Category Archives: Uncategorized

Another lonely night waking up at 3am in the morning. Actually I guess 2am. Going to bed early is not helping at all.

Once again I succumb to boredom and logged onto Instagram. I don’t know why since I can barely see anything on my phone at night. But enough to cut at my mind once again. Seeing her happy puts a smile on my face, even as my mind cries out in pain.

It’s supposed to be cuffing season, right? And yet here I am in my bed, longing to hold someone and keep them warm at night.

I guess I should be happy that I still can feel, even if it’s negative feelings. I don’t want the soullessness on being on Prozac (or was it ability) but would it be any worse than the place I am at now?

I should try to go back to sleep and to my dreams and memories. Frayed at the edges, but still enough to calm and soothe the soul.

The solitude, the social uprooting, it consumes you. Or, to put it a better way, you eat—you down nutrients—but you consume yourself.”

https://apple.news/AaENRkTbKRUqrsZVX8c3X1Q

I really should call mom, but my thoughts, stubbornness, and fear once again gets in my way. I tell myself that there was a time when I wasn’t like this, but it’s hard to remember when. Like I’ve make this thought up and I’m gaslighting myself somehow. Hopefully I can get some answers today; though it will probably lead to more questions.

Luckily, I don’t have to pay mom’s cleaning fee for the old place, so my upcoming tax refund is safe. Wonder if I should use it all on the Apple Card, or wait for my bonus to pay the card off. Or just say fuck it to everything and start planning a trip to Singapore to see Eric and the fam.

Going back to mom, I could wait for Eric to come back out here. We definitely have to deal with the situation that we should have dealt with years ago.

So issue with the financing for the new car (approved but not eligible for membership to the credit union) so I had to come in and redo the contract with Hyundai financing. Blah. The interest and payments went up a bit but are still manageable. It actually works out so that the monthly payment isn’t at the end of the month with rent.

I probably should have bitched more or tried to get some kind of upgrade out of it. Maybe get the blue one or goto the limited and get the sunroof and the parking assist. But if they can program the nfc card for me, that will be enough.

Still no name for the Tucson yet, but it will have a name. Can I name it Vanessa like the other cars I named in the past?

With the weather, glad that Eric got me the mats for the car. The cargo cover should arrive today. After that, I think the car will be complete. Maybe some under seat lighting on the inside. Maybe seat and steering wheel covers. Hmm, maybe.

So I named my 2024 Hyundai Tucson Plug in Vanessa. I think this is the first car that I have named in a while.

So the original plan was to get a Mitsubishi Outlander plug in. But for whatever reason, decided to stop by the Hyundai dealer in Vallejo to check the Tucson out. Usual Car dealer BS, but it was a little cheaper than the outlander, they found me an interest rate under 7% and payments under $650, and got Honda to buy my lease back $500 over the payout price.

Getting used to the size difference between Vanessa and the Civic. But it is nice and roomy, and the inside has some nice features. The plug in aspect is great, even though I’m figuring it out. Since work pays for electricity and I live so close to work, I should only have to pay for gas when I goto SF or Vacaville. But on a work trip to SF, between the battery and the hybrid part, I don’t think I used too much gas, if any. Still figuring out the EV part; certain conditions will turn it on or switch it to hybrid or gas.

Thought I was going to be extra cool and be able to unlock and start Vanessa with my phone, but it’s only for Android. The next version supposedly supports iOS, but not sure if Hyundai is going to roll it out to other cars.

What else? Heater seats are nice. It has wireless charging (but not wireless CarPlay/Android Auto). And with all of the rain we have had so far, thankful for Eric getting me weatherproof mats and the cargo cover. I’ll add pics to this post later.

Like my friends, I am tired of my own bullshit. I’m tired of waking up in the morning. Tired of forcing myself out of bed. Tired of going to work and faking how I feel. Tired of driving home in tears and in pain. Tired of drugging myself with food, alcohol, or the internet to dull the pain. Tired of getting into bed, crying and in pain. Tired of being cold and alone. Tired of being in my thoughts until I pass out in exhaustion. And tired of doing it all over again.

Still, with all of that I’m not tired enough to make a change so I guess I have nothing to complain about. Just continue on the treadmill silently. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right. I must be god damn Superman by now.

Plumbers Crack – Successfully took apart, fixed, and replaced garbage disposal with no leaks.