Just as it is hard to live life, it is also hard to end life. Ok, the point where we can take a life is easy, esp with the avalibility of guns and other things. But to get to the point of “pulling the trigger” is very difficult. And yet, I slowly work my way to that point.
I erased my cell phone book, my address book, and all of my contacts. It’s amazing how dependant we are for these electronic devices to keep track of all of the addresses we collect. There are a few addresses and email addresses that linger in my brain, but for the most part I have no way of contacting anyone if I wanted to.
I haven’t looked for a new place to live yet. I have less than a month, and have no motivation to start looking. I think that I want to become homeless, as it would be another step towards my self destruction. I would fit right in, as a number of homeless people are on the street due to their mental problem. I wonder how many homeless people die a year.
Sometimes, I don’t think that I want to die. That though slides in between me at work thinking about what I would need to hang myself, and driving home and thinging about driving off of Devil’s Slide.
So yeah, the though comes up of me not dying. But at this point, I don’t think I really have a choice on if I want to live or die. It’s just a matter of when now.
How could no one see this in me?
A 40-something rediscovering life in California