OK, well tuesday night, I went up to see her and she was caught off guard. But she went out with me to Fresh Choice for dinner and to Wal-Mart to buy some shower curtains. We also stopped over at April’s to drop off the DVD I had for her, but April was asleep.
The first hour/1.5 was pretty blah; just catching up and stuff. She was being kinda guarded, which I didn’t blame her. But once we got to WalMart, we both loosened up a bit and it was just like old times. After that we went back to her house and talked. I was really hard for me to do, but I opened myself to her about all of my concerns and fears and my hopes and stuff.
The thing with Serraph is that she loves me. She loves me for the man that I am; and for the man that I could be. She sees in me stuff that I don’t even see in myself. But I think the most amazing thing is that she loves my unconditionally. I think that is the most exciting and the fucking scariest think about the whole situation.
Then there is me. I haven’t been the greatest person in the world. I’ve looked back at some of the stuff that I have done, and I’m not happy. I want to change my life, and for the better. And it’s because of her. I want to change for her; she makes me want to be a better person.
So we are back together again? No. We are not back together. Although I did give her a kiss; **sigh** a kiss, a kiss, a kiss. What it too much too soon, maybe. But did it feel right; it felt so very right. So after the kiss, I went home. Part of me wanted to take her with me, part of her wanted to come. But I didn’t and she stayed.
So what is going to happen. I have no idea. I do have a date with her for valentine’s day. And She came over Friday to bring back my ATM/Check card. She saw the new apartment and we went shopping at Target and at Albertsons. And she stayed late, but she didn’t spend the night.
I don’t know what is going to happen. On the one hand, I am happy and estatic that I am just talking to her and being able to talk to her again. But then I am also afraid, afraid that somehow I am going to screw up and ruin every thing. I don’t know; I have alot to prove to her friends and to her family. I also have to prove to myself that I can be healthy and stroung enough to be in a relationship with her. There is alot for me to do still even before we can be back together, but I think that this time I can do it. With her behind me, I can do anything.
A 40-something rediscovering life in California