Daily Archives: April 4, 2021

Not doing well

I am not doing well.  The meds and my DBT training keep me from falling into the abyss, but how long can I be held suspended over said abyss, staring into the darkness everyday.  Even if the rope holds, how long can I stare into the darkness before my mind is swallowed up by it.  I look at all of the things and people that are suppose to bring me joy and I feel nothing.  The happines class tells me that I just need to lie to myself and eventually I will believe the lie.  But they dont teach me how to believe the lie.  Not that I really need them to teach me how to lie to myself, I do that on my own every day.  But I can’t get myself to believe in the lie of being happy and the lie of loving myself.  I’ve lied to mysef and others in order to keep myself alive but those lies are slowly coming apart and eventually I won’t have those chains to keep me here.  Then what?  Once all the lies are gone, then what. Maybe the peace that I want so badly, the peace I don’t get while sleeping or wasting my life away.  **sigh**  Probably not the thoughts that I should be releasing from my head…


Depresive thoughts

I finally got myself out of bed around 11am and into the the shower and I had Billie Eilish “Everything I Wanted” in my head and I was softly singing it and I realized that I had changed the words around to made is depressing and suicidal.  That’s how fucked up my mind is, how whatever goes into it just gets turned and twisted.