Monthly Archives: July 2007

So one of the things that I have been doing lately is searching the web for info on my old friends. Here is a picture of Kathy, Lesa, Amber, and myself.  I think we took this in Susanville.  Anyway, I was surprised to say the least to see this picture.  I destroyed all of the pictures that I had awhile back, which shows the level of fuck-upness that I have gone through (I’m a history major and historians keep everything.)  Amanda also had a little message on her MySpace about me which was again surprising.  I say surprising because it has been years since I have seen any of these people and I had expected them to forget about me.  But they haven’t and it seems that they would forgive me if I reached out to them.  While in Vacaville car shopping, I drove by Gabi’s and Barry’s house, not expecting them to be there.  Barry was a real estate agent the last time that I saw them and I figured that they would have moved out of their house, esp. with two kids.  But there Barry was, taking his kids out of the minivan. All I could do is drive by the house and watch.

The whole reason of me pushing them away was I was trying to find myself, or at least I think that was the reason I gave myself.  The twisted logic of thought was/is that I was/am a bad person for loosing Suzanne, and in order to do penance and to forgive myself, I needed to be alone.  I think that was my train of thought at the time.  And to a point it still is.  I still haven’t forgiven myself for loosing Suzanne.  And while I’ve come close to understanding the reasons why I lost Suzanne, I haven’t figured out what to do next.  And I not sure if I’ve really forgiven myself nor do I know how to forgive myself.  At this point, I’ve just created this small little bubble that I live in, with nothing coming in or out of it.  I don’t have a reason to stay in the bubble anymore, nor do I have a reason to get out of the bubble.  So I do nothing.  I just rot and fade away.  Until one day I’ll just disappear.

So in addition to dealing with the whole car issue, I’ve had to deal with a cold for the last two weeks which I STILL have.  It started with a slight ear infection, then moved to nasal congestion, and now has turned into a bronchial like cough.  I did go in to get tested for strep(sp?) but it was negative.  I kind of want to go back to Kaiser to get tested some more, but I not sure what to get tested for.  I wonder if I have HIV?  It’s not like I have had any sexual relationships in the last year or two.  I know stupid thought, but it does seem that I get sick really easy.  I thought that I was suppose to be getting healthier with all of the healthy eating that I’ve been doing?  Hmm.  Anyway, I tried to work while being sick, but all I did was to get everyone else at work sick.  So while I do feel a bit better, I think that I’m going to take one more sick day to try to kick this cold once and for all.  I’m sure cleaning and disinfecting my room would probably help me get better.  Not that my room is THAT messy, but it wouldn’t hurt if I cleaned up everything and spray some Lysol around to get rid of some germs.  And I need to figure out how to build up my immune system.  Too bad I don’t have a car, or I could have driven to the Gilroy garlic festival.  I’m sure being there would have cleared up anything and everything that I have.

At the Crêpevine on Church on a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the city, seated between a discussion on Satan in the world and a review of old restaurants in the city.  The usual San Francisco conversations.  No wonder people think we like sniffing our own farts.  Anyway, now that my UMPC has booted up, of course my  food is here.  So this will once again have to be delayed. 

OK.  Lets see how much food I can get on my keyboard.  YAY!!  French toast is really good.  Eggs suck, which is surprising since this is a creperie. 

Anyway, it’s been weeks since I’ve posted anything of import, but the last two weeks have been the move exciting with my car crash.  Yes, the Ford Focus is no more.  On Friday the 13th, I was leaving the warehouse to come back to the store and the city was re-asphalting the street.  There was no one to tell me if I could drive out onto the asphalt and a dump truck back into me.  Honestly, it was the most surreal thing that has happened to me.  I was just in my car, just watching the truck continue to back into me with no thoughts of trying to jump out or anything.  The funniest part was when the drive jumped out of the truck and started to blame me for everything.  Because the Focus really did a lot of damage to his truck.  Of course, the car had just been paid off a month ago.  So I am carless at the moment, but I got a check from my insurance for $9000 for my car, which was amazing, since I was only expecting $7000 max.  I guess I took better care of the car than I thought.

One good thing about this whole thing is that it cut the last tie that I have with Suzanne, since she cosigned on the car with me.  I had been thinking about selling/trading the car for over a year now, but I have held back because of the link that it had with Suzanne.  A stretch, I know, but it was one that I held.  Now that the link is gone, I think that I have nothing to hold on to and that maybe I can move on.  Well, I hope that i can move on.

