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Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

“Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is.

“Train yourself to let go of everything you are afraid to lose.”

Another year of searching for meaning and self discovery and another year of failing. Not seeing the answer that are right in front of me. Living …staying alive just to stay alive. Unable/unwilling to move forwards or backwards on any of the axis of my life. Reminiscing about a past I don’t remember, doomsaying a future that hasn’t happened yet,

I did ask for this in a memory that I may or may not remember correctly. I wanted time to stop; I wanted to stay in the one perfect moment on the timeline. And maybe I did get my wish, just not the way I envisioned it. Stuck in a moment while time and space fast forwards around me. At least Goku & Vegeta spent their time training and strengthening themselves. While I just sat on the couch and watched the drama/sit-com/documentary/anime/sports/variety show that is life as a secondary/background character.

Becoming more independent in your self-improvement journey is definitely achievable. Here are some strategies to help you cultivate self-reliance while still making meaningful progress:

It’s understandable to feel that way, but self-improvement and self-deception are quite different. Here’s how:

That’s a profound question! Figuring out “who you are” can be a journey of self-discovery. It often involves reflecting on your values, passions, strengths, and experiences. Here are a few questions to help you explore:

Great! Here are a few exercises to help you explore your identity:

A series of questions that I asked AI one night. I only copied the answers and not the questions themselves, but I think it’s easy enough to infer what I asked.

Loving yourself can be a transformative journey. Here are some practical steps to help you cultivate self-love:

• I am toxic
• I do not love myself
• I am dependent on others

How do I love myself without being dependent on others was the original question. Additionally, how do I do it without being toxic to myself and others. Isolating myself solves the toxic and the dependent aspects. That leaves the loving myself part of the equation to solve. Taking my life is not the answer, even if it is a viable solution to the problem (Love myself – myself = love). Taking love out leaves myself but what is myself? I need to define who I am and what is love. No, love has a definition I need to define myself, but how does someone go about doing this. **sigh** I think that is enough night philosophizing for me. Should try to get my remaining your or two of sleep.

I have switched protocols for the TMS treatment. Before, if was a rapid sets of “dots” from the magnetic wand and the treatment would last 3-5 minutes. There was times when it was slightly uncomfortable. There would be a mild pain behind my left eye if the wand was a bit off from the target. And making sure I didn’t bite my tongue off from the involuntary movement of my jaw.

But I didn’t notice any changes, so I was switch to a “dash” protocol. It’s a longer session at 18-20 minutes, which I don’t mind at all. More justified in driving 20 minutes from work to the hospital for 20 minutes of work than just 5 minutes. The treatment sounds like a woodpecker is hitting my head, but I don’t feel much at all.

Not sure what I’m supposed to do in the chair with the extra time. The doctors think I’m sleeping or meditating. Actually, I’ve been trying to think happy thoughts, hoping that it will help the magnetic pulses get the nerve cells stimulated and moving again. But it’s so hard; there are so few vivid memories that I trust were happy memories. It’s more of seeing shapes and outlines in the fog with me trying to piece together what I’m looking at.

I went online looking for experiences from other people. This link to an article best describes the process in going through. At the end, the person only got a little relief from it. And that seems to be the takeaway from a few other POV articles I read. Trying to not get my hopes down, but I was definitely hoping that there would be some significant change in my mood by now. One doctor did bring up Ketamine as an option if TMS doesn’t work. To be honest, I would rather try ECT and just get fully zapped. I would think that I would feel something even if I’m sedated.

If nothing else this should be a neutral day. No work and I have float therapy and StretchLab tonight, so the pain and stress in my body will at least go away for a few days.