Monthly Archives: November 2002

Not a bad Tuesday to go with the nice Monday. Bought the guys lunch to pay back them buying me lunch on and off for the last month or so. Cheese steaks….mmmmmmmm.
Did not have a good night’s sleep last night. It could be cause my bed wasn’t made and I slept on something. It could be cause of the earlier time that I tried to goto sleep. Or it could have been the work out. Regardless, it was a very bumpy night in bed for me. Hopefully tonight I will sleep easier.
This is the second night that I have not looked at live journal or even April’s journal. Think that it is easier this time cause I am on Blurty. Even though Blurty sucks cause of all of the stupid fake celebrity journals. **sigh** Anyway….I think that this is a good thing. I can be free with my thoughts than I have been in a while. I know it is just a matter of time before somebody finds this journal. But still, I have time.
I have a dream in the midst of all the tossing and turning. I dreamt that I showed up for Tess’s wedding cause Suzanne is the maid of honor and she was going alone. So I had to basically beg Tess and Suzanne that I would be good and not ruin anything. So I sat though the wedding and afterwards, Suzanne and I were dancing and talking about the ceremony and I said something to the effect that I wanted to marry her. So we went off to a garden and I just got everything all off of my chest. I told her how much I loved her and that I wanted us to try again with our relationship. I told her how I didn’t have much and I realize how I needed to pick a direction to go with my life and that I wanted her to be there with me and that if I had a ring, I would propose to her right now, but I didn’t, all I had was my undying love for her. She said that she would think about it and we kissed. Then I left.
**sigh** Tess and Suzanne would probably KILL me if I just popped up at Tess’s wedding, so that is def. out of the question. Anyway, talked to Lesa and she gave me the usual move on, other fish in the sea. And I’m sure Angie is worried about me, that’s why she’s taking me out to see Harry Potter to get me out of the house. And maybe I’m in a “getting over the girlfriend” phase. but I don’t want to get over her.
There is this game that I used to play called Samurai Shodow 3. There was this character called Basara that was some tortured soul who came back to life to get revenge on the person that killed him and his girlfriend. Anyway, after you won a match with him (it was a fighting game, like Street Fighter) the ghost of his girlfriend would float around him. He would reach out to try to touch her, but she would disappear and he would throw his head back and scream. That’s how I feel, like her ghost is all around me and when I reach out, she disappears….
Current mood: sad
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Don’t want to aimlessly wander the Internet…
Don’t want to argue with myself over if I should take a peek at her site…
Think that I’m just going to sleep and dream of better times…
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I guess I should be thankful that she wasn’t cheating on me, like April was. Granted, our relationship was in it’s anticlamatic finish even has it begun. I don’t know if I could be friends with Suzanne if she did that. With April, it took years before I reconsile the hurt in my heart. And it took even longer before we could be friends again. We are not the close friends that we used to be, but I am happy where out friendship is at. My friends have never understood how I could be friends with her. Sometimes I wonder that myself. All I can say is that our friendship was always stronger than our relationship. With Suzanne, however, I opened up and changed myself for her. I guess that why I lost it and withdrew into my room this weekend, cause it hurts to know that she has moved on already. After all we’ve been through, I’m just that guy she dated who lived in San Francisco.
**sigh** I can hear my friends in my mind that I shouldn’t dwell on it and that I should move on. I should find something to take my mind off so that Mike won’t ask me why does it look like I’m crying.
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Still thinking about this weekend and her. The Book of the Angelica is what I call her written diary that she wrote about me during a previous breakup. The plan was to start the Book of the Diabloique, a response to what she wrote. I wanted to write about all of her faults and mistakes; about how it was her that was an hypocrite and who gave up on our relationship. But I couldn’t cause it doesn’t matter what I write, I still love her. I want her to come back and I want us back together so bad. I’m sure all of my friends and family would tell me that I’m making a mistake, but fuck them. I love her; there is no one I have loved so much. There is no one that I have given all of myself to like this. And now that she is one, I don’t know what I have left. I am still alive, so their has to be something that I am living for; I don’t know what though.
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Working and listening to the afternoon talk shows. Judge hatchet was hilarious and Ricki Lake is funny; talking about adult bullies.
Decided to splurge and spent some of my money for lunch for Mike and I. The Chicken Nuggets looked way bigger on the web site than in person. I guess that’s what ou get for .99; still the shake was good.
Plans for tonight is to hit the gym and work out while watchng the game. Plan on a long workout to make up for this weekend.
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Busily working at work.
A moment of contentment
An odd feeling for a Monday.
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Don’t know what it is about today. Maybe it’s cause the sun is out after the rain that we had, or maybe it’s cause I’m wearing my sunglasses. No sure what it is, but people are just looking beautiful today. I mean just absolutely gorgeous today.
And then driving to work, I swear I saw somebody walking a wolf. I know that I’m not a dog expert, but I swear it was a wolf. Wish that I had brought my camera.
Things would be perfect if the time was right on this update. I wish that you could set the time zone when you update from the web.
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So I semi cleaning up my room and I totally forgot about the presents that I got from Brock. Babysitting Brock was pretty cake. We went to Hollywood Video and got some game for his PS2. We played those, wrestled around, had some dinner and desert, and watched Harry Potter. Anyway, he gave me these and when I saw them just a minute ago, they just made me happy and cheered me up. I wish I had found them earlier.



Current mood: peaceful
Current music: Dance Music from MixedinDetroit.com

Went ahead and exported all of my journal entries from Live Journal. I wish that there was a way to import them into Blurty. If I really get desperate, I guess I can cut/paste them in one at a time. That would take a LONG ASS time though, and I hope someone would put me out of my misery before then.
Anyway, it was good to go read through some of the entries. And looking back, things aren’t that bad or that different from the last couple of years. That is mostly a good thing. Anyway, I think that I am going to eat something and maybe watch a little TV or something.
Current mood: grateful
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