Monthly Archives: June 2005

Cutting the fat

I just paid 9.95 in order for my web host, the wonderful people at Dreamhost.com, to keep this site up.
Why?
I haven’t updated the actual website for a long time now; it has to be at least a year. I’ve taken no pictures(not even sure if I know where my camera is at). In fact, I have a front page that’s designed to send people away. And yet, I still have my journal/blog part working, where no one reads it except for me. The point is that I could save $10/month by just saying goodbye to it. I’ve done it to other parts of my life, why not this also.

memories that haunt

Yesterday I saw Suzanne at school while I was making a run to the store.
And all the emotions, feelings, and love washed over me.
I told myself it wasn’t really her; just some girl who shared her looks, her style, her mannerisms.
But I continued to drown myself in the memories of the past.

fade away says my other personality

I wonder how I was like in high school? Or in middle school? Or in elementary school? I don’t even remember anymore; I let memories fade and try to hold on to others. Yet in the end, it seems like they are all fading away.
I also wonder if I have multiple personalities? That would explain alot, wouldn’t it?
Of course, I also think that I’m disfigured (tech. I am with my eye problem) or that I am actually mentally retarded.

Studying myself…

I should commision a study on myself; why do I push away the people that care for me? Why do I want to injure myself?
I still have two weeks, but I think that I am going to be living in my car starting next month. I should have spent the night calling and email people about rooms for rent. I didn’t. I probably should be concerned, but I’m not.
A coworker passed away at work today. I still have enough of my humanity to feel somewhat sad and to cry about it.

hurting myself

Why can’t I die?
I am in so much pain right now.
Why do I hold on; why do I hope?
I should be dead now.
I am dead now; maybe I am undead?
I just want the pain and hurting to go away.

Moment of weakness

Just as it is hard to live life, it is also hard to end life. Ok, the point where we can take a life is easy, esp with the avalibility of guns and other things. But to get to the point of “pulling the trigger” is very difficult. And yet, I slowly work my way to that point.
I erased my cell phone book, my address book, and all of my contacts. It’s amazing how dependant we are for these electronic devices to keep track of all of the addresses we collect. There are a few addresses and email addresses that linger in my brain, but for the most part I have no way of contacting anyone if I wanted to.
I haven’t looked for a new place to live yet. I have less than a month, and have no motivation to start looking. I think that I want to become homeless, as it would be another step towards my self destruction. I would fit right in, as a number of homeless people are on the street due to their mental problem. I wonder how many homeless people die a year.
Sometimes, I don’t think that I want to die. That though slides in between me at work thinking about what I would need to hang myself, and driving home and thinging about driving off of Devil’s Slide.
So yeah, the though comes up of me not dying. But at this point, I don’t think I really have a choice on if I want to live or die. It’s just a matter of when now.
How could no one see this in me?