How did I ever become such a dissapointment…
Switching off to yet another drug next week. Yay! Wonder what the wheel o’ drugs will stop on. My bet is zoloft.
Today in group theropy, I realized for the first time that I will have to kill myself. I mean, I’ve been having suicidal thoughts for awhile now, but I knew that I wouldn’t act on them. But today in group, while the handicapped guy started crying, and I held back from laughing, I realized that this theropy would not be able to help me. The point of cogicative theropy(sp?) is that you realize that you have negative thoughts and learn how to counter those thoughts and to get back to zero, not to positive. You do this by lying to yourself and reading/saying cliche mantras and stories and telling yourself that everything is O.K. even though it isn’t. You’re suppose to go out and do “happy” things and be happy. Basicly, you’re suppose to lie to yourself.
Is that the point of my life, to live it has one big lie. Is that the purpose of anybody’s life, to just ignore the pain and to cover it up with a veil of lies and false happiness. While it seems a crime for me to be living, it seems a bigger crime to live my life as a lie for the rest of my life. To lie to myself that things will get better; that I will win over my depression, that I will be”sucessful”, that I will find happiness.
Anyway, I just realized just how big of a dissapointment I have been to my job, my employees, my family, my friends, to God, and to myself. There is no cure for depression, and in 6 months, I will have to end my life.
