Taurus: ‘Bout It, ‘Bout It

from Astrology Uncut: A Street Smart Guide to the Stars
The Rundown

feminine, fixed, earth

Motto I Have

Sound Bite “Greed is good” (Gordon Gekko in Wall Street )

Ruling planet Venus

Color pale blue

Rock emerald

Physical neck and throat

Icon Wall Street bull

Genius Malcolm X

Beverage Courvoisier

Guilty pleasure Coppin’ twenty-four-inch rims

Accessory money counter

Ride BMW X3

Find them at the dealership

Visual Scarface

Moment Master P wrapping his helicopter in Gucci logos.

Street occupation/grind drug lord

Mix tape Too $hort, “Gettin’ It”; Master P, “Is There a Heaven 4 a Gangsta?” “‘Bout it, ‘Bout It”; Busta Rhymes, “put Yur Hands Where My Eyes Could See”; Ghostface Killah, “Cherchez LaGhost”; Janet Jackson, “Control,” “Pleasure Principle”; Stevie Wonder, “Do I Do”; Junior M.A.F.I.A., “Get Money”; EPMD, “Strictly Business”; Ralph Tresvant, “Sensitivity”

Best-case scenario Stevie Wonder

Worst-case scenario Adolf Hitler

Spot St. Louis; ancient Egypt

Vice greed

Natural Talent makin’ money

Compatibilities Libra, Scorpio, Capricorn

Ghetto Index

Gangstability – 9 (Can’t Fuck Wit’)

Booty Quotient – 7 (Onion)

Bling Quotient – 8 (Liberace)

Drama Quotient – 2 (Off-Broadway)

Don Status – 7 (King)

Trick Status – 5 (Takin’ ‘Em Shopping)

Game Quotient – 6 (Chess)

Shiest Quotient – 4 (Sleeping With The Enemy)

Freak Quotient – 9 (Lil’ Kim)

Money, power sex.  That’s what’s up for the majority of Taureans.  To borrow a phrase from someone, Taurus folk are sexually attracted to money.  It’s why Taurean pimpdaddy and world-renowned freak Too $hort spells his name with the dollar sign.  The Taurean gets off from getting it.  it’s the joy of acquisition, really, and a deep-seated appreciation for the sensual things in life.  Money, cars, clothes, houses, furniture, good food, fine wine, and wet sex.  There’s never enough.  A Taurus prostitute, rationalizing her occupation, said exactly what motivated her in plain language:  “Look, all this I’m doin’ right now, all this hustlin’, it’s all about havin’ thangs/”  Houses, loved ones, and possessions are more than important to Tauruses; they;re crucial.  The fear of losing it once it’s had runs hella deep.

They live by the pleasure principle, Bling is regular business.  Sensual types, they appreciate the finer things in life and will indulge themselves once work is done.  Blame it on Venus, their ruling planet.  In the same way Mars makes Aries warlike and hype, Venus makes Taurus comfort-loving and hungry.  The love planet also blesses Taureans with grace.  There is an artistic quality to the way they go about everything they do.  Taurus legend Duke Ellington, one of the great American composers, was as monumental a figure for his immaculate style and panache as he was for his legendary compositions and band.  On the more garish side of things, Liberace, the original bling king, made lavish luxury his trademark.  Cat had sapphires bigger than ice cubes.  Taureans are obsessed with acquiring the best available.  This lust for the finer things in life is ultimately what gives them their infamous determination.

Although not incredibly ambitious initially, when Taureans are motivated they are excellent workers.  Their energy is slow-moving but steady and consistent.  Dependable and hardworking, like fellow earth signs Capricorn and Virgo, they make it happen.  ‘Bout it. Sturdy, hard-workin’ folks.  Steady, slow-burning.  But if the work ethic is not instilled in them early, Taureans can also be the laziest maufuckers in the world.

When they’re roused to anger, it gets real ugly.  Their normally sweet disposition turns real nasty.  When Taurus actor Ving Rhames, in his role as a raped drug dealer in Pulp Fiction announces he’s going to “get medieval on your ass” to his rapists, it’s the Taurus in him talking.  A Taurean defeat is a rare thing.

