Monthly Archives: November 2004

“The first rule of Project Joe is – you do not talk about Project Joe. The second rule of Project Joe is – you DO NOT talk about Project Joe.”

Some commonly used brand names are:
In the U.S.—
Desyrel
In Canada—
Desyrel
Generic name product may be available in the U.S.
Category
Antidepressant
Antineuralgic
Description
Trazodone (TRAZ-oh-done) belongs to the group of medicines known as antidepressants or “mood elevators.” It is used to relieve mental depression and depression that sometimes occurs with anxiety.
Trazodone is available only with your doctor’s prescription, in the following dosage form:
Oral
Tablets (U.S. and Canada)

Continue reading →

Some commonly used brand names are:
In the U.S.—
Effexor
Effexor XR
In Canada—
Effexor
Effexor XR
Category
Antidepressant
Anti-anxiety agent
Description
Venlafaxine (ven-la-FAX-een) is used to treat mental depression. It is also used to treat certain anxiety disorders or to relieve the symptoms of anxiety. However, it usually is not used for anxiety or tension caused by the stress of everyday life.
This medicine is available only with your doctor’s prescription, in the following dosage forms:
Oral
Extended-release capsules (U.S. and Canada)
Tablets (U.S. and Canada)

Continue reading →

What makes me special? Am I special?
What was it that people saw in me that made them want to be friends with me and where has it gone?
What was it that Suzanne saw in me that made her go out with me and what happen to it that made her leave?
What was it that made me me and where is it at now?
Or is this it? Is this what I am to be from now on. Is this what my life is, to struggle to get out of bed and rush out to my job where I am mostly sheltered from the outside world and then rush back to my room at the end of the day and hide myself away until the morning?
Why can’t I let go of this pain that I have? Is this the only reason that I’m living for; to hold on to this pain and guilt, letting it tourture and punish me every day. Why can’t I let go of it, either by healthy or unhealthy means?
What an incompotent and impotent person I’ve become.

Why can’t I…
For hurting Suzanne without even knowing it
For being an horrible friend
For being an horrible worker
For being a horrible child to my family

Velvet Revolver – Fall To Pieces
It’s been a long year
Since you’ve been gone
I’ve been alone here
I’ve grown old
I fall to pieces, I’m falling
Fell to pieces and I’m still falling
Every time I’m falling down
All alone I fall to pieces
I keep a journal of memories
I’m feeling lonely, I can’t breathe
I fall to pieces, I’m falling
Fell to pieces and I’m still falling
All the years I’ve tried
With more to go
Will the memories die
I’m waiting
Will I find you
Can I find you
We’re falling down
I’m falling

How did I ever become such a dissapointment…
Switching off to yet another drug next week. Yay! Wonder what the wheel o’ drugs will stop on. My bet is zoloft.
Today in group theropy, I realized for the first time that I will have to kill myself. I mean, I’ve been having suicidal thoughts for awhile now, but I knew that I wouldn’t act on them. But today in group, while the handicapped guy started crying, and I held back from laughing, I realized that this theropy would not be able to help me. The point of cogicative theropy(sp?) is that you realize that you have negative thoughts and learn how to counter those thoughts and to get back to zero, not to positive. You do this by lying to yourself and reading/saying cliche mantras and stories and telling yourself that everything is O.K. even though it isn’t. You’re suppose to go out and do “happy” things and be happy. Basicly, you’re suppose to lie to yourself.
Is that the point of my life, to live it has one big lie. Is that the purpose of anybody’s life, to just ignore the pain and to cover it up with a veil of lies and false happiness. While it seems a crime for me to be living, it seems a bigger crime to live my life as a lie for the rest of my life. To lie to myself that things will get better; that I will win over my depression, that I will be”sucessful”, that I will find happiness.
Anyway, I just realized just how big of a dissapointment I have been to my job, my employees, my family, my friends, to God, and to myself. There is no cure for depression, and in 6 months, I will have to end my life.

Misquoted from a song, but I don’t know which song.

Anyway, these are the misquotes lyrics that I really wanted to posted:
I’m still mad you kicked me out of bed
I’m still mad you gave me ultimatums?
I’m still mad you compared me to all your male friends?
I’m still mad you shared our problems with everybody
I’m still mad you had an emotional affair?
I’m still mad you tried to mold me into who you wanted me to be?
I’m still mad you didn’t trust my intentions?
of course I am, of course I am
of course I am, of course I am
I’m still mad that you flirted wildly?
I’m still mad you had a tendency to mother me?
I’m still mad that you had one foot out the door?
I’m still mad that we slept together even after we had ended it?
of course I am, of course I am
of course I am, of course I am
I’m still mad you wore the pants most of the time?
I’m still mad that you seemed to focus only on my potential?
I’m still mad that you threw in the towel?
I’m still mad that you gave up long before I did?
of course I am, of course I am
of course I am, of course I am
Taken from an Alanis Morrisette song.

My life is a 2nd grade class room. I goto theropy and we sit around in a circle and read the usual cliches that I have read before in other self help and depression books. I think I spent the whole hour in the group imagining where I would draw the lines to cut myself. One day, I’ll actually get the blade and slice away. I wonder if it really would ease the pain, even for a little while.

So it’s come to the point where the biggest accoplishment in my life is cleaning my room. I’ll get a cookie or some treat from my theropist. Well maybe, I was suppose to drink 8 glasses of water for the entire week, but I failed that one pretty quick. I feel like I’m a 2-3 year old and just did a poopie in the toilet for the first time. “YAY! Joe went poopie. What a BIG boy…”

My group is a sitcom just waiting to happen. I honestly couldn’t have casted better myself. I think every sitcom character and nationality is counted for. I, of course, play the smart-ass, from the street black kid who knows it all and doesn’t let his guard down for anyone. But then, in the 4th or 5th episode, I’ll break down and have my breakdown monalogue and finally become part of the group.

I’ve burned so many bridges and the smoke is so thick, I don’t know which bridges are still burning and which have crashed to the ground.

What else? I have some kind of fungus on my little toe, I’ve gained 20 pounds, have cooked a meal in a week, no sex drive, getting carpal tunnel, loosing my eyesite, teeth rotting away, and I felt a lump and thing that I might have testcular cancer.

I just need someone to barge in, grab me, and shake the shit out of me. Or better yet, just beat the shit out of me. I wonder how much it would cost to have someone do it for me. Guess, I could always just wander around 3rd street after work and look at someone the wrong way. Would also solve the ending my life problem. Something to midly think about…

That’s it. Just dancing on that manic-bipolar line, just waiting to fall off…

If anybody knows, please email me at the above address. Thank You.
-management

afraid to let go
too weak to pull myself up
what am i to do?