In the middle of sleep and awake, I think of you and miss you, continuing to wonder what I did or what you saw or didn’t see in me. Instead of looking to the future or existing in the present, I continue to play with the blocks of the past, combining and replacing memories and delusions, to try to find the answers I feel I need. Why can’t I accept that no answer is an answer, and I don’t deserve anything else. Deserve is not the right word, but no means no, yes can mean maybe, and silence means whatever your fragile brain can come up with. But nature abhors a void, so my mind fills it with whatever thoughts that lay within. The best I can do is close my eyes and imagine your body next to mine, holding my as you sleep, and the peace and calm that comes with that though and memory
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