Monthly Archives: June 2002

So after laundry, I headed over the San Mateo bridge. Has I was ascending the bridge, I had a suicidal thought. I wondered if I would find happiness by jumping off the bridge or would there be regret. Probably regret.
Anyway, I did some window shopping @ Target and CompUSA. I got a wireless game pad so that I can play GTA3and I got this book on the history of Video and Computer Games (but I think that I am going to return it cause it is so much cheaper on Amazon.)
I was going to get the wireless keyboard, but I saw this guy getting one and his gut was just hanging over, big time. I just had to stop myself after that. And if I ever get like that, I hope my friends have the mercy and decency to shoot me out of my misery.
Called dad, but he’s out with my brother. Mom told me that my brother got fired from his job for drinking milk while on duty. Not sure if it was cause he didn’t pay for it or what. He was going to leave the job anyway, so no big deal. But I have a suspicion that they wanted to fire him so that he couldn’t collect unemployment. I’ll have to talk to him about it later.
Current mood:
Current music: The Verve – Catching The Butterfly

So I spent the next hour washing my blankets and reading my books, trying to take my mind off of things. Pay It Forward was a tear-jerker at the end. I should have saw the twist coming, but I didn’t. And of course, the tears were running down has I finished the book. **sigh** What a sucker I am. The only problem with the book that I had was that the character that Kevin Space played in the movie was suppose to be a black guy with an eye missing. It made the reading kinda confusing, cause I had this image of Kevin Space in my head.
Tales of the City was pretty good also. The only thing that bothered me in this book was the shortness of the chapters. But I guess the book originally was a newspaper series. But the story was really good and it was cool reading about S. F. from the 70’s with the whole sex scene (the bath houses and stuff). Will def. have to get the next book in the series.
Unfortunately, Mona In The Promise Land by Gish Jen, is something that I can’t get into. The writing style is just too confusing and it gives me a headache trying to understand where the story is going. I think that I will return it and try reading it again in a few weeks.
Current mood:
Current music: Madonna – This Used To Be My Playground

Went to Ikea to search for chairs for the dinning room table. Found some that I liked (they were $39 not $49), but they were all sold out. It was depressing being at Ikea by myself, with all of these families and couple around.
So I left and debated whether to go home or go to Stone Cold Creamery in Concord. Traffic was backed up on the bridge, so I decided to find a laundrymat in Berkeley. However, today was the Juneteenth, so traffic was crazy. So I headed into Oakland.
Has I’m drivign through Oakland, I realize why I don’t like it. It is so empty in downtown Oakland. And I felt so unsafe driving through the town. Call me a racist or whatever, but I could not stand to live there. The only place that I felt safe and secure was in Chinatown (yes, Oakland has a Chinatown. It also has a Koreatown, but I guess every town has a disrict or area where a specific ethnic gorup lives at.)
Anyway, I was feeling like crap and I wanted to get home, so I started driving down to the San Mateo Bridge however something made me pull off at Marina Blvd in San Leandro. San Leandro is where I first lived after returning to the States from Korea in 1989. So I drove around town and eventually drove pass my old neighborhood and my old house. The house looked good, and it actually looked empty. I wondered if it was for sale or rent and for how much. I drove around, letting the ghosts of memories pass brush against me.I spent about an hour driving around town, pass the houses of old friends and crushes, Pass the school and the after school hang outs, seeking out a particular memory. But in the end, I could not find a single happy rememberance to capture and to embrace. Perhaps there were some happy memories in my old home town. But the ones that stood out the most were the ones of me, walking alone down the streets of this town, or walking for hours along the coast alone with my thoughts. I wonder if I could find those happy thoughts thousands of miles away in Daegu, Korea. I would like to believe so, but I seriously doubt it.
Current mood: accomplished
Current music: BT – Love, Peace and Grease

Why does it seem like all that I do is laundry and clean my room?
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I also went to Fry’s yesterday to ask about Dance Dance Revolution for the PC. Apparently, the company that made the game forgot to put in DirectX into the game and they had to recall all of games. That’s what I was told by the salesperson. No date of when it will be re released.
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I made the mistake (what else is new) that the most important thing in life was love and if you had love, then everything else is unimportant.
Luckily, I was straightened out of my fanciful thoughts. It’s money that is the most important thing in life. You have to have money in order to be happy. Money does buy happiness. “The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works” to quote a line from Michael Douglas. I was wondering around, looking for happiness. Think that I’ve watched Moulin Rouge! too many times or something.
Well, like all things, it will take time for me to get enough money to make myself happy. I wonder how much will I need. Anyway, with car payments and student loans to pay back, it will be a long time before I have enough money to bring a smile to my face.
And to think, I thought that I was happy by just being in love. Foolish boy, love is for kids…
Well, it is time for me to go and spend some money. Need to wash my mink blankets and my sheets. Also thinking about going to Ikeato get some chairs for the kitchen table. Apparently, Mike’s Mom is going to buy us a sofa couch. And I think that I will go ahead and buy a cordless keyboard for myself. I wasn’t going to buy one cause my brother got me a Digital Remote for graduation. He has already ordered it, so I wasn’t going to get the keyboard, since the keyboard does all of the same stuff as the remote. But I was lying in bed today and I really wanted to write out some stuff that I was thinking, but was too lazy to get up and go to the computer (only 2 feet from my bed). Gawd, am I lazy or what. In my pitiful defense, I can only say that I was extremely comfortable in my blankets and didn’t want to leave the safety, comfort, and warmth. **sigh** I am lazy. Well, I will think about buying the keyboard while I am doing laundry and chair shopping.
Current mood: apathetic
Current music: Madonna – Live To Tell

“With reasonable care, the human body can last a lifetime”
add to that…
“But the human heart will always be fucked over several times in a lifetime.”
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I was taught about sacrifice last weekend in Susanville. I was told that, “To sacrifice, means to expect nothing in return.” This is something that I had forgotten when I was using the word. I was “sacrificing” but expecting something back in return for my sacrifice. So I’ve had to reexamine what I was doing and decide if I was truly making a sacrifice. And I think, after thinking it over and understanding the meaning of sacrifice, that I still would willing give up something and ask for nothing in return.
Yet, the question I have now is how much can one sacrifice before there is nothing left?
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By my girlfriend…;
AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess she is doing her job or something like that
Current mood: crazy
Current music:

Finish taking a shower and I feel really good now. Going to head to the ballpark to pick up Suzanne. It’s almost the middle of the 8th and I should get there by the top of the 9th.
Did some laundry, but will probably do more tomorrow at Suzanne’s when I take her and her mom home. (We are picking her mom up from the airport).
What else? Got more cards and presents from people. Got a card from my cousin Denise today. Also got a card and a present from Mary (The Simpsons 1st Season DVD). So there should be one more card from Solano coming and that should be it. I need to take a picture of my graduation shrine tomorrow. I wonder how long I should leave it up. I think that I will wait until the actual diploma comes and then take it down soon after that. Damn…I also need to order pictures tomorrow. That’ll set me back $100. And I need to pay JCPenny’s **sigh** This will be the last paycheck that I have extra money after the bills. Next month, things will start to be tight. I hope that I haven’t extended myself too far, budget wise with the car and everything. We’ll see, I guess.
O.K. time to got wait for the girlfriend.
Current mood: clean
Current music: U2 – Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For