So today was my twice-a-week lesson in humility known as Elementary Aikido. Well today, I went in with a different aditude. Maybe it was because of the fact that I haven’t been sleeping that well; tossing and turning all night long. Maybe it was the jelly beans that I finished off before I went to sleep last night. Hmmm, I wonder if it has something to do with the monitor smell? (which I don’t smell anymore). Well, regardless of what it was, I decided to go into class angry.
Anger has always been a part of my life. O. K. maybe not always, but for quite a while now. I could always count on anger to give me the extra strength to get me pass an obstacle. Of course there were times that I got burned in the process (Badly most of the time), but at least I got pass, right?
I do realize that love is ultimately a stronger and more lasting energy. And I do have love; more love than I have had in a long time. But it is still weak and in no condition to carry the burden of my so called life or 40 minutes of Aikido. And my love with Suzanne is there and strong, but that too is not strong enough to give me the energy that I need. That love is still fragile and in the LONG process of rebuilding. Hmmm, in hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t have taken so many whacks to it. I was scared though…..but I digress.
SO I decided to call up on anger to give me some strength in my Aikido class, which if you look at it, defeats the purpose of Aikido or any martial arts. But it worked; with the extra strength, I was just plowing through my exercises. The fires of anger gave me a new sense of energy that I have not had in the class in a long time. Even the teacher was impressed with my new found energy. I could see it in his eyes has I came down with my blow towards his head; of course I didn’t touch him and he promptly blocked the blow, twisted me around, and then slammed me on the ground. The point is that he noticed it.
But it took me awhile to gather the anger. Before, anger has always been hovering around the top of my emotions, just waiting to be released. But today, I had to dig deep and look for it. In fact, despair was the first emotion that came out and it almost overtook me. At one point, I was ready just to walk out of the class crying. But I held out and eventually anger rose up in me. It was sorta like this weeks Ally McBeal episode. I don’t watch Ally McBeal on a regular basis. I’m not even sure what compelled me to stay on FOX instead of changing. But I stayed and watched it In the episode Fish (i think that is his name; he the small lead partner) couldn’t find Barry White in his head. When he hears Barry in his head, he is confident and can kick ass. But somehow he had lost it and the episode was about him trying to find it again.
My anger was kinda like that today. It eventually came out, but it was choppy and inconsistent. Not the usual constant heat that washes over me. It is still with me now, but it is just smoldering. The whole roommate thing is keeping it alive a bit longer. Justin and Matt, **rolling my eyes** Justin is just doing his best not to be in the same room as I am. ANd the door was locked; wonder what he was doing. The fact that he was listening to Christian Coalition Talk Radio did not help my mood a bit….
…just to get off topic for a minute. I realize that liberal are often a bit addled in some of their beliefs and programs. But Republican and Democrats have to agree that ultra-conservative Republicans are just plan crazy. I mean sure democrats have their tree huggers and pot smokers and stuff. But ya’ll Republicans crazies are just crazy. I remember one time when Al Gore stopped in Fairfield to give a speech. There was a mob of Republican protestors outside the gym where he was speaking. I saw a friend who was talking to this one old guy. My friend left me with this guy and a hour later, I was able to lose this guy and his talk of the U.N. taking over the U.S. and how the U.N. had camps in Arkansas and Tennessee where their armies were practicing city fighting using real people. CRAZY, I tell ya. Anyway..,..
…And Matt has said all of 5 word to me this week and he is also avoiding me. I know that he is pissed that I am blasting Marilyn Manson with my door open. I think that he left because of it. Oh well, it is annoying dealing with those two, but it’s not that big of a deal. Overall we are all respectful of each other, and I got bigger stuff to worry about like school and work. And talking to my girlfriend is def. higher on the list of importance than my roommates.
So the question or point of this long post is about the anger. Because it took me awhile to get angry, does that mean that I am changing. Is my love strong enough to replace anger? Or should I fall back on to anger? Questions, questions….
O. K. Let’s see if this will post. Live Journal has been especially poopy lately. **sigh** today is going to be a long day, I can just feel it.
Current mood: irate
Current music: Marilyn Manson – Coma White
A 40-something rediscovering life in California