Monthly Archives: December 2003

Went to the Dickens’s Faire with Barbara yesterday. The faire itself was alright, alot of the same merchandise, games, and people that populate the Renaissance Faire. I’m not that big on Dickens in the first place, I read Oliver Twist and A Tale of Two Cities, but they never did anything for me. And being with Barbara, I knew that I would moving at a slower pace, which I didn’t mind at all. So Barbara and I were sitting down next to the tea house. And that’s where the breakdown began.
One minute I was talking to Barbara, and then the next minute I was looking for Suzanne. Like I felt her presence close to me or something. And I just froze up and started to panic; enough that Barbara thought that I had seen a ghost. I recovered, but for the rest of the day I was so unnerved. I tried to calm myself down and enjoy the faire, but all I could do is look around and search for her. At one point, Barbara and I were suppose to be watching a play, but I must have spent more time looking out into the crowd, waiting to see if Suzanne would walk by. Towards the end of the night, I asked Laura if Suzanne was working the faire. It was at this point that my nerves were worked up to the point where I had to leave the faire and go to my car to cry and calm them down. I composed myself long enough to go back into the faire to see the Halleluiah chorus (the point of us staying until the end of the faire), and then to drive Barbara and I back home. Once home, I didn’t know what to do or who to call or anything. Eventually, I decided the best thing was to cry myself to sleep and let exhaustion take over me.
I am still in love with her, and I can hear all my friends tell me that “it will get better soon”, “you need to move on”, “she wasn’t right for you anyway’, etc, etc. And yet I can’t move on. I don’t want to move on, or am I afraid to move on. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I shouldn’t be getting panic attacks just because I thought I “felt” Suzanne at the Dickens Faire. I’m not even sure that she was there at all. Am I loosing my sanity? Well, what’s left of it to loose. Why can’t I just unshackle myself from the chains of her ghost; free myself of the memories of a love that was once there. Why do I want to free myself of those memories? Would that solve everything if I just got rid of everything. What if I deleted all of the pictures and IM messages that I have of her. What if I burned the sketches that I have of her’s? What if I sold the car that she help me buy? What if I deleted all of my journal entries that relate to her? If I erased every memory that I have of her, would that solve everything.
I should be happy that she is happy, right? I mean, if I was the one thing that was making her sad and hurting her in her life, then the thing to do is to stop being in her life, right? I should be happy that I am not hurting her anymore, right? I should be happy that she is happy with me hurting her. I should be happy that there might be someone else that is making her happy that is not me.
My mind is my most dangerous enemy. All of these thoughts swirl around in it and just confuse and torment me, both the good thoughts and the bad thoughts. The good thought just tease me with the replaying events, thoughts, sounds, smells, touches, and sights that I will not experience again. the negative ones are even wilder…Like there is one that questions the reason that Suzanne broke up with me is because I beat her. Like I wonder if I have a 2nd or 3rd personality that was abusive and use to beat her. Silly thought because I wouldn’t do something like that. The though of it just sickens me, and I’m sure if I did do something like that, that I would still be recovering from the beating that any number of her friends would have given me. Still, the thought swirls in my head.
I wish that I could accept that I’m not the man that she wants. I wish that I could accept it like I accepted the fact that I was not the man for Kathy and that I’m not the man for April. I wish that I could set aside the memories, and move on with myself. But I think that I wish more that I could be the man that she wants; the man that she needs. I wish that I could be the man that she gives her love too.

Parking for 5+ hours – $17
Dinner for 3 at Mel’s Diner plus tip – $50
3 Tickets for Movie – $28.50
Snacks and drinks from concession stand – $13

Watching The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King – Priceless

(although as a side note, was it just me or was there alot of gay midget moments in the movie…)

So on Wednesday, I woke up at 4am in the morning to once again call AT&T about my order. After a mild 30-45min wait, Maria, the cust. serv. rep. answered my call. She straightened out all of my info and processed the order, and even gave me a personal work email to contact her with. So 30 min later she sent me an email that the order was processed but they were out of stock on the 3650 and so she sent me the 3300. So I got on the phone and called AT&T once again, and lucked out and got Maria on the phone. Talked to her for awhile, and just decided to cancel my order. Since the order had already been processed, I had to refuse the phone and cancel the account.

