Part of my problem (according to the Dr.s) is that I worry about stuff that I can’t control or things that are in the future. It’s why it takes me so long to goto sleep at night, why I get sick easily, and it affects my depression.
The one lesson that the last two years have taught me is that in the end, you can’t just depend on others for support and to help you through life if you can’t support yourself. Their love is meaningless if you don’t have love for yourself and vice versa. I loved Suzanne with all of my heart, but it was meaningless because I didn’t love myself, and she left me. And I let her leave.
In order for me to be any good to my friends, my family, and to myself, I need to learn how to survive on my own, to support myself, and to love myself. Only when I learn to hold myself up, to support myself, and to love myself, will I be able to love and support others.
With all of that being said, I am scared shitless of the upcomming week ahead, let alone the rest of the months and years that are comming up. I am so tired and lonely and afraid. I wish that I had friends, or family, or Suzanne to talk to, ot prop me up, to help support and to steady myself, to give me the extra strength and love that I feel that I need. I wish that I had someone that I could talk to.
But all I have is myself…and a bottle of Prozac, to get me through the years ahead; the months ahead; the days ahead. I have to be strong, I have to support myself, I have to love myself. I have to calm the fears inside of me by myself. I have to let the prozac take over, dull my mind and both my fears and my happiness.
I say all of this has I lay huddled in my blankets close to the light of the monitor, as the darkness of my room surrounds me. Alone.