Daily Archives: November 1, 2001

Paper Done
Late For Class
Back Hurts
No Food At House
No Money In Bank Account
8-10page paper due on Mon haven;’t even started yet
Stomach is sick from eating candy all day long
Room is a mess
I smell
But I’m getting a new car tommorow.
yay me
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Then I could get an “A” just for spelling my name right.
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He’d gone through a phase some years ago when he’d been compelled by thoughts of suicide. Not that he’d actually wanted to do ot – it was more a sense of being in a position where, if he’d decided to pull the trigger, he could have. It was about control, or more precisely the lack of control that his current situation had forced on him.
Can kinda relate to it…
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You are more sensitive than you realize.
Is that what it is? That I’m too sensitive? But for that to be true, I would have to have feeling and emotions. I just feel listless and I’m tired or faking it for everybody.
So the natural thing to do is when my health coverage kicks in, to go in and have the doctoes and the shrinks dope me up with Welltrubin, Zoloft, and Prozac. I wonder if they still do electric shock theorpy, I seem to remember in one of the Oz books (there were a whole series, not just the Wizard of Oz) that the main character was given eletric shock theropy when she was here and no in Oz. Why don’t I save money and just lick my finger and stick in into a light socket.
At least I’m not feeling the slash marks on my wrist anymore. I didn’t cut myself, but a couple of days ago, it felt like I did. I think that I just slept on it wrong. If I can jury rig my camera to work on XP, then maybe I’m record myself sleeping. I know that I sleep funky sometimes, but wonder just how wierd.
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Slowly inhailing candy in order to get myself motivated and out of my depression. Think I’m making myself sick instead.
Well now that I have no money and no car left, time to get a letter from financial aide to remind me of all the money that I will have to pay back. Yay!
Just got a call from Saturn with list of stuff that I need to get:
Proof of income
Proof of Residence
Proof of Insurance
6 references.
Blah…Do I even know 6 people? Let’s see, I guess I can use Suzanne, Dan, Barry, Amber, Mew, and Shawn . Maybe not Mew, she works for Providian, but not sure how her credit info is. Maybe I’ll use Lesa and her mom.
Candy is def. making me sick. 😛
I should just go with my plans to be a homeless person in S.F. Go get my cardboard box home set up, make my sign and go panhandling. I really don’t know why I am even alive. I don’t feel like it. The whole “no ambition” theory again. But why am I here; what is keeping me on this mortal realm. It’s not my friends or my work, or school. Unfortunately, it is not even my family or Suzanne keeping me here. O.K. maybe they are helping to keep me alive, but only by a very thin thread.
While I am musing away at the secrets of life, I have a 5pg paper that is still not done yet. I need to clean up this work and get working on it. But I really have no motivation for it or for even breathing.
I wish that I was a druggie. Then I could escape this reality. But my mind’s so fucked up, I don’t really need to the drugs to zone off into my own world. Sounds like a good idea.
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