So on my way to work, I decided to stop in at the AT&T store to see if they had any of the 3650. Came out with the 3650 and a 1 year contract for $99. It’s on the national plan, so I can use my phone in Seattle without getting hit with roaming fees and I have nights/weekends. I also have a month of mMode to try out so I can do wireless web browsing and stuff. I have a camera phone to take pictures with and to download stuff onto. I still need to get a
Bluetooth adaptor, but I am just happy that I have cell phone service again. Now comes the long part of changing phones numbers on all of my accounts.

As for the cheap phone that I ordered from that auction site. That was a mistake, I get the phone yesterday, and it is in about the same condition has my old phone. I charge it up and take a look at the phonebook and there are still all of these New York numbers in it from “Nigga Down”, “Chingy”, and other ghetto names. So I go to the AT&T store to try and get my old number placed on this cell phone so that I can try to sell the plan to someone or something and I find out that the phone has been suspended and they won’t let me put my cell phone number on it. Can’t return it to the auction place, so that was a waste of $20.

Called AT&T once again this morning to see if I could have calls forwarded from my old phone to the new one. They couldn’t do that, but they did, downgrade me to their lowest plan since I’m not using that number anymore (At the store, they told me that I would have to sign up for another year. Yeah, right). So my bill will be $19 for the next 3 months and then I can cancel that old account.

So thank god this whole ordeal is over. I still can’t believe that I was on hold for so long, or that I actually waited for so long. I think after awhile, it just became a challenge. But even after all of this, I’m still sticking with AT&T because all the people I talked to were friendly and courteous, or at least faked well enough that I didn’t notice otherwise. Far different experience than the rude customer service that I experience when I was with Sprint.

And OMG, I love my phone. It’s not too small and fits comfortably in my hand. And there are so many features and things to do and to play with. I am just waiting for my last paycheck so I can get the
Bluetooth and start downloading stuff to the phone. The mMode web stuff is cool too, although I still not sure if I will sign up for it. The main thing that I would do is to send pictures to other people. All the stuff like scores, traffic, and horoscope I can get with text messaging. Even email notifications I can do with txt msg. And with the
Bluetooth, I can download stuff to my computer and then onto the phone. Eh, I’ll play with it a bit more.

O.K. Guess I should be heading off to work.

I really need to rub some Thera-Gesic over my body; I swear my body just aches like a motha…
Will not bore you with continued tales of AT&T customer service horror….
Saw Amy and her friend Melissa as I was going to a manager’s meeting. Hoping to see her again before I leave for Washington.
Also saw Daniel has I was leaving the manager’s meeting. Daniel was my first roommate when I first came to SFSU and we were living in the dorms. I had thought that he had moved back to L.A., but he is still here. Will need to hook up with him and Reina too, when I get a chance.
Back to work and Xmas hold music….

TAURUS
Consider practicality when selecting that perfect gift for the Taurus person on your list. Taurus persons love to receive things – especially those they can use. As an Earth sign, the Taurus personality tends to be methodical enjoying the step-by-step process. Many Taurus persons are artistic. Gifts that promote the artistic side of the Taurus would be well appreciated. Be sure though, that a complete set of directions are included with any kits. This gives confidence by providing the necessary steps to accomplishing the task. “How-To” and recipe books are excellent choices for a Taurus. Tools of any sort are often a popular choice. Taurus persons are patient and don’t mind doing things that take a little time. In fact, rushing is not something connected to this sign. Items such as models, puzzles and long novels (romance in particular) can bring hours of joy well into the New Year. Gift certificates are not always the best choice, as the Taurus tends to love having your gift ‘in hand’. The presentation of your gift can make a big impression. Take the time to make your package pretty.

I have had an uneasy feeling about my cell phone order all day long. I checked on it once and it still says that it is waiting for additional information. **checks again** Yep, still waiting for additional information. 😛 I am going to have to call them tomorrow morning, I just know it. I am going through alot of hoops just for a cell phone.

Not really satisfied with the way this weekend went. I mean, the party was great, but I don’t feel like I really did anything else. Granted I stayed in bed Friday night and Saturday to make sure that I was
well for the party. And I spent an hour on hold with AT&T. But today, I got some stuff done, but all of it was so half hearted. No passion, fire, or drive behind it. Well, hopefully I’ll get my ass in gear this week and get stuff done before vacation time, or better yet before my phone gets here and I get distracted by it.

