Went to Napa, Sonoma, San Francisco, Clearlake, Davis, Vacaville, Sea Ranch. Drove around so much, even with being sick for two of those days. Went to a winery, the De Young museum, a lake, touched grass, got sun.
You’d think I would have something to say about all or any of it. But I don’t. I don’t think bored is the correct word but that’s what I’m going to use. No excitement, no spark, no inspiration, nothing but the continued fear, anger, hate, and self loathing for a week. Ok, the float was a temporary lull in the storm. And shitting for a day was a different…distraction. But looking at the exhibits at the museum. Or watching the waves wash on to the shore of a beach. Being in a forest of redwoods. Walking among college kids. Revisiting places of my youth. Pretending to be a tourist. Nothing. No positive results or feedback. Not even neutral feedback. Just negative about what is around me, negative about the people around me, and negativity about myself in these places and around these people.
Does this prove that I’ve made the right decision to withdraw? That the people that ghosted me were correct in their actions? That the quicker I can get to the end the better. Probably not. But I think I can say that I tried, at least.
From AI: A wasted life is often defined as one where potential, joy, or meaningful experiences are neglected, but recognizing the signs and taking action can help reclaim purpose.
I did have the observation that I wish I could have got a motorcycle when Dan did (or with Eric/Cynthia or with Suzanne and her mom). I think it would have made all of my aimless road trips better and easier. Taking winding mountain and back roads isn’t as fun driving a Hyundai Tucson. At least in the Mitsubishi Lancer I could pretend I was in Initial D.
