Posted in iPhone
Usual Sunday afternoon in Larkspur doing laundry. Forgot journal at home and don’t want to doomscroll for 30 minutes so here I am.
The usual anger/disapoontment with myself getting stuff done, yet not enough done. Particularly attacking myself over my computer. Tried to upgrade the power supply and graphics card. It seems like I did everything right, but no display when I turned it back on. Will tinker with it when I get back but hoping/praying I can reinstall the old graphics card and get it back to what it was before I started this project. If I can do that, then I can return the graphics card and wait until I am ready to upgrade to an entirely new system. If I can’t get anything to work, do I take it in to see if Geek Squad can fix it? Or pay them to tell me that they can’t and have them sell me a new system. Reason I bought the graphics card was to get ahead of tariffs. Partly using this to avoid dealing with things, but just annoyed with myself over everything about me.
Annoyed with my eye and lack of progress with it getting better. I can see and do things, but the blurriness is annoying.
I’m just annoyed about everything about myself today. Is that better than being depressed, or sad? The thought that “it could be worse” is again annoying. Rather be indifferent or apothetic or numb. I guess I should be thankful, but…you know.
Posted in iPhone
So decided to goto the Giants game by myself tonight. Would have been the perfect opportunity to invite…anyone with me, but decided to go alone.
It was SF State night so I got my hooded long sleeve shirt (I could have sworn it said sweatshirt). I was going to save it as a gift but I was cold and always underdress for the ballpark. So we’ll see; I guess I could wash it/dry clean it and gift it.
Well I had my hotdog, had my Irish coffee, and got my pin for my jacket. I survived the game without a panic attack or running into anyone (I did see someone from my SFSU days but they didn’t see me). I did seat next to a couple from Vacaville (small world) and was able to small talk.
But the big question my therapist will/would ask if I enjoyed myself. And the truth is I think I was numb to the whole experience. I clapped when I needed to clap; I boo’d when I needed to boo; and cheered when I needed to cheer. I think there might have been a spark of true emotion when the guy proposed on the Jumbotron. But I probably would have felt the same inside next to the bar or watching at home. I am pretty numb right now. I am…grateful that all of the couples or groups of friends and families didn’t affect me. But is this a victory or a failure? Maybe it is was it is and nothing more.
At least it was a quick game since I have to host a meeting at work tomorrow.
Posted in iPhone
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