Speaking of the phone, I just realized that I need to get a Bluetooth adapter so I can upload my address book and programs to the phone. Was looking at getting a Bluetooth wireless keyboard/mouse set, but I didn’t like the reviews that the Microsoft or Logitech sets got. And they are kinda expensive. So I think that I will look around on Craigslist to see if I can find one, or if nothing else order one from the bookstore.

Have the gym bag packed and ready to load into the car has I make one last attempt to get to the gym before the year is over. Curious thing
thought I was driving by the gym last week, either Thursday or Friday, and it looked like it was closed. That was odd cause it was 7-8om when I drove by and the gym is suppose to be open until 10pm. Maybe I should stop being cheap and sign up at 24hr. Fitness and maybe get a trainer to help me out. **sigh** Add it to the list along with getting classes for spring
semester, bringing the car to the shop, going to the dentist, and 5 million other things that I need to do.

O.K. candles are lit, and the sleepy time tea is at a comfortable but warm drinking temperature.

So I headed out and stop by Starbucks to pick up the white elephant gift for the party. Now I know that the White elephant is suppose to be an unwrapped gift that you already have, but the only things that I have that are
unwrapped and boxed are a 60GB hard drive and a bottle of champagne. Neither one of those gifts are going to just be given to someone. I have my remaining stuffed tigers, but I wouldn’t want to give one away until I had a chance to wash it. So off to Starbucks. Besides, a cup of peppermint hot chocolate sounded good to help keep my nostrils clear. So I picked up a small can of hot
cocoa and a little magnetic reindeer.

Traffic was so heavy getting to Angie’s house. Still, I made it on time. After wrapping up my gift and drooling over Angie’s 17″ Powerbook, we all headed over to the party. The party was at one of Angie cousin’s place over off of Ocean by City College. While parking was a bitch (something that I don’t miss while living in Pacifica), the actual apartment was very big. They had a nice roof area that was “off limits”, but would have been really nice if they could fix it up with a
Jacuzzi. Overall, I think that we had about 20 people at the party, and for the most part it was fun. For the white elephant, I originally got this melon bathroom set, but traded out for a nice frame. That was cool, because I really want to have more framed pictures in my room next year. For the gambling, we had a roulette wheel, a blackjack table, and a poker table (can’t remember what poker we were playing). I started out has the dealer for the roulette wheel, and I think by that time, I was just giving out tickets to people. I know that I had the most people at my table when I was the dealer. And then people just kinda rotated around. The only mar to the event was this one guy got a little to involved in the gambling. He
basically ended up winning the 1st prize raffle cause he had a shitload of tickets. Oh yeah, we played with raffle tickets and not chips; you bought 50 tickets for $10 and then you could buy more. Anyway, he was a bit loud and arrogant, and there was some cheating involved. I lost all of my chips midway through and settled to watch the movie that was playing on TV (The Matrix: Reloaded). Also played Tetris on Angie’s cell phone, beating her high score twice, but messing up and not saving the high score. The first time, I
accidentally slipped and hit the end button; the second time, I was entering my name and hit the wrong button and somehow lost the score. Man, I was so ready just to throw the phone away.

During this time, it was raining pretty hard outside. The rain was just
coming down in sheet at one point and the street just looked like a fast running river. So once the rain let up, we headed out. Oh man the streets were just a mess; the rain had come down so hard that most of the drain gutters were backed up and there was floods all over the place. We made it back and I headed out to Pacifica hoping that it wouldn’t downpour on the way home. There were so many cars on the side of the road. On Alemany Blvd, the manhole covers had popped up down the whole street an just fucked up cars that had hit the holes. I made in onto 280 and was reaching Ocean Avenue when I saw a couple of cars stopped. I didn’t realize why they were stopped until I was almost at the lake that had been created under the overpass. So I gunned it and just barely made it through the lake. After that, I really need to bring my car in for a checkup. Made it home in one piece considering the assholes speeding on the road.

Oh yeah, there were
Jell-O shots at the party. But I restrained myself and only had 5-10, I think. Overall I had a really good time.

Vegas party was cool, but the streets were a mess after the mini flash flood that we had. Alot of the manhole covers had popped out because of all the water that came out. The streets just looked like a war zone and the underpass at Ocean Avenue was a lake that I almost got stuck in.
**yawn** def. time for sleep and to let the Jell-O shot settle in me.