The Book Of Questions – Question #29

Have you ever hated anyone?  If so, why and for how long?

Oh boy, this is going to be a fun one.  I hate.  I am a player hater with a P.H.D. in my wallet.  On this ferry ride to work, I am hating on 20+ people and kids easily for various reasons at different levels right now.  And that’s with my eyes closed.  The crowds on my usual quiet Sunday ferry ride makes it almost too easy to do.  But honestly, the person I hate the most is myself, and the hate that I have to all of these other people is just me projecting my hate onto them.  Except for the person wearing too much cologne/perfume near me.  And the douchebros behind me being loud. And the badly dressed Link cosplayer.  And the couple just starting at their phones while talking to each other.  I better stop while I’m ahead….

Societal belief is that love is good and hate is bad, for the most part.  With the current political climate in the U.S., one could argue this belief is changing and it is becoming socially acceptable to hate in public.  And I’m not just talking about conservatives and alt-right groups; plenty of hate coming from liberals and the left also.  So hate is “bad” and “wrong”.  But there is power in hate, just as there is power in love.  Can the power off hate be harness into something useful.  Fire is destructive, but harnessed properly, you can get energy and warmth from it just to name a few things.  The power of love can be harnessed for people to do amazing things.  Can hate be harnessed in a similar way to provide energy for other purposes?  This is what I asked myself and tried to discover has a child. In the end I failed in this quest and the question has been left somewhat unanswered for me.  I think it can be done, but I am too damaged/undisciplined to utilize hate in that way.  The problem is in the control of hate and love; they are both difficult to control.  They can be manipulated, but outright control of ones love or hate is infinitely more difficult.  In trying to control the fire that is hate, I ultimately ended up burning myself.  Just as in trying to control love, I ended up drowning in it.

Well, that was a nice theoretical walk away from the question at hand.  I hate myself most of all and have for a very long time.  It’s easier to remember the times of hate than it is the times of love for myself.  That’s why I’m depressed, why I’m in therapy and on medication, and will be in therapy and on medication for the rest of my life.  I am still angry about this and the fact that I can’t love myself.  But I have, if reluctantly, accepted this fact and this is how it’s going to be for the rest of my life.

Now person besides myself that I hate, that would have to be Ivan Velasco, Jr. for what he put Stephanie through.  Granted I do not know all of the facts surrounding it and maybe I should give a benefit of doubt to young love.  And also in the end, things seemed to have worked out in that they have a wonderful son who seems to have the best traits from both parents.  But I just cannot forgive him for what he did and put them through.  Is it because he “stole” two women that I loved away from me?  I’m sure that there is some of that lurking in the background. But I just can’t fully forgive him.  One time in San Francisco, I though I saw him and chased him five blocks with the intent on kicking his ass (it wasn’t him).  For years, I would get heated just thinking about him.  At this point in my life, it’s just more of a smoldering anger than anything else.  Although I think it would still be 50/50 if I punched him in the face if I every saw him.  I’ll just need to bee careful driving through Oregon and Nebraska.