Monthly Archives: February 2001

One of the hardest things I can do is to destroy paper memories, but I can’t look back on those memories and get fuzzy feelings. I can’t keep letters that piss me off every time I read them. I think keeping things like that is what’s perpetuating my “living in the past” somewhat.
I took my Bridges of Madison County book and took a knife to it, right in the heart of the book. I twisted the knife around and then tossed the book into the garbage. There is no need to burn it, if it’s in the garbage I won’t go back and try to retrieve it.
I thought that tearing up the letters from my very very first boyfriend (I was with him for a month, didn’t really consider him my first) was a mistake. After all the letters had been shred I regretted it, but now that I’m 10 years older I don’t see it as a mistake. It would only cause me to dwell upon it. I wish I had destroyed everything with Billy Zellner and everything with Joseph Lamont Rogers long ago. Those memories bring me nothing but pain and every single time I read the letters I am transported back to the time they were given to me.
And these letters I’ve kept are love letters, they’re letters of hate, of bad karma just sitting around. I don’t even want to read them before I tear them to shreds. I should just be impulsive enough to start the ripping process and not stop. I’ll get the courage and when I think back on the bad memories I’ll have what’s in my head and not hardcopy right in front of me to rip my heart out again.
I never thought I would do this, but my memory is long, and I think I can remember well enough without the little details included in notes and letters. I’m even destroying the “Just because I find you irrisitible” note. Spelling errors I thought as endearing as the misspelling of the word “as” and using “has” instead. Fuck endearing.
Maybe I’ll get all dressed up and do a photoshoot of the process. I’m feeling better already.
I was told for years to get rid of all of April’s letters. I did get rid of all of my written journals (I threw them into a lake) and I have regretted it ever since. I’m just a pack rat though. With my memorabilia from April, it’s all at my parents house in Washington. So I only to get to read them when I visit. I probably would have destroyed them if they were here with me.
Why do I keep them? I think it’s because of the history that is in it. There is so much in it, both good and bad. But the memories that I have in my mind are so much stronger than the physical stuff.
April, I do appreciate the warning that you gave Suzanne. Most of my friends haven’t or wouldn’t do anything like that; they would just encourage me on with the relationship. It was a warning to me too and it brought me down to earth. I have hurt her before, I have hurt you in the past too. If I want to keep Suzanne this time, I need to speak with actions, and not with flattery and words.
It did hurt me to hear those words from you, cause I still consider you a friend (Doomie, sorry, I don’t think I could care less about you). But it was something that had to be said, and I thank you for saying them. And I will show Suzanne that I am worthy of her love.
Current mood: awake
Current music: Listening to KLLC Alice 97.3 on the radio

**BLUSHES**
(Actually, I don’t blush; my ears get hot)
Current mood: chipper
Current music:

You may not see yourself as being very gracious and charming at the moment. You may want to take the easy way out rather than struggle valiantly toward the challenges that lie ahead of you. Most of all, you need to see yourself as you really are, not the way others see you. People tend to project onto you their concepts of themselves. Don’t let the mirror distort your own sense of pride.
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From a written journal years ago…..
Because of the three or four years of events that has occurred between April and I, I have had to look at my values, morals, and beliefs on almost everything in my life. April has showed me that I am not as powerful as I thought I was. I have seen almost all the aspects of love, good, and evil through her. Today, I am just has confused as before. Few of my questions that I have have been answered. But what I do know is that April was my first true love, that I still love her, and that I will always have a place in my heart for her.
**sigh** 10 years later….I’m still looking at my values, morals, and beliefs. April still can bring me down a notch. And I am even more confused now than before. I do know that April was still my first true love. I do know that I still love April . And I know that there is and will always be a place in my heart for her.
But there is also another person now. Someone who has filled a hole in my life that I never thought that would be filled again. She has left me even more confused than I have been before. But she has also given me some of the answers that I have sought for so long. Some of those answer were no brainers that I should have learned a long time ago. And some of those answers I haven’t been able to accept and I ran away because I was afraid. But the two greatest things that she has taught me is forgiveness and unconditional love. These are things that I would never learned from April. And these are things that have me looking at my values, morals, and beliefs; and making me want to change some of them. I guess the greatest thing about Suzanne is that I want to be a better person because of her. I want to be a better person for her and for myself. I love Suzanne and I think…no, I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, discovering and living life with her by my side.
I realize that it won’t be easy; I do realize that. Change is hard; you have to work at it. I am learning that. I am scarred, questions and doubt still surrounds me, like a cloak. There are times where I just want to just give up and run away and go back into the dark corners and hide and cry. And I also realize that this is all just words. “Talk is cheap” and all of that. And April, you more than anybody know the control that I can have over words. You still have the letters and tapes that we sent to each other throughout the years, as do I. “So what if this is all the usual Joe bullshit that only he can spew so well.”
You are right to be concerned. That is what friends are there for. I am glad that you are here to temper my enthusiasm. To force me to see the mistakes and the wrong that I have done. And I have done wrong and have made mistakes. The thing is that with forgiveness and love, all things came be overcome. And with Suzanne’s love, I believe that I came overcome the mistakes and the wrongs that I have done to her and become a better man for both her and for myself.
P. S. I still owe you a love letter…..XOXOX
Current mood: accomplished
Current music: Matchbox 20 – If You Go

