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I read this article on the Sherrif’s department and how understaffed they are. And I don’t know, something clicked in my head with the article and thinking about Teresa. Like I knew that the Sherrif department was understaffed and Teresa works alit of overtime. But I don’t think I really put it all together under I read this article (it was at 4m in the morning and of course I didn’t save it).

This is an answer that I can accept composited to the other scenarios that I’ve envisioned in my head over the last few years to try to explain what happened and why we don’t talk anymore.

I mean, one of those scenarios could actually be the correct reason of what happened. But with this theory from the article, I feel a peace; like the voices aren’t obsessing and trying to analyze what happened. I guess I’m ready to move on. Not to goto a bar or sign up on a dating site. But to leave the what could have been and the what should have been behind.

Still, it doesn’t erase the fact that I miss my friend.

One technique is to write down all of the things you accomplished before you go to sleep, so you don’t obsess over them while trying to go to sleep.

• Took a shower
• Left the house and went out for breakfast
• Walked a mile+ around downtown San Rafael
• Found commercial TV and wall mount for work
• Bought socks
• Didn’t go out to eat
• Didn’t have cereal dessert
• Cleaned dinning table
• Put clean dishes away
• Took out the trash
• Found the leak under the sink

So now I only have to obsess over.

• Clean clothes in room still not put away
• Dirty laundry in car that I didn’t do today
• Apartment that still hasn’t been clean
• All the money I spent today on various website with questionable purchases I may or may not need
• Need to find a new car
• Being alone
• Going back to work tomorrow and all that awaits me
• My depression
• My silent obsession over people that aren’t interested in me.
• Getting old
• My underfunded retirement
• The Novato Leadership Program video that I still need to make
• My health

…and whatever else my mind decides to focus on, in the past or made-up future, to keep me awake.

Even waking up early and eating breakfast I’m still end up running late 😵‍💫

Will I be able to see this on livejournal too?

what about images?

Sometimes (maybe a lot of times) it’s just easier to stay in bed and starve than to go out to get breakfast and eat alone.