Daily Archives: July 25, 2004

There is a song in my head, that I think that Don Hendly sung. Something about, “…forgiveness, even if, even if, you don’t love me anymore…”
And that is the rub. Will I ever be forgiven for the sins that I have committed, commit now, and will commit in the future? Will I ever be forgiven for what I have done to my friends, my family, to myself, to God, and to Suzanne?
Death would be easy, but I have to pay for my sins, even if I don’t know what they are…

I just HATE the fact that I am taking prozac. I really do. It is the absolutely last thing I do before I leave my room in the morning. So that means on the weekend I don’t pop the pill until 11am-12pm. I mean, I’ll get a pill out and just look at it and play with it for minutes before I resign myself and pop the damn thing. The stupid thing is that it isn’t even doing anything to me, granted I still have two weeks before I start feeling better. Maybe I need to up my dosage? The scary thing is that my roommate, Mark, is also taking prozac, but he is taking 4 pills a day. God, am I going to have to take that much? Wouldn’t it have been easier just to loboimize me?

Had a dream that I was wearing a blue loin cloth. It was like this blue cloth that went around my waist and then the front just went over the front of my body. If you remember what chun-li was wearing in Street Fighter II, it was something like that. I remember that I was looking for a jock strap or some thong underwear to keep my dick from poking out from the cloth.
At least I was pretty buff in the dream….

why would I want to cut myself? Would cutting and slashing my skin really release some of the pain that I have in my body? Luckily for me, my room is a total mess and I have no idea of where my keys are at (I have a knife thingie on the keychain). I haven’t seen my cell phone either for that matter, although I think that I stepped on it last night trying to get out of my room to go pee. I wonder if it is O.K.?

See the problem with the last part of my homework assignment is that I forgot if Dr. Grace wanted me to make a list of what makes me happy or what would make me happy; two different things. With the former question, that would imply that there is something that makes me happy now. If that was the case, I would be doing/taking it instead of seeing a psycologist. Now if the question is what would make me happy, then I guess I could list a shitload of things, but would they really make me happy? I mean I’m sure that winning the lottery would put a smile on my face, but would I truly be happy, or would that just mask and hide the problem?