…It was about a month before I could free myself to see her. By that time, she had broken-up with Ivan (finally) and was going out with her new and current boyfriend, David (Damn). I do not know the details of the break-up between April and Ivan, but April was not happy about it and went on the warpath against her ex-boyfriend. Unfortunately, Ivan was friends with my best friend, Jesse. And Jesse was ready to go after April to get her off of Ivan’s back. So to head off a confrontation between them, I decided to redirect her anger. So I did. April is a singer and after one of her performances, I insulted her and her boyfriend in front of his parents.
Needless to say, her anger was redirected and once again our friendship ceased to exist. A couple of months passed before I saw her again at her Senior Prom. The smile that she gave me was full of malice and evil. After that, I decided to give her something and to try to explain why I did what I did. I got her a $300 dollar necklace and wrote her a letter explaining my actions and for one final time express my love for her. That would be the final time that our paths would cross.
yeah, right…
Current mood: contemplative
Current music: David Gray – Babylon

Is it important to you to have a particular kind of wedding? If so, under what circumstances would you be willing to forgo that type of ceremony, or even elope?
Bonus: How important is ceremony to you? Could you feel as deeply bonded to someone without a marriage ceremony? If you felt no pressure from any family or friends, what kind of wedding would you have?
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**sniff**
I had almost forgotten how deep that words could cut…
I had almost fogotten how one person can still have a profound influence on your life…
Damn….I thought that the depression spell was over. I was doing so good today too.
**sigh**
Well, i can’t cry right now since I’m at work. Maybe a couple of more hours at work and I’ll be able to pull myself back up.
**tear**
Current mood: crushed
Current music:

People tend to promise more than they can deliver. If you are involved in costly projects, you may be concerned about how much money you’ll have to spend. Wait until you know you’ll be reimbursed before you spend your own money. If the people around you seem intolerant of your financial difficulties, it may be your fault for misleading them. Explain that you have limitations, even if it hurts your pride. You have to take care of yourself for a change.
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And I have yet to make any progress on my paper. I kinda disappointed in myself; but yet, I still believe that I can write up a good paper and get it done before class tomorrow. I also still need to do laundry too. **sigh**
I’ve had an headache for most of the day. It didn’t help that Matt and I ventured to the mall to buy a TV. We eventually got one at Target; it a Sansui 19″ T. V. I think it looked bigger in the store. Matt is slowly being sucked into it; he’s been without a TV for 6 months now. I watched TRL for an hour, but I free of the TV to take a nap. My headache is a little better, but it is still there. Staring at a computer screen is not going to help it any.
Actually, there are a couple of different topics that I want to talk about, but I realize that I need to get this paper done. So I’m going to hold off until a later time.
God, this song has so many different memories, for myself and for others….
Current mood: annoyed
Current music: Pet Shop Boys – Jealousy

Like most people, you occasionally have disappointments in your life, but you tend to keep yours to yourself. Other people may not know that you’re overextended financially and unhappy about your progress. Make an attempt to curb your expenditures. Although you may be tempted to thumb your nose at any restrictions, remember that you’ll still have to deal with the consequences, including your inner turmoil. Choose wisely and practice moderation.
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