Monthly Archives: December 2004

I just made the biggest decision in my entire life. And it hurts so much. Tears are running down my face and my heart just aches. I am fighting a battle with myself, telling myself not to do this. I shouldn’t do it. I don’t want to do it. But I am going to do it.
Goodbye Suzanne…

I really don’t think that my resolutions are changed from last year. Loose weight, goto a wrestling show, etc. etc. I think the biggest difference is that learning to love myself is going to be #1. Along with this is continuing to take control of my depression; going to therapy and taking my pills. To be honest, nothing has worked so far. O.k., that’s not entirely true. I am just back to the state I was before I started crashing back in Dec of last year.
It is a scary thing to be able to see youself fall apart or having a manic episode. It’s a feeling of helplessness and powerlessness. I’m suppose to think positivily about this and the most positive thing that I can say is that I didn’t go through with any of the suicidal thoughts that I’ve had this year or harm myself physically. The drugs and individual therapy did help a bit. The group therapy was a waste of time, however. But like I said, nothing has really changed. I still feel that this is something that I have to deal with myself. I realize that I have the love and support of my friends, and I am truly thankful for that. However, I cannot count on there support. They have their own issues and problems to deal with. They have families, morgages, and other things that are more important than to babysit and emotional basket case. I wish that I had someone who could give me the support that I need. I wish that I could find the answers that I am looking for. Or even the questions. However, the psychaitrist don’t have the answer, my family doesn’t have them, my friends doesn’t have them, God doesn’t have them. Doesn’t have them, or is it that I can’t see the answer or understand the answer given to me.

I have to admit that I kinda love my brother’s laptop. Just lounging on the bed, surfing away while he plays Need For Speed Underground 2 with the steering wheel that I got for him for Christmas. I think he likes it.
Caught up on a number of movies. Blade 3: Trinity wasn’t bad. Ryan Reynolds was funny has the smart-ass vampire hunter. Triple H disappointed, and Parker Posey was…wierd. I always forget that the theather in Port Orchard doesn’t have cup holders or stadium seating. Also rented Napoleon Dynamite, Hero, and the Chronicles of Riddick. Hero was a beautifully filmed film, although the story was kinda blah to me. Napoleon Dynamite had it’s funny moments, but I didn’t think it was really good at all. Riddick was about was I was expecting from Vin Diesel. I thought that the movie was a prequel of Pitch Black, but it’s actually a sequel.
Also watched The Incredibles and Von Helsing on my brother’s laptop. I liked both of them and wished that I had watched them in the theather. Also spent time watching Korean soap operas with mom and sports with dad. And spend the week cooking and cleaning with mom. Spend hours yesterday cooking tons of food, learning cooking secrets and stuff.
It’s amazing at how many unsecured wireless connections that my brother has to choose from. It’s almost scary.
made the mistake of calling work. Oy Vey. Even after I told the freight company that the warehouse would be closed until the 3rd, they still tried to deliver something. And also the alarm went off, but all the people on the alarm phone list were out of town. The police didn’t call back the alarm dispatcher, so I’m hoping that it was just paper that set off the alarm. And with all of the rain that has hit the Bay Area, I’m sure that there are leaks in the warehouse.
Spending New Years Eve with the couples. I think that I might be the only singleton at this event. I guess it depends if Kathy & Amber have dates or not. **sigh** To add insult to injury, BT is performing at the NYE rave that Eric is going to. Arrgh. I will never be able to see BT spin a set live; I’m just cursed that way. It will be good to see everyone again and to hand out presents to the kids.
This was a good vacation for me spiritually, I guess. A nice family bonding vacation and all. But I still don’t feel ready to go back to work on Monday. Tons of recieving and 2 interviews when I get back. And I really need to start thinking about the S/R manager position. I am going to take the position, but the amount that they give me will determine how long I’ll stay. Actually, I think regardless, I’ll still go and look to see what other jobs I can get. I was suppose to have worked on my resume, but I never got around to it.
I made my donation to the tsumani relief fund. *sigh* I hope Irene is alright. Nobody has called me, so I’m assuming that she is alright. I’ll stop by Amber’s when I get back and see if she has heard from her.

First off, I want to thank Tim & Renee, Angie, Joy, Amber & Rob, Dan & Jen, and Barbara for the presents. Just for the record, the Wham! Greatest Hits album is so 80’s that it hurts.
Christmas in Washington has been a quiet enjoyment so far. Eventually escaped from work and got to the airport with no problem. An hour delay for my flight, so I didn’t arrive in SeaTac until almost 8pm. The family is doing fine, and while I’m worried about things with the family, I’m not going to obsess over them. The family can take care of itself.
I got my parents gift cards to Macy*s, since they never want anything. For my brother, I got him a steering wheel for his computer. I also got him a long coat, except that I liked it so much, that I was going to keep it. He had the exact same idea, so basicly we just bought each other the same gift. For dinner, I was too late to stop my dad from buying a Turkey Dinner from Safeway. I swear, next year, we are going out for dinner or it will be all Korean or something. I HATE cooking turkey. Still the dinner turned out well.
What else? Rearranged my brother’s room and cleaned it up for him. I know, real fun. But it was for me. Also fixed his computer and laptop; increased the strength of the wireless connection that he is stealing from the neighbors and networked the laptop to the desktop that he has. We also went to the movies to see Blade 3; not too bad of a movie.
Have spent the rest of the time reading. I’ve really got in the Recieving Love book that I checked out. I wish that I could have read this book while I was going out with Suzanne. There are things that both Suzanne and I did that they have touched on in this book.

Let’s take a look on how I did with the New Years Resolutions I made for this year…

Continue reading →

I started buying parts for my new computer in February and put it together in March. I guess it’s about time that I made a post about it. Without further ado…
**warning** Geeky long-winded computer stuff ahead…but there are pictures

Continue reading →

O.K. Email is now fixed it seems. Just the usual level of spam now. I left the catch all open so you can make up you own names to send me mail, but I’not sure how long that is going to last. Depends on how much spam I start getting. Anyway, if you tried mailing me within the last 2-3 weeks, you might want to resend it.

Either drink good coffee or don’t drink coffee at all. Don’t try to wean yourself off by drinking cheap gas station coffee. 😛

Can’t sleep and waiting for my sleeping pill to kick in.
Watching Barbarella on TV, but have no estacy or raver girl to enjoy it fully.
Although, Nicole Kidman would be perfect for a remake.

I wanted you to know
I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph;
I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
Because I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
You’ve gone away
You don’t feel me here, anymore
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn,
and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
You’ve gone away
You don’t feel me here, anymore