Solar healing

Using solar power to try to heal the damaged done this morning. Enough to slow the bleeding of my emotional energy, but the wounds remain. This is a no win game that all I can do is slightly slow my descent to the bottom. A pit that I’ll never be able to climb out of. I am too resentful that she kept me on this mortal plane. Resentful of her pig headedness to go to the doctors and follow their advice. Resentful of the addiction that has its hooks in her. Also resentful of my dad for not taking care of himself. For the lies that he tells about the financial situation. For the promises that he easily make and then forgets in a few hours. Resentful of myself for the pathetic creature that I’ve become, unable to take care of my parents or even myself. I am too clouded in pain, fear, and anger to see any other solution but death. But that would be too easy of an way out for me. I am chained to them for as long as they live. Maybe I can eat my way to a heart attack or something. **sigh** maybe I should join her and be a drug addicted. We can do meth and heroin together. The sun is slowing the bleeding, but the miasma of negative thoughts continue to spew out in my head. No solution, only distraction. If only I could pretend I’m happy and believe the lie. Maybe Thin mints when I get home will help. Or distract.

I miss you

I miss seeing you, being with you, holding you in my arms. I wish that I had time to see you. I wish that one trip wouldn’t bankrupt me financially and morally. I wish I could leave it all behind and just come and be with you. I wish I could break the chains of depression that I lock myself with and just talk to you. But wishes and dreams are just that, wishes and dreams. Ideals that just float in the air like clouds.

Silence is golden

So commuting to work today and my headphones didn’t fit over my head so no music from the ferry to work.  With the snow and lack of traffic it was a more quiet and surreal experience.  Even on the train ride to UW, it was quiet except for the whirl of the heater blowing and the swift movement of the train flowing on the tracks along the tunnel walls.  Was definitely using my mindfulness skills to observe my senses and the things around me.  I think with the technological age that we are in, we tend to try to shut out the noise of the outside world, or to at least control the noise that we let into our brain.  But maybe that is a false notion and in fact, from time to time, we need to take out the EarPods out of our ears and just listen to the world around us.

Tinashe-Bated Breath

What if I told you that it was all in vain?
Would it still hurt you?
Would you still feel the same?
Said its impossible-possible
So impossible
But you’re still waiting on the moment breath is bated
I wish I could hold you, I can’t take it
Tell you all my secrets
I’m too faded
Praying that tomorrow I’ll be braver
Maybe I can tell you, maybe we can do this
Kisses on my forehead we can fall into it
Love you like the rain, falls much faster
Living in a piece of ever after
Forever after
Living in the piece of ever after
Ever after, ever after
If you will you have me
I’ll make you happy
Need someone to whom I can belong
Here’s my confession
Saving it special
Hoped it would be you all along
All along
But you’re still waiting on the moment breath is bated
I wish I could hold you, I can’t take it
Tell you all my secrets
I’m too faded
Praying that tomorrow I’ll be braver
Maybe I can tell you, maybe we can do this
Kisses on my forehead we can fall into it
Love you like the rain, falls much faster
Living in a piece of ever after