Tauruses are blessed with enormous strength both physically and psychologically.  They take on the traits of the bull.  Many have the gorgeous limpid eyes and long lashes of a bovine, and an overall thickness that comes from their lavish eating habits.  World Wrestling Entertainment star The Rock, whose muscular arms are tatted with the insignia of the bull, exemplifies the highly evolved Taurus physical standard.  Janet Jackson, who has has a thirty-year war with her Taurus thickness, makes some of her ghetto fans wish she would just stop playing and keep the onion she had in the “Pleasure Principle” video.  Get off that white-girl shit.  But we digress.  Tauruses, also like their bovine symbol, have a lazy, slow-moving way about them, and their vision can be tunnel.  For the most part, they deal with the here and now.  They go for what they know.  All the high-faultin’ theoretical talk goes in one ear and out the other.  not interested.  The earth sign in them says it’s all about what’s going to put that bird in my hand.  Fuck the two in the bush.

Like the opposite sign, Scorpio, Taurus has a natural inclination for sex, money, and power.  Taureans have strength of purpose, patience, and real-deal conviction.  They can also be blind, obstinate, and caught up in materialism.  But when that’s balanced with a sense of a greater mission, they make excellent leaders and foundation builders.  They have the arrogance, determination, and steadfastness to start far-reaching movements.  James Brown, the undisputed Godfather of Soul, laid the foundation for most popular music today.  Master P started building a five-hundred-million-dollar fortune from the trunk of his car.  At the height of his fame, he could have easily run for political office and won.  He called his fans soldiers, and they followed his lead.  Many fans tatted his No Limit tank logo on their bodies.  (Hmmm.  Wonder how they feel about them tattoos now?)  Jay-Z’s business partner, Damon Dash, turned Roc-A-Fella and Rocawear into household names.  Taurus Malcolm X, one of the handful of universally acknowledged black American leaders, transformed millions of minds through the sheer force of his will and charisma.  Tauruses are more charismatic than a maufucka.  They got a magnetic way about them.  But don’t think their ability to move the crowd hasn’t proved to be disastrous as well: in the seventies, Taurus Jim Jones convinced almost a thousand of his followers to commit mass suicide in Guyana.  Taurus madman Adolf Hitler led Germany and then all of Europe into World War II, resulting in millions of deaths.

Taureans have large appetites, sexually speaking.  The men are what Jamaicans call stamina daddies (fe de gal pickiney, as they’d say in Jamaican patois).  They can go on and on.  The women can deep-throat with the best of them.  Their necks are generally incredibly sensitive, serving as erogenous zones.  Wanna get a Taurus open?  Do some ol’ 9 1/2 Weeks-type shit: Blindfold them and feed them all manner of food.  Cherries, whipped cream, honey.  Rub it awll ohvah their body.  Get at the the powder, the feathers, some rubber, some leather.  Anything that exploits the senses.  That’s if they don’t do it to you first – but Taurus will be willing.  Taken to the extreme, Taurus might have a thing for must, dirt, even coprophilia. (If you never heard of coprophilia, we refer you to the intro skit to “Nasty Boy” on Biggie’s Life After Death and won’t say much more.)  Bring it like that and the freak in Taurus don’t stop, won’t stop.  Just ask renowned freak Too $hort.  He’ll tell you.

Ironically, it’s only in these sorts of pleasures that Taureans let go of their deeply conservative nature.  These are some stick-to -the-script, no deviation, no improvisation, my-mother-did-it-this-way-and -that-is-the-way-it’s-going-to-stay type folk.  This not only ensures their comfort, it is their way of maintaining a certain amount of control.  Once a bull stops, there is no moving it.  The life lesson for Taureans is learning to let go.  They can be so afraid of change that they become stuck and boring – in need of an enema.  Typical of earth signs, they find security in their possessions, and once comfortable, they rarely want to risk losing anything.  To call them risk-averse is understating it.

Want to fuck with a Taurus?  Try to force them to change.  Or intervene with their money machine.  All that Venus shit goes out the window.  There are some trust issues here, for real.  But if a Taurus is kept relatively loose, he ore she is a natural-born winner with the drive, talent, and power to make it happen.  Money ain’t a thing.