Book Of Questions: Love & Sex – Question #99

Five years from now, in what ways do you think your relationship will have improved or deteriorated?

Oh this is a good one.  Let’s see, five years from now it will be…the end of 2022?  Wow, so close; and yet it seems so far away when you say it or think it.  Unfortunately, I don’t have too much faith in my future and I’m going to assume that things have deteriorated.  I think that Suzanne will take a place where April is at right now in that she will always have a place in my heart, but the thoughts of us ever getting back together will finally be laid to rest.  That part is already there; I think the part that I’m hanging on to that will finally go away is that we will be friends again, like I am with April (and Kathy).  There is a small part of me that still wishes for this, but I am a weirdo in that respect that I want to be friends with my ex’s.  But unless there is a chance meeting in The Bay or up here in Seattle like in a movie or song (The Cure Cut Here, Reba McEntire And Still, or that Fantasia song…) then I don’t see it happening.

With my FWB, the first one we have been hooking up for almost 15 years now on and off.  But lately I’ve felt that we were growing apart.  It could just be the depression talking/thinking of course.  They could just be in the throes of an episode like I’ve been for most of the fall and winter so far  But we are getting old I hate to say it.  Which I shouldn’t use as an excuse, because old people have sex too.  I don’t know, I feel like weren’t hot in the first place, and we are not aging into hot leather daddies or anything.  But they have had more charisma than I have and I think they are just going to move on eventually.

My other FWB is a similar situation.  I’ve wanted more in the relationship than they did.  But they are a private person and with their job and the location situation, I also see it dying off.  The depression tells me that they have other partners that are filling my role and its hard to fight the thoughts.  I just don’t see myself having anything to offer them and they will finally move on.  **sigh** depression is such a great downer motivator, isn’t it.

The truth is I gave up on myself when I moved up here 3+ years ago to focus on myself and my parents.  Lots of success there /sarcasm.  The truth is that I don’t think that I can give myself completely to anyone because of my parents esp. my mom.  I worry that my dad will pass away at anytime or just that his condition will get worse and worse.  His family is long lived, so it shouldn’t be an issue.  But mom is an entirely different story  With her condition, I just can’t give much if any to anyone else.  And if my dad dies, I fear that the bills are just going to take over.  And I am not prepared for it   It’s sad, but I can’t even imagine a improved love life or life at all for me.   Pretty sad.

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