take the car to the car wash to get cleaned. Had to stop off the side of the road to dump everything in the seats into the trunk. Love how we have to clean things before we let strangers do it for us. Human nature is weird. I should go across the street and start looking at cars since the clock is ticking on the lease on the Civic. Definitely going to buy this time but can i afford new or will I have to settle for used. Maybe try for a Hyundai or Kia again. I don’t know, all the cars seem boring.

Hmmm. I should stay out of the house but I feel my energy draining. If I go home, can I keep the momentum and clean the apartment. Or will I succumb to the safety and comfort of the couch and computer.

Dragged myself out of bed two hours later and made it to Black Bear Diner for breakfast. Should go grocery shopping afterwards, but not feeling it. Might just go back home. Or maybe get my car washed. Yeah, probably just go back home.

Couple of articles popped up about having a purpose in life, which would be nice to have. But the cynic in me wonders if that would just be another distraction from me exploring/dealing with the “real” problems of my life. Or is that distracting me from the distraction? I could use an “inception” to plant a suggestion in my head to fix things. If only I could have someone sneak into my subconscious and fix my brain. I guess there is always hypnotherapy.

Stepped back from planning to go away for the shutdown; at least out of state. Why travel 10-14 hours to stay at a cabin/tiny house in the woods when I can isolate at home. Thinking I might go somewhere more local; maybe somewhere on the coast. Harbin Hot Springs? Spa in Napa/Calistoga?

What else? **sigh** really nothing else. Should look into Giants tickets like I told Barry. Toying with going to a hockey game; either with the guys or by myself.

Was it worth it? Probably not. But now I suppose I can move on. One less thing to slit my wrists over (metaphorically).

In the middle of sleep and awake, I think of you and miss you, continuing to wonder what I did or what you saw or didn’t see in me. Instead of looking to the future or existing in the present, I continue to play with the blocks of the past, combining and replacing memories and delusions, to try to find the answers I feel I need. Why can’t I accept that no answer is an answer, and I don’t deserve anything else. Deserve is not the right word, but no means no, yes can mean maybe, and silence means whatever your fragile brain can come up with. But nature abhors a void, so my mind fills it with whatever thoughts that lay within. The best I can do is close my eyes and imagine your body next to mine, holding my as you sleep, and the peace and calm that comes with that though and memory

• Lost earbud for headphones
• Pen won’t work even though there is ink
• Foster Freezer was a bust; should have went to Nations instead.
• Foot still hurts from yesterday. I have no idea what I did to it. Assuming that I burned it on the balcony or got stung/stepped on something.

Still, I did clean the bathroom finally. And I put the lights on the bed. Hoping that the float in an hour will fix my foot and relax me a bit. I guess I still have the ability to dream.

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Bullshit. The birds in my apartment complex are chirping their asses off at 3am in the morning waking everyone up. The worse though were the flamingos at Safari West when I spent the night; they were long and ugly sounding.