Monthly Archives: May 2008

computer died. life is over

It’s sad that I dislike my next door neighbor so much, that instead of walking by her to get to the bus stop or the muni train, that I would get in my car and drive to school and then catch the train from there.  Very sad indeed.

Went downtown to go to the Century theater @ Bloomingdale’s to see the new Indiana Jones movie.  I know that I said that I would never go to another Century theater after Iron Man, but it was easier to get to than 1000 Van Ness.  Anyway, begriming of the movie experience was ruined by talkative Asian family of 10.  And Harrison Ford has def. aged, but he is still in decent shaped and can still play Indy.  Shia was also pretty good, even if he played the same character he played in Transformers (although he looked good in the trailer for his new movie)

Once the movie was over, my depression came back.  I tried to hang out at the mall, but the energy just left me and all I wanted to do was to go home.  Where I spent the rest of the night crying, playing angsty songs loudly in my room to annoy Aaron, getting drunk and playing Mario Kart intoxicated (I think it might have helped my driving skills)

started thinking about cutting myself again, to feel some other pain or to release the pain that is within me.

I wish that I would have kept that bottle of Absinthe instead of giving it to Matt for a graduation present.  I could use the green fairy right about now.

I should be happy for my friends.  Another one of my friend has just announced that they are engaged.  I have three friends engaged to be married and I cannot be happy for them.  All I can think of is the fact that I’m going to be crazy lonely Uncle Joe for the rest of my life.  I’m not even like sleazy bachelor Uncle Joe that has a different teen age bimbo hanging on his shoulder ever week.  Or gambler Uncle Joe who spends all of his money gambling at the poker table or at the horse track.  Or cool Uncle Joe that travels all over the world and bring backs  great presents.

Why don’t I have 100 cats in my room with me?  Aren’t lonely people suppose to have shitloads of cats.

So today is graduation at SF State, which means for me the end to another grueling semester.  Barring any major incidents today, I will finally be able to catch up on stuff and relax for a little while before Fall semester starts.  I am such a wounded creature both inside and outside.  At this point, all I really want to do is to get my room cleaned, my clothes laundried and folded, and to get the energy to pay my parking tickets before they go up again.

I wish that I had my livejournal entries available, if nothing else so that I could see what I was like a few years ago.  I’m sure nothing too much would have changed.  Just the amount of pounds that I have gained. 

**sigh**  Time to get up and put on my mask on and smile to the world

In so many ways

Not that this isn’t new to my coworkers, friends, and family.

Or to myself for that matter

So today, Aaron thanked me for moving my TV out into the living room.  I was kind of surprised, it must be the heat, which actually made the living room a pleasant place to be in and not the ice box that it usually is.

Still all of the junk food that I have been eating and soda that I have been drinking finally caught up to me today as I had to leave work early today (I think it was dehydration/heat exhaustion among other things).  Not that it was super hot today, but the store has an awful air circulation system, and I def. wasn’t drinking enough water.  Have to make sure that I drink plenty tomorrow since it is going to be hotter.

The bigger question is when am I going to start going to the gym again.  It’s sad that I’m using the lack of a water bottle as the reason that I’m not going.  I should just buy another one at work or at the Walgreens or Rite Aid that is next to the gym.

Actually the biggest question is what is it going to take for me to pull myself together.

I had a dream last night with Sephora and someone else. I wish that I would have written an entry about it this morning. Now I realize what the dream was (partly) about: betrayal. I know realize that this has been the theme for me this whole year. FYI since I work at a college bookstore, I still measure the year starting in late August and ending at the end of May. This whole year has been nothing but coworkers that I thought that I could trust betraying me in some way. And has insane as I am or could be, I think that I am sane enough to realize that I might have betrayed others and myself. I have def. betrayed myself. But we are not talking about my betrayals, we are talking about me being betrayed. Well no more. The problem is that I’ve tried to be a benevolent dictator manager. Maybe not a dictator. But I have tried putting the welfare of my employees first, thinking that if I show loyalty to them, they would show it to me. And what I have to show for it is being stabbed in the back, front, and sides. I need to figure out a new way of doing things and getting things done.

I thought that cleaning my room from top to bottom would get rid of all traces of you, Officer Fox

I thought that letting myself go and giving in to my darkness would get rid of my thoughts of you Teresa.

But just finding a single strand of your hair brings the memories back, your touch, your smell, your taste.

And I wonder where I went wrong and if there is a way to get back.