Monthly Archives: July 2004

I am not sure if I am happy with Dr. Grace. She won’t sign me off for electric shock theropy. She says that I only have moderate depression, and not major depression. And she tells me basicly the same stuff that I have read myself in books on depression and self help. Maybe it’s becaue I’m only making a co-pay for this advice and am not paying full price. I’m sure that at $250 I would be getting quicker results, or that I would be working harder for results.
I really think that electric shock theropy would really benefit me…
I still have 2 weeks before the prozac is suppose to kick in. Well, it has kicked in already, has what small sexual appetite I had has complete disappeared now. That should be enough to keep me depressed. I don’t have an appointment with Dr……Brickner(?) until after I get back from vacation. Maybe she’ll up my doasage or put me on something else.
So my homework assignment for the next two weeks is to see if I can still get into the Park Merced gym and to walk around the neighborhood, esp. while I’m on vacation.
I wish that I could be Uncle Joey, and just with my friend, his kids, and his step borther in their huge San Francisco Victorian house.
On second thought, if that means that I am going to date a 14-15 year old singer who is going to write a breakup song about me, then maybe not…..

Kind of a side note for the homework assignment, but The Daily Show and The Chappelle Show makes me happy.

Just got off the phone with Genetech doing a background check on Tim. God, I am going to be in deep shit when he leaves. Me and Mark work well together most of the time, but it is Tim that holds things together between us. I do hope he gets this job though; he really deserves it.

What Makes Me Happy?
Apple Sauce – A couple of weeks ago, I went with Tim and Renee to Costco to pick up some groceries. One of the things that I picked up was some apple sauce; the little containers that you pack in lunches. Maybe it was because it’s been a long time since I’ve had apple sauce, or maybe the apple sauce woke up some childhood memory. But eating that apple sauce gave me a temporary moment of happiness. I continied to buy apple sauce for a few more times, but it has lost the charm that had on me before.
alcohol – Getting drunk makes me happy, if only for a short time. Of course, there is the eventual crash and the hangover period. But for awhile, while I’m drunk, I’m happy.
hot baths – I love spending hours in a hot, slightly scalding bath, just sitting in the hot water, letting all of the tension just soak out of my body. I would have a glass of something ice cold at my side, just to have something that contrasted to the heat. When I was in the dorms, I remember one time that I took a two hour shower/bath. I just sat in the tub in the dark and let the water just pour over me. Pretty odd for someone who hates/can’t swim. Taking baths was easier to do when I was living in the dorms and when I was living in Park Merced (didn’t have to pay for water). Maybe if this was a 2 bath household instead of a one bath, I would take a bath here. However, I have to share a bathroom with two other people and pay my part of the water bill, so not bath for me.
cats – I like cats and most cats like me. Even the ones that don’t like people will usually tolerate me and let me pet them once. Laying in bed reading a book, and having a cat come up and curl up next to me makes me happy and content.

There is a song in my head, that I think that Don Hendly sung. Something about, “…forgiveness, even if, even if, you don’t love me anymore…”
And that is the rub. Will I ever be forgiven for the sins that I have committed, commit now, and will commit in the future? Will I ever be forgiven for what I have done to my friends, my family, to myself, to God, and to Suzanne?
Death would be easy, but I have to pay for my sins, even if I don’t know what they are…

I just HATE the fact that I am taking prozac. I really do. It is the absolutely last thing I do before I leave my room in the morning. So that means on the weekend I don’t pop the pill until 11am-12pm. I mean, I’ll get a pill out and just look at it and play with it for minutes before I resign myself and pop the damn thing. The stupid thing is that it isn’t even doing anything to me, granted I still have two weeks before I start feeling better. Maybe I need to up my dosage? The scary thing is that my roommate, Mark, is also taking prozac, but he is taking 4 pills a day. God, am I going to have to take that much? Wouldn’t it have been easier just to loboimize me?

Had a dream that I was wearing a blue loin cloth. It was like this blue cloth that went around my waist and then the front just went over the front of my body. If you remember what chun-li was wearing in Street Fighter II, it was something like that. I remember that I was looking for a jock strap or some thong underwear to keep my dick from poking out from the cloth.
At least I was pretty buff in the dream….

why would I want to cut myself? Would cutting and slashing my skin really release some of the pain that I have in my body? Luckily for me, my room is a total mess and I have no idea of where my keys are at (I have a knife thingie on the keychain). I haven’t seen my cell phone either for that matter, although I think that I stepped on it last night trying to get out of my room to go pee. I wonder if it is O.K.?

See the problem with the last part of my homework assignment is that I forgot if Dr. Grace wanted me to make a list of what makes me happy or what would make me happy; two different things. With the former question, that would imply that there is something that makes me happy now. If that was the case, I would be doing/taking it instead of seeing a psycologist. Now if the question is what would make me happy, then I guess I could list a shitload of things, but would they really make me happy? I mean I’m sure that winning the lottery would put a smile on my face, but would I truly be happy, or would that just mask and hide the problem?

So the second part of the assignment was to make sure that I went to this benefit auction. Back story is that Tim’s sister, Cindy, has cancer that she has been fighting for a couple of years now. And she is winning the battle; I mean she looks great. Anyway, the evil bastard insurance company won’t pay for the operation that she needs, so fundraiser time.
So the auction was held in the Kohl Mansion, located at Mercy High School. You could practically smell the “wet, pented up, sexual energy underneah the plaid skirts of the catholic school girls” (Mercy is a private all-girls catholic school). Anyway, no school girls in site, but the Kohl Mansion is a beautiful building; lots of weddings and receptions held here.
So I found Mark and we found Tim and Renee, who hooked us up with drink tickets and we were set. There were alot of stuff set up for auction, unfortunately I didn’t have any money to bid on anything (my spare flow went to plane & parking tickets.) So I’m walking around looking at the stuff up for auction, when I see it. Someone is auctioning off a Dave Matthews Platium Album for his single album, and an autographed picture. Of course I start thinking of Suzanne and the roller coaster that are my emotions begin. I did not bid on it, not because I didn’t have any money, but because I wouldn’t known what to do with the things. I guess I could have amonously mailed them to Suzanne, but that would border on stalking, I think. Otherwise they would just go into the garage with her drawings that I can’t hang up. I think I took a picture of it and sent it to my moblog at textamerica.
So being the smart guy that I am, I decide that drinking more alcohol will be able to get me through the night. Bad mistake. That warning label that says that prozac and alcohol doesn’t mix; they really mean it. I was buzzing after just two drink and drunk after the third. That is not a good thing at all. I will def. have to remember to watch myself when I go out to drink.
Anyway, emotions rollercoastered from the highs to lows pretty quickly. I found a secluded place to go and cry for no reason. Then later, I got a phone call that set me off again. I tried to leave a couple of times, but someone always saw me and I got sucked back in. Eventually, I was able to leave and to drive drunk home to pass out.