I think that this is my biggest fear, that I will slip so far into my depression and psychosis that I will end up on the street and going in and out of SF General. One of the reasons that I don’t like to go into the city is that I get a glimpse of the homeless people; the ones with mental problems. I see them and I do like everyone else and ignore them or step over them or around them. But always in the back of my mind, I know that I am just a couple of steps from being one of them. One of the people that is ignored, one that is stepped over, or walked around of. I am swimming out in a storm with a life preserver around me. However, I can’t get back in the boat. My friends, my family, and even God can’t pull me back into the boat. And I don’t have the strength to pull myself back into the boat. The best I can do is hold on and try to stay afloat. But how long can I just stay afloat before I tire and sink into the waters.
The double dose of prozac is working, although with it’s own side effects. I haven’t had a suicidal thought for awhile now. And I think that I handled the stress of Back-To-School better than I thought I would, esp. with Mark leaving the way he did. However, it’s coming to the point where I just don’t care about anything at all. I mean, before I would feel depressed and sad missing my friends and doing what I am doing. Now, I’m at the point where I don’t care anymore. The same with work; before work was the one of the few things that kept me connected with the rest of the world. I mean it was hard for me to get out of bed, but once I was there I became connected with it. The best way to describe it is that before, I would go through the motions of work, dinner, relax, and sleep, but in my mind I would be wrestling with my thoughts and depression. Now I am just catonic(sp?) and am literally, just going through the motions. I have no feeling for anything anymore. Even this entry right that I am typing now, I’ve had to really force myself to do it. IT’s not if I want to do it or not, I just don’t care. I’ve lost all of my feelings both good or bad. I feel like I’m dictating this entry somewhere in the back of my mind.
What I really feel like…not feel like. Hmm…I am trapped in my own mind in a prison of my own making. Every once in awhile, I get a glimpse of the world outside the prison and I some how smuggle a message to the outside world. A birthday message here, a donation there, a misdialed number. But these instances are always quick and I’m always sent back to my prison cell.
A 40-something rediscovering life in California