Monthly Archives: December 2003

2-3 inches of snow outside the house up here…
Was fun to watch, took some pictures…
Brother crazily drove home; couldn’t get car up into driveway…
Roads are going to be fucked up…
Wonder if I will be spending New Years at SeaTac airport…

-I saw snow; and I didn’t get stuck in it.
-I hate dial-up. And AOL
-I love catching up on TV/Movies…from Korean Soaps to Neverending Story marathon
-Cinnamon bread with ice cream is good
-def. won’t be eating beef while mad cow is around
-Almost at the breaking point with AT&T
-I hate the cold weather up here.
-Home is where the heart is
-I am still torn between two cultures
-Duty or desire, which will I choose.
O.K. I have to wake up and be out if here around 5-6am. Need sleep

1) Eat healthier: Drink low fat or nonfat milk; no more sugary cereals, no more junk food; eat more vegetables, fruits, and fiber; 1-2 meals a day.
2) Exercise more: Goto the gym at least 2/week while I still have membership. Also walk/jog more, building some muscle mass, and doing pushups/situps before I goto sleep at night.
3) WWE/wrestling: Goto at least one wrestling event this year. Preferably a PPV, but will settle for a RAW or Smackdown event.
3) BT: Will go see BT when he comes to the bay area to mix.
4) Concert: Will go see one act in concert this year. Comedians and small venues count.
5) Will stay away from the following: Dave Matthews concerts, Dickens Faire, Ren Faires, Victorian Dances, SCA events
6) Take at least one class this year, either at SFSU, community college, or community center
7) Write better stuff in my journal. Just improve my writing. Continue with the Questions series with a min of 500 words/entries.
8) Make more comments in other people’s journals. Actively participate instead of lurking around.
9) Save money and pay off bills. I want to pay off some of the smaller bills this year and actual start saving money. Also need to correct my credit reports.
10) Go on vacation somewhere. I want to go someplace that I have never been before and vacation.
11) Take pictures with both my digital camera and my cell camera. Use my camera more and so being afraid to take pictures, no matter how ugly they turn out.
12) Update my website more. At least 4 new designs/updates this year.
13) Love myself. Continue on accepting and loving who I am, regardless of what my friends, family, and God thinks of me.
14)Explore the Bay Area more. Go out and discover what is out there.

The majority of this year was spent on Suzanne…thinking, missing,

loving, pining, whining, wanting…Let’s see, I saw her a handful of times this

year. Once at the beginning of the year to get money from her. Saw her

at the Ren Faire twice. Almost got her to come over and fix the plugs

in my new place. Sent her some gifts. Fixed a Valentine’s dinner for

her. But mainly, I just floated in the memories of the past, screwed

up, and wondered where things went wrong and where to go from here.

I still miss her. I still love her. I still wrestle with the

questions that were left unanswered. I go through the days and i do

double takes when I think that I see her when I in and around San

Francisco. And yet, at the Dickens Faire, I actually did feel her

presence there. Am I psycho, or just crazy?

I still hurt. And it is not the hurt that we are not together. That

hurt is still there for me. However the pain that hurts me the most is

the fact that I am the only thing that causes pain in her life. To

find out that everything in her life is going well, except when I am in

the picture; to know that I cause her pain when I am in the picture,

that hurts me the most. I thought that that was the case at the

beginning of the year when I went to see her. But it wasn’t verified

until the Renaissance Faire when her friends let me know what she

couldn’t tell me. And I’m taken that information and…just suffered

and wallowed in it. Also have taken it out at work with the people

that I work with. But mainly, just letting the pain of knowledge just

sit and brew within me. Sometimes, I wish that I could just let it all

go. It would be so easy….to be Bill. To drink a 6 pack before going

out to an Irish pub for St. Pat’s and then afterwards search for a gas

station that is still open in order to pick up another 12 pack. I do

think about getting drunk way too often. And if I had someone to go

drinking with….or a designated driver…just someone to watch over me

has I let myself go.

O.K. getting shit faced drunk really doesn’t solve anything for me.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure what will help me.

I hope she is doing well. I hope that she is having a great Xmas. I

hope her grandmother is doing well. I hope that her brother was able

to visit her. I hope she got what she wanted for Xmas. I hope that

she is happy. Even if it without me in her life.

You know what I want. I want to be Nicolas Cage and I was Suzanne to

be Angelina Joile and I want us to steal cars together…

no, I know what I really want. I want to fly into Oakland at

9:30-10:00 and I want Suzanne to be there at the airport waiting to pick

me up. We’ll go off and get some breakfast, and then just spend the day

driving and talking, taking silly pictures with my camera…

**sigh** I know that there are alot of things between Suzanne and I.

It has been over a year since we were apart. There have been people,

places, and events that have changed the both of us. And for us to be

together again, we would have to rebuild what was lost between us. And

that takes time.

I wish that I could just skip all of that. All of the rebuilding and

such. I wish that I could just kiss her and hold her in my arms. Just

forget about the past and the future for a spell and just be with her

in the present…

Spent the day cooking food for Eric and friends. Also dealing with mom. **sigh** 6 more days.
Went to see Paycheck. Def. a John Woo move with the obligatory white dove. Not a bad movie. Not a full price movie, but matinee for sure.
Oh yeah, cell phone has died. Will the cell phone sage never end…
Six more days until the end of this year.
Anyway, figured out that I can type my entries in notepad and then cut and paste to get around the dialup thing.
Going to watch Cowboy Bebop.

So parents didn’t get me a Xmas gift, but a “love gift” of some sweaters. I left their Xmas cards at home in the rush to pack.
Planning on taking Eric and his GF out to see Payback today.
Although there isn’t any decorated Xmas tree, or lights on the house, or snow on the ground, and even though I still feel lonely inside, I have to admit that I am feeling a little Xmas spirit.
It’s a nice calm moment in the storm.
Anyway, Merry Xmas to everybody out there

Woke up late.
Decided to be naughty and play with my phone.
Locked myself out of my phone.
Lesson learned…franticly packing for trip.
Will call AT&T later.
Have I mentioned how I am so over this year.
Merry Xmas, Happy Holidays, Whatever….

Went out to Vacaville. Took April out to dinner at Shogun Teriyaki. Then went to Candy Cane Lane to look at Xmas lights. Then headed to Baker’s Square for pie.
Also stopped off to see Barry and the boys. Decorated Marco’s face with yams and peas while trying to feed him.
Then raced home to hook up my Bluetooth adaptor. Got it working and for awhile, I had the cell phone connected to the computer. And was able to upload all of my contact info to the phone. Unfortunately, I disconnected it somehow, and don’t know how to reconnect so I can get all of the pictures and movies that I took off of the machine. And I can’t spend time on it because I have to get packed for my vacation tomorrow.
Pretty good night.

-Barbara has been ill for the last week. Today it got to the point where she had to goto the hospital. So she can’t go down to L.A. to see her family.
-One of the cats escaped and I had to go chase it in the cold night.
-Hit my head hard on the garage door trying to take the garbage out.
-Shifted cat litter around for 5min before finding out that Barbara had already cleaned the litter box.
-Teeth have been killing me all night long
-I have 4 loads of laundry sitting on my floor that need to be put away before I leave.
-Barbara’ snake gets loose and I have to call Barbara’s Niece, Kirsten to get the snake back in it’s cage while I have it cornered with a Swifter and a duster.
-Still dealing with leftover AT&T crap
Honestly, I am so over this year…