Monthly Archives: July 2004

In a room full of people, i feel so alone. Didn’t i post this same message a month ago?
Current Mood: Depressed

Psychologist wanted me to go out of the house to get some exercise and to interact with people. Well, I did walk downto the store to get curry mix for dinner last night.
However, today I had to work at the store and I had forgotten that the parking garage fee increased from $2 to $5. So I had to park on the street and walk to the store, about 1/2 mile maybe. And while working at the store, I had to interact with several people, both co-workers and customers. So I am considering that part of my homework done.
Working at the store wasn’t bad, just long. Even with all the paperwork that I brought with me and helping Celeste and Christy with their stuff, time just dragged.
Well, the next part of my homework assignment is tomorrow night. Need to remember to take pictures…

Today def. did not start out well. Driving to work, I had to tell myself several times to pay attention to the road, and to watch where I was driving at. I was totally non focus and my mind was all over the place. Work wasn’t much better, with Tim giving me “that look” and the UPS driver basicly telling me that I looked like that I was cracked out.
But I’m feeling much better now…
Anyway, think I need to assure Tim that I’m not smoking crack (or any drugs) or that I’m going to kill myself (I’m not).
**update** Am I convincing Tim, or and I convincing myself?

Went to the store on the way home from my session, and interacted with the cashier has she rung up the alcohol that I bought.
I locked myself up in my room and took a nap (I forgot to include that in my daily activity list), woke up and watched some T.V., played some computer games, read my books, surfed the web, drunk my bottle of Jack Daniels, and cried.
Maybe tomorrow I get a chance to go on that walk to the beach. Or clean myself and my room. **sigh** And I still have homework to do. Do I have to goto a movie or can I just rent a DVD from Blockbuster?
Anyway, me, my JD tainted breath, and my tears are all going to goto bed now. Tomorrow starts year three of my sixteen year sentance.

Two years ago, I graduated from college…
Two years ago, I purchased a new car…
Two years ago, The world stopped for me…
Two years ago, Everything came crashing down around me…
Two years ago, And I’m still picking up the pieces…
Two years ago, I’m exactly where she left me…
Two years, My love for her still hasn’t changed…

Can’t think of the word that I want to use for this weekend. Hopefully, it’ll come to me.
Got over the coffee jitters that I had on Friday. I think I might have just been hungry, and it wasn’t the coffee. I don’t know. What else, I download Picasa from Google. I really like the program and I finally have my photos organized and most are now labeled with keywords so I can search through them. I also slowly whittled away at the books that I have checked out from the library. I wanted to goto the beach today, but I paniced and didn’t go. I cried for a little while and then settled back into a “I don’t care” mood.
Apathy, that it.
An apathetic mood.
I don’t think that I care anymore.
I guess that’s not true, otherwise I wouldn’t be here. Maybe it’s that I not caring anymore, but I’m finally becoming numb to it all.
Maybe I should just goto sleep. I’m sure that I will be crying alot more this week.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/07/18/BAGF97NKCB1.DTL

Not sure if this is the Prozac messing with me, but I have had the coffee jitters all day long. I had a large…I mean venti coffee this morning and have been wired all day long. I don’t get wired off of one cup of coffee. I know I don’t drink that much coffee anymore, but when I do it’s usually a large mocha or latte, and I barely get buzzed off of that. Anyway, I’m just glad that this week is over. It’s been a pretty busy one and it’ll be even busier next week.
Got my plane tickets to see my family in August.
Spent last night fixing Babara’s computer, reinstalling Windows and all of her stuff. It was running smoothly last night; hopefully she hasn’t had a problem with it today.
Tim invited me out to his ball game tonight and Amber just invited me to the Philosopher’s Club. I think that I am going to pass on both due to the way that I feel. I just want to go home and eat and then crash.

So it’s been a week of taking the Prozac. And of course nothing has happened. However I wish that something did happen. I wish that I could just take one pill and say, “Look, I’m cured!” Or just take the faulty chip that’s in my head and replace it with an upgraded chip.