Still trying to figure out what car to get.  Decided against American.  Also decided to pass on Toyota and Honda because EVERYONE AND THEIR GRANDMOTHER HAS ONE.  I’m seriously considering Hyundai, which was the rental car that I had.  Also thinking about Mazda or Mitsubishi.  Was disappointed with Saturn and with VW Jetta.  But, there was a Passat that I really liked.  The main thing for me is price and what kind of financing I can get.  I looked at my credit reports and they look SO GOOD compared to a few years ago.  I am so glad that I was able to get my act together and get my credit problems taken care of.  Growing up, I guess.  Now if I could only save up money to get a house of my own.

O.K. breakfast/brunch/lunch is over.  Think that I am going to walk around the Castro awhile and then stop by Safeway before heading home.

Because the upstairs’ neighbor kid is ALWAYS jumping on the bed.

I swear to god, why can’t they let him play outside.  Or buy a trampoline so he can jump outside.

So it take me getting my ass handed to me on World of Warcraft in order for me to try and type an entry onto my blog.  Well, it’s either this, clean something, or go outside the house.

My mini vacation is almost over and it was that good of a vacation.  Thursday’s trip to the beach sucked in the fact that it was foggy along the entire coastline, bringing the temps down to the low 50’s.  It would have been better for me just to stay in the city, which was also foggy, but warmer.  The stupid thing was that when I went one mile inland, the temperature went up 30 degrees.  The heat just wasn’t strong enough to burn the fog away at the beach.

I spend Friday afternoon at the warehouse hanging out with the guys and working, because I was so bored just staying at home and I didn’t want to spend the entire day playing Warcraft.

Saturday, I spent driving aimlessly around the city, finally stopping at Marina Safeway to get food.  Very ritzy Safeway, btw.

And today I am fasting/starving myself in an attempt to lose another pound or two.  Not sure if I am going to eat at sundown or go to sleep with no food.

I think I’ve also managed to get another ear infection somehow today.  Lucky me.  I wonder if I still have any antibiotics in the cabinet.

I did pick up my TV and returned the loaner TV to Fry’s.  While I miss the clarity and sharpness of the 26″ Samsung, I am enjoying the 32″ of screen space that I now have.  And has a bonus, I think they gave me an updated model with a built in HD Tuner cause I have HD channels now.  Also I have access to on demand channels…sort of.  It’s pretty random cause I can’t control it, but when I switch to certain channels, I get premium channels that I shouldn’t get.  I’ve watched HBO, Boomerang, IFC, Showtime, and even Skinemax Cinemax.  Not sure if it’s the upstairs neighbors stuff or what, but I’m going to try and to enjoy it while I can.

I weighted myself at the gym last night, even though I told myself that I would only do it once a month.  206lb; that’s four pounds lost over two weeks, which is nice considering how many times that I’ve gone off of my diet in those two weeks.  Still have yet to go on a weight machine.  Yesterday would have been the perfect time since it was empty at the gym.  Maybe tonight’s the night.

I wish that I could buy a Roomba for my room…except that my floor is always a mess.  Not a complete mess like you can’t see the floor, but there is always stuff on it that I don’t thing a Roomba would be practical.  Maybe one day.

I need to contact Suzanne about the car soon.  I need her to sign the car over to me completely so that I can sell it/trade it in for a new car.  Not that I am thinking about buying a new car anytime soon, but it should be in my name.

As usual, I let my inner demons and fears get the best of me.  When to BBQ and had a great time and plenty of good food.  Went out later to see fireworks and am now home nursing a slight hangover.  I really can’t drink anymore, not sure why I tried today.  Still, a few minutes online, and I realize just how ugly I still am.  **sigh**

Anyway, I am going to go to sleep and try to get up early tomorrow in order to hit the beach.  I need to stop at Target to get a towel and some food for the day.  Going to go and relax with my book, and my notepad.  Might bring the UMPC, but doubt it.  Probably won’t be too many people there since tomorrow is a work day, but who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone.  The main goal is to relax and enjoy myself.

Oh yeah, Fry’s called and it’s time to pick up my TV.  I am going to hate to give up the loaner set they gave me (26″ Samsung HDTV), but it’ll be nice to have 32″ of TV screen space.  I wonder if I should pack up the TV and take it with me tomorrow, picking up the replacement TV on my way home from the beach….something to sleep on.

Saw Transformers (Awesome) and Die Hard (Pretty Good)

Waiting for a call to go to a BBQ that I know I’m not going to get.

Am going to the beach tomorrow if the weather is hot enough (It has to be over 70 degrees for me to go)

Will probably spend 4th July like last year, laying in my bed alone and crying.