Monthly Archives: October 2004

No wierd dreams last night. Or rather, I did have another dream last night. However, my roommate Mark woke me up by going out to the shed this morning. So I forgot what I dreamed about, but for some reason, I think that a monkey played some role in it.
I do have a craving for a banana/brownie shake from Cold Stone…

SO I’ve been taking Paxil for a couple of weeks now, and I don’t notice any change to my mood. In fact, I feel like I’m sinking back to the point that I was at before I started going to theorpy. I’ve stop taking my walks around the neighborhood, my room is a complete mess, I’m back to passing out and crying after work and then staying up late at night. At least the skin peeling seemed to have stopped. Also, the only other effect are the dreams that I’m having. The thing is that I’ll have to stay on Paxil until at least until Dec-Jan before I can switch to something else (Zoloft, Celexa, or something else).
One thought that I had is if I am locked up in a prison of my mind, do I get visitation days. What about parole for good behavior. I’ve already been gang-raped by my emotions. Or maybe I’m in solitary confinment and my only contact with the outside world is when the little door slides open and the guard shoves my bread and water into my cell.

In this dream, I was a 3-5 grade teacher for a private school in Pacifica. There were three episodes of this sitcom that I was in. The students were all smart any bright in all different subjects. Totally typical school sitcom scenario with a child from all different races who were esp. smart in different subjects and then there is me, the new young teacher here to learn a lesson from the kids and to teach them lessons in life. Of course, with this being a dream, one scene was of me running late for class (I was always late for the begining of school) and I was speeding down Hwy 1 to Pacifica on a motorcycle, but it wasn’t a motorcycle. It was more like the light cycles in Tron, but I was only using one hand. It was really wierd. Anyway the school was located next to the closed movie theather is at in the Manor district of Pacifica. I remember that the principal really didn’t like me and was always trying to get me fired, but the one of the kids would always end up saving me. The last episode I remember because there was this mixy girl who liked computers. I guess some boys told her that girls were no good at video games and I told her that the boys didn’t know what they were talking about and that she would grow up to be the best programmer and video game player the world has ever known. I also remember that there was another teacher or student helper there. I think it was a teacher, she was latino with long hair braided into one braid and I think that she was suppose to be the love interest. I vaguely remember her being cute and she overheard what I said to the girl and gave me a smile and was coming over to talk to me. Then I woke up. The only other thing that I remember in the dream was that there were some apartments that I wanted to look at; 2 bedroom 2 bath for $1085.

I was walking towards a house in a nice looking neighborhood, more of an midwest or east coast suburb than a west coast one. The house was two stories and yellow with white trim. There was another couple that pulled up and walking towards the same house has I was. It was an asian girl and her white boyfriend. They were talking, but I don’t remember what they were saying. In the second floor of the house there was a window, and we could see three people in the room, sitting and laying on the bed. One was Dan R., the other was Lesa W. I don’t remember who the third person was though. The couple next to me started to wave at them and there was also a black/white cat in the window, that was kinda big. Anyway, the couple walked towards the house and I kinda veered around it and went to the house next door. Inside the house, my Aunt Jackie and my niece Denise were at the table talking. I joined them and Aunt Jackie was trying to tell me something important when there was a knock at the door, it was Lesa. I gave a big hug and told her I was with my aunt and niece, but I wanted to talk to her later and that I had alot of apoligizing to do. She was O.K. with that, but wasn’t sure if she could meet that night because her and Kurt were going out to celebrate his new promotion. I wasn’t sure if they were going out by themselves or were meeting the gang and celebrating and didn’t want me there. I don’t think that was the vibe that she was giving off, but I think that is what I was thinking. That really all that I remember about the dream, except that the couple walking next to me might have been Jesse and April. Like I have a sense that they were in the dream, but I don’t remember for sure.

I was laying down on my bed, listening to music on my computer. The songs were making me more and more sad and with the last two songs, Come Away With Me by Norah Jones & I Know by Fiona Apple, I started crying. I was sobbing and choking with tears. My body was aching with the pain and sadness that I was feeling. All of the pain and sadness of the past seem to be rushing back to my body and mind in one shot.
Then I woke up and my body ached from head to toe. My faces was streaked with wetness. And I wondered if it was a dream or was I really crying that hard.

Too zoned out to really think of a creative or uncreative title for this entry.
I’m at work, waiting for the painter’s to finish working on the displays. They were a couple of hours late. Hours that I could have stayed in bed. Anyway, I have finished the work that I need to do this weekend, and have spent the last hour aimlessly surfing the net. Next weekend, I am bringing a game to install and play on the computer. I guess I could goto Popcap.com and keep myself entertained.
I wish that I had more to write, and I can feel that there is stuff that I need to get out in the open, but all I can think of is stupid suicide jokes (Randy Razor says, “Remember Kids, cut down the block; not across the street). Maybe later, I’ll post something more meaning full. Maybe not.

To smart to kill myself
To dumb to live a life
To proud to ask for help
To pitiful to help myself

So I wake up and realize that I am late for work at Baskin Robbins. So I put on my blue and whites (Baskin Robbins uniform for guys; blue pants, white shirts. The girls had to wear pink shirts.) And ran off to work. I enter the store just has they were opening and there were 5 trainees there already practicing their scoops. I greeted them and went into the back to clock in and there was Leane. I was surprised, since I haven’t seen Leane in ages. I give her a hug and ask her about her kids. She shows me one picture of one of her sons and he is a teenager with peppered hair. And then Leane tells me that she has cancer in her uterus and isn’t sure if she will be able to deliver her daughter. I tell her that it will be o.k. and confort her. Then she ask me what am I doing at the store. I tell her I am here to work, and don’t understand how Craig (her husband) got me to work this early. She tells me that I don’t work at Baskin Robbins. I misunderstand her and think that maybe I don’t work at this store, but she tells me that I don’t work at any of their stores. So I give her a hug goodbye and start walking away, wondering where I am suppose to be working at. I pass another Baskin Robbins with some hot women in it. They were like porn stars in Baskin Robbins outfits, but I didn’t go in because according to the sign, the store didn’t open until 3:45pm. So I’m walking out of this shopping center and Jeff Foxworthy is doing his show in the parking lot to a small crowd. And I think, “God, what happened to this guy. Can’t even fill up a parking lot.” And I start to think about what job that I am late for. Then I wake up and realize that once again I am late for work.
And then all hell broke loose…
In the matter of 5min, I lost my cell phone, threw away a gallon of milk that might/might not have been spoiled, forgot lunch, stepped on the cat’s tail, lost and found my keys, and almost locked myself out of my room and the house.
Isn’t today Friday, and not Monday?