Stopped in Vacaville on a tip that the Denny’s there had been knocked down and demolished for what looks like a chicken shop. The loss of the Denny’s made me take a drive through Vacaville to visit the places of my past. In previous trips, there has always been the ghost of those memories to greet me at these places. But this time, there were no such ghosts. Had the passage of time finally release these spiritual being. Or had the city changed so much that the ghost were made irrelevant. I think the only trips to Vacaville that I will take will be the ones when I look at my yearbook. If that….
The one thing that therapy is not helping me with is the question of forgiveness. To ask others for forgiveness is a daunting task, but one that I am up for. While I am comfortable forgiving myself for using Facebook and neglecting my journal, there are other things that I have yet to forgive myself for. For betraying them and their trust…no for abandoning them and pushing away their offers of friendship and help. That is what I cannot forgive myself for. That is what therapy can’t seem to find for me. The forgiveness is the answer that I seek. This lack of forgiveness is what keeps me stagnant and depressed, I think.
Is the answer God? I wish it was, but God is like a person on a boat while you are drowning. He is willing to save you as long as you agree to his conditions before you board. Conditional forgiveness is not what I am looking for…I don’t think.