I severely underestimated Bay Area traffic at 5am.
So there’s that.
Onward to other things I guess.
My mind has been my own worse enemy for a long time now and nothing has changed now that I’ve fled to California. Saw Teresa play hockey and wave to a guy and have been battling my mind ever since. Messaging her this morning didn’t really help things. But still to scared to directly ask her the questions I should be asking. Or is this all in my head. Too truly be able to trust my thoughts and live doubt free. A reachable goal or delusional fantasy?
And the drama surrounding my parents still reach out trying to pull me back in completely. I though Eric and I had things figured out. But he is messaging me that they can’t afford assisted care now. What about the house being sold. Are they going to be on the streets? Like always, putting my head in the sand would be the most enticing choice I could make. But it needs to be confronted so that’s what I’ll do…eventually.
My body continues to slowly heal, frustrating me to no end. I just want the pain to end. Which I know my mom probably says every day regarding her pain. Being down here and reconnecting with people is def helping. But I need something more. Whatever that is, maybe I should accept that it might not come from Teresa like I would like it to.
**sigh**. DBT on my own will not be enough, I need to find a group.
Should be in the Buffy journal, but it’s buried somewhere in my car with the rest of my stuff. Leaving in two days to try and rebuild a new life for myself. One where I will try to be happy and love myself. Where I have my friends to help and support me. One without my mother. The emotions are still there, but I have made a good start at dealing with them and putting them behind me. Mom being mom makes it that much easier.
I will miss some things and people here in Seattle for sure. But unlike Lisa, Monica, and Nick, I just can’t give myself to the Pacific Northwest. It’s a pale imitation to the Bay Area I left my heart in. Maybe it was just the time I moved up here, when race issues became a bigger deal. Although there is always race issues, so that’s not a really good excuse. Maybe it was because I saw how those issues could directly affect me. One of the effects of the Bay Area bubble is how it is so diverse that you forget how not diverse other parts of the country are until you leave it. Although that bubble has also popped with some of the events that have happened in the Bay.
Another sleepless night with mom haunting the hone with her cries of pain and illegible Korean chants. Refused to take her to Pot Zone, suggesting that she call her “friends” or to call a taxi. Part of me feeling like shit about it. Another part of me feel like shit due to the lack of sleep. But the commanding part of me is telling myself to hold my ground and to stay strong for the next few weeks.
I look and listen to this family in front of me and wonder if our family was like this. Mom and dad listening to Eric and I tell our stories while eating breakfast. Not for the first time I wonder when the family started to crack and divide. I am trained enough not to go down that rabbit hole. But not discipline enough to not stare at the rabbit hole and wonder.
I guess this one way not to brood and think about Suzanne all the time.
It’s hard to see the marks on the glass where she tried to break it with the ash tray. To tired to so the teeth marks or the slight bruise on my head. Going to be like her and sleep and pretend nothing happened.
Breakfast at the bookstore cafe before work on one of my last days working here. Some reservations, as always, about leaving. Dr Green is right that work was a way for me to escape the problems at home. But with the firing of Virginia, I think that it is the right thing for me to leave regardless. I mean, I think Tacoma was really the last straw, but the Virginia issue is just reinforcing that. **sigh** will I survive everything in the upcoming weeks. So much uncertainty, more than usual. And I just want to hide in my room and avoid all of it, like mom.
Doing a search for “How to put my mom into rehab”
Also found out that the apprenticeship program in Contra Costa has been suspended. That’s a damper on one backup plan for work. Already missing Eric. Already just want to be done with my mom.