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Posted on May 10, 2026 | Leave a comment

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my brain and heart divorced by John Roedel

Posted on April 29, 2026 | Leave a comment

via Channing Tatum apparently

my brain and
heart divorced

a decade ago

over who was

to blame about
how big of a mess
I have become

eventually,

they couldn’t be
in the same room
with each other

now my head and heart
share custody of me

stay with my brain
during the week

and my heart
gets me on weekends
they never speak to one another

– instead, they give me
the same note to pass
to each other every week

and their notes they
send to one another always
says the same thing:

“This is all your fault’

on Sundays

my heart complains
about how my

head has let me down
in the past

and on Wednesday
my head lists all
of the times my
heart has screwed
things up for me
in the future

they blame each
other for the

state of my life

there’s been a lot
of yelling – and crying

SO,
lately, I’ve been
spending a lot of

time with my gut

who serves as my
unofficial therapist

most nights, sneak out of the
window in my ribcage

and slide down my spine
and collapse on my

gut’s plush leather chair
that’s always open for me

~ and just sit sit sit sit
until the sun comes up

last evening,

my gut asked me

if was having a hard
time being caught
between my heart
and my head

nodded

said didn’t know
if could live with
either of them anymore
“my heart is always sad about

something that happened yesterday

while my head is always worried

about something that may happen tomorrow,
lamented

my gut squeezed my hand

‘just can’t live with

my mistakes of the past

or my anxiety about the future,’
sighed

my gut smiled and said:
‘in that case,

you should

go stay with your

lungs for a while,’

was confused
– the look on my face gave it away

“if you are exhausted about

your heart’s obsession with

the fixed past and your mind’s focus
on the uncertain future

your lungs are the perfect place for you

there is no yesterday in your lungs
there is no tomorrow there either

there is only now

there is only inhale

there is only exhale

there is only this moment

there is only breath
and in that breath

you can rest while your
heart and head work
their relationship out.’

this morning,
while my brain
was busy reading
tea leaves

and while my
heart was staring
at old photographs

packed a little
bag and walked
to the door of
my lungs

before could even knock
she opened the door

with a smile and as

a gust of air embraced me
she said
“what took you so long?’

by John Roedel

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In the darkest light..

Posted on April 15, 2026 | Leave a comment

It’s been just about a year since I detached my retina and had to get emergency eye surgery. Still in awe on how the surgery was an out patient surgery and I didn’t have to stay in a hospital. Still remember the colors and the floaters in my eye as my eye was repaired. The weeks of lying and sleeping on my stomach Binge listening Severance while trying to picture the show in my mind as it was being described to me.

Most importantly, I thought that this was the shock that my body and mind needed to get out of the depression spiral that I been in. I thought that I had finally broke free of the thoughts that kept me isolated and alone. I could become the person that I was before; the person that my friends knew and loved.

Was I like Icarus and flew too close to the sun? Going to see my mom after a six year estrangement, I thought I had prepared myself for any situation and had the right numbers and names for support. But if I learned anything in that weeks stay with mom was even more ways to hate myself and to be alone.

I was shaken, but I thought that I could still survive; I still had therapy help keep me afloat. Until they told me that there was nothing more that they could for me after 20 years.

And it quickly went down hill from there. Aunt Jackie death, the bills, the work layoffs. the world itself. But I think the one true event was the return of gift for a new baby. I think that’s when I realize how not worth saving that I am. How foul, putrid, and poisoned that I am. And if I didn’t have the strength to end my life, the best thing to do is to quarantine myself from the world that I know.

I have this weighted blanket that I sleep with at night. When I first got it, it was a substitute for having someone close to me at night to fight off the loneliness. Now I use it to cover my head to ensure that there is darkness all around me and no light will reach me. The question is; was it worth it to fix my eye if I’m hiding from seeing the light? Would it have been better to just be in eternal darkness, at least